AIBU to think the new school WhatsApp mum is overstepping?

[Susan716]

Really weird incident happened my my daughters new school so I wanted some insight and reassurance it’s not a sign of things to come:

We have a WhatsApp group set up from an event in May where all parents are already in and not much activity apart from “did everyone get their forms in” type questions and “does anyone know what clubs the school does” it’s all very casual and parents with older children already at the school have been helpful.

yesterday we found out the form classes our children are in and we met our form teacher in person. Someone in main chat suggested this is a good time to create sub groups for forms and people started posting for example if you are in 7Xyz then join the group. All very friendly and nice till this mum let’s call her Q started ranting and saying “please everyone be patient, when I get home I will sort out” others just questioned that we’re here in person now so easier to set up but her response got very annoyed and said I said be patient. No one else responded on there so I assumed everyone okay with it. I wasn’t bothered right then and thought let her crack on if she wants to take the lead.

after a few hours she created a new community and then sub communities so the new main one for whole of year 7 and then 6 for the forms. She then asked a rep for each form and gave them admin rights, herself too being an admin in EACH form class! She then made it so the community couldn’t post in the main one but had to go though the class admin each time, so I couldn’t just post in the main one I would have to go through my rep who would then post on my behalf!

she then wanted us all to prove we were who we were saying by taking a picture of the name sticker we were given at the event yesterday which has our name, child’s name and form class. I’ll be honest I binned mine and didn’t keep. I was feeling very uncomfortable with all this especially as she kept shouting people down who questioned what she was saying.

I already know 2 mums there as our kids in same primary school so I messaged them and asked what they felt about it all - they just responded vaguely snd not much bother so I thought okay most people don’t care.

Another mum spoke up who I don’t know and questioned why she’s an admin of every sub tutor group when her child is only in one to which lots of people responded saying yes why plus why we can’t post in the main group for all year 7’s. She didn’t do in the way I’m explaining it was more being really nice to her type questioning like she’s scared of her. Q still got upset and said she said she was just trying to help. But I feel it was all rather crazy and wasting everyone’s time. She’s not in my form group thank God. Is this a sign of things to come? DD is my eldest and we’ve had WhatsApp groups in primary but not to this level of craziness! I should avoid Q at all costs and pray our kids don’t become friends yes?

it all feels really bizarre to me like why do all that when it was actually quite simple to do and she made it a million times more complex. Plus why did everyone just go along with it for so long and start posting pictures of their name tags? It’s like one person who I didn’t meet or know suddenly became our leader and everyone went with it. Only when sub group reps realised how much work it will be for them to get each member plus be the go between did one speak up and then it was just really nicey nicey. I really wanted to post how crazy it was but DH stopped me and said don’t do it.

I have never joined or needed to join a WhatsApp group at secondary school level. I’d decline if asked. There is absolutely no need for it whatsoever. I didn’t do it at primary level either. Absolutely ridiculous intrusion and she sounds like an absolute control freak. Just leave the groups and let her get on with. She’ll be chatting to herself in no time 🙄

Nope, any questions like that either the kids would answer/ask their friends or would be on parentmail (or whatever app the school uses) or last ditch we'd just call or email the school reception...

I couldn't be doing with it and wouldn't participate especially with Queenie Bee!

We had a dad like this. Joined the school in Y7, we already had a WhatsApp group from all through Junior school (it’s a 3-18 school) and just added new parents to that. It had worked perfectly well for years, but this dad (within 3 weeks) insisted on changing it to a Community Group. There were sub groups for homework, lost uniform, after school clubs, form groups, sport….the list went on and on and on. When I objected he went on a massive rant about how I would do my DC a disservice being so resistant to change, I needed a ‘growth mindset’ apparently, I recall he posted some links of books I should read. I left the group.

A year later his DC got expelled - which was unfortunate for the Community Group as he was the only admin.

Crying

My oldest is at secondary school and i dont even any of his friends parents names let alone have them on whats up. Its one of the bonuses of having older kids. My younger ones are in primary and we have no whats up groups either thankfully

No no no, I’m exhausted just reading that! In my experience (3 at secondary) there is absolutely no need for any of this nonsense.

The absolute best thing about your children moving to secondary is the ability to leave the endless communication, parent mails, facebook, WhatsApp groups and that one mum who always asks the most ridiculous questions, behind. Anything really important comes from school and our school expects the children to pass on the rest of the information.
Enjoy the peace!

Sounds like she is in for a rude awakening!

Senior school is a very different game to primary! Those groups will be a ghost town within a fortnight of them starting, not least because parental involvement is far more at arms length. I suspect she wont like that and will become "that" parent to the school, there is at least one in every year!

Let her get on with it and leave the group, you wont need it and wont gain anything from it.

Archive it or leave the group. If you have any questions about school, check the school's app or message another parent that you know in real life and communicate with about other stuff because maybe you're already friends or your kids are mates.

I hate the communities feature. It's overly complicated and its made some groups genuinely less useful or engaged eg scouts or sports clubs.

To play devil's advocate here though, I kind of get where this controlling mum's come from if the thing she was setting up was better and easier to use. Sounds like it's not but that's maybe where her head's at.

I've been frustrated in the past when in a group with mums at a sports club where we were working on a charity event. I work full time so I'd said I'd do a few specific tasks in the evening when I was available. Things I find easy and quick to do, that I have the skills and expertise to pull together, and which are useful, usable and look good. Before I had a chance to do them a couple of other mums ran away with their ideas and we had a shitter uglier AI version all set up and shared before I'd finished my day's work.

But ultimately - this WhatsApp situation sounds crap and you're best off well out of it!

No need for WhatsApp groups in secondary school.
Must schools have an app now, with all the information you need.
I would remove myself from the groups.

Starting secondary in September and our school has all class + separate form parents whatsapp chats. I've heard from a friend though that these die off quickly with occasional lost property messages.

No way to this. If she is like this on day one before a term has even started it will only get worse. You will gain nothing from the group only annoyance at her. You can get your info another way.

Just do a 'Susan716 has left the chat' .... And enjoy nonsense free Summer.

Surely if parents know each other and form a community, then that’s how they can work together to change things they don’t like at the school? Very hard for one or two people to make a difference, but larger numbers who talk with each other can have far more influence.

Ditch the groups - I don’t know anyone who uses them for secondary! I barely used them for primary - we had a grp for the parents we knew and liked and that was it! Never joined any largers ones. Seemed like they were frequently kicking off

Yep, it's time to let go of the reins a little. A huge part of the transition to secondary is letting the kids find out answers for themselves and the natural consequences if they don't. If the adults are sorting everything for them via a WhatsApp group, how are the kids ever going to learn to do things for themselves.

I actually think her system is a Good idea. Why would you want to be in a chat with the whole of year 7?

Listen hun, you sound like this is your first kid going to secondary so you're new to the game. This is not the nice cutesy world of primary school, you will probably never meet or speak to any of the parents of your kids' new friends, the wattsap group will soon become redundant. People become very hands off as the kids are (rightly) expected to take on more responsibility for themselves. Don't run yourself ragged about whether to cut this woman off or not as you will have very little to do with her anyway. If she tries to make it any other way, you can easily avoid the woman, it's not the stand in the queue outside the gates and grown up playground etiquette you get at primary, relax.

Did you say groups for Year 7?
I've only heard of groups for primary. No high school parent I have ever met does this-the school prattle ended years ago. I hope it doesn't start round here.
As you've asked for opinions, I just wouldn't join any groups. The school will message you about anything you need to do, but once the kids are out of infant school, I found there's no point being in any group.

Yes, me too!

Im old enough that a lot of our families didn’t even have a landline phones, never mind mobiles and WhatsApp groups!
Id be buggered that if I’ve got a secondary school aged child, I’d be letting some pushy tantrumming mother tell me how it’s going to be!

Either set up your own group or join someone else’s. Or - for a quiet life, just let the kids sort it out.

Don’t know what it is about WhatsApp…certain people have to “control” them, and start bossing other people around. I just mute mine and look at them when I’m bored…makes life a lot easier😁

You don’t need parent WhatsApp groups at secondary school

School mummy mafia WhatsApp groups are best avoided.

parents whatsapp groups aren’t really a thing at secondary age are they? My two boys are year 7 and year 10 and we abandoned class WhatsApp groups as they left year 6…..there is a Facebook group which is useful as the school cloud messaging system isn’t super reliable, but mostly the children are just expected to be on top of everything themselves!

There's always a Marge In Charge who likes to be group leader.
I'd ignore and not even join.

Just mute the chats, check semi regularly if you notice there’s a lot of activity in them or if there’s something going on you might need details on. The groups will probably die a death as others will feel the same as you

This all sounds odd and over the top. Why do you need a Whatsapp group at all for secondary school?

I wouldn't bother with the group at all. I'm not even a member of WhatsApp at my DS primary school and certainly wouldn't bother at secondary (so glad these weren't a thing when my DDs were at school).
At secondary school what are you going to be asking/talking about? If you need to speak to someone just speak to a mum you know from primary. This woman sounds nuts and is obviously used to being Queen Bee and running things. You don't have to go along with it just because others are. Just leave the group.