Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

Yeah god forbid the DD has to take 2 mins out of her day to open the gate (which she was warned about in advance).

It's odd you forgot you said it considering how she responded to you, telling you she thought it was a weird thing to say. I don't think I'd forget a comment I made to someone if they reacted that way to it.

No my dd was fine when she was younger id say it started when she was around about 15 . My dd is 18 almost 19 im so hoping she grows out of this as its exhausting tip-toeing around her to avoid upsetting her all the time. she can also be quite selfish. I see friends with similar age dc's and they are not like this at all and are much more easy going i really wish dd was like that.

All I can do is hope she grows out of it as she becomes more emotionally mature.
I have a younger ds who is only just entering their teens and is currently fine. hoping they don't become like this too.

I've read all your replies @Difficultadultkids and your DD sounds a lot like my DD.
My DD is 24 and mellowed a lot over the last year.
She has more self awareness and is definitely less reactive and controlling.

When she came home from university she gave me and my DH (her df) a load of requirements because she found it so stressful living back home.
She can't afford to move out yet so we wanted to make it a safe space for her.

We have honoured her requests most of the time even though it has felt difficult at times (not talking to her in the kitchen first thing in the morning, not knocking on her door, not forcing her to say goodbye when she leaves the house are the main ones) and she is much less stressed and therefore more relaxed and friendly.

I forgot to mention she is autistic and this is why we go along with her requests, because we understand the reason behind each one.

It's still no excuse for rudeness and spitefulness, but the more relaxed DD has been able to become, the better she is able to regulate and de-stress herself anyway.

It sounds like she's being dramatic. Is the bf trying to distance her from family and this is the excuse she needs to validate his behaviour? I'd apologise, but tell her that it's not uncommon to think couples look alike, and leave it at that.

@ofcolitas

It would be extremely difficult to use a key when there is no lock to put one in. The gates have inside bolts only. So your theory is pointless.

OP it sounds like you have all had a very terrible time of it, especially you and your daughter.

I would really recommend some family counselling because you do sound like it will help. I have had family counselling and it did help.

The passive aggressive comments are so unhelpful.

You sound like you have reached your limit but are tnow trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Bullying that came into the home, abusive relationships, business breakdowm, family breakdown, these kind of wounds don't easily heal.

I genuinely wish you luck.

You repeated something she wasn’t happy with, then are shocked at her reaction.
Don’t pester her, apologise and hope that she reaches out.

Op re "She was very badly bullied at school for two years from 11 to 13.. It involved a very large group and continued into our home. Then my husband and I lost our business. He was bankrupt and we separated three years ago. This has all been absolutely awful for all of us (son 23) but I think with the bullying we have just taken feeling bad for her too far."

Has she had an counselling fir the effects of bullying?

@NotAnotherScarf

Please can you copy and paste the line in my post which says I DEMAND PHOTOS.

I do wonder all the time why people seem incapable of reading posts correctly. Have another try at reading it because it quite clearly states that NEVER EVER have I asked for pics, NEVER! Is that clear enough now?

Plus the fact that it’s only lockable from inside 😂😂

No counselling as she says it’s useless and refused to try it.

Thank you @Italiangreyhound
She flatly refuses counselling and says it’s rubbish.

This. 🙄

My DS, 23, is the exact opposite. Has always been mature and hates drama and is rational. Cue all the posters who are about to claim he’s my favourite. Don’t waste your time - he isn’t!.

She is utterly selfish and won’t put herself out for anyone. She is so unreasonable. Last week she had a go at me because I’d forgotten to remind her to pick something up on her way to work - something for herself. She absolutely could not see that it was her responsibility to remember. She saw it as mine to remind her.

It is a shame she will not try counselling. Maybe in the future.

Omg! I have explained this 500 times. It’s not a hard concept to grasp.

Right! She responded to my comment by text with three words. “That’s really weird.” There was no conversation about it EVER!!!!!

Can you truthfully tell me you recall three words from every text you send?

I have a son and daughter, similar ages and similar dynamic. It can be exhausting. I too have started to put boundaries down about behaviour. I can’t tread on eggshells around her any more, however tough a time she is having.

Such a lovely turn of phrase you have. I bet you make friends everywhere you go 🤔

The problem with posting on here is that the vast majority have very young kids and have yet to learn the hell of adult kids. Give me six toddlers over my 20 yr old daughter any day.

i have a large circle of friends thank you. Most of whom can grasp the written word.

I am honestly finding this age more challenging than the teen years, which were a dream in comparison! With my daughter, her behaviour reflects her inner struggles but I can’t be a doormat for her to walk all over.

@Treezun

i agree! Up until 18 my DD was no trouble. I know she’s had a hard time but so have we. All the things that have happened were out of my control but she seems constantly angry.

Can you give examples of the kind of thing you mean?

I think part of the problem is the fact that a few decades ago 20 year olds were considered to be fully fledged adults, the whole 'they're only young' attitude now means that unacceptable, irrational behaviour is seen as a tantrum in a 12 year old starting puberty would have been viewed then.

Stick to your guns @Difficultadultkids , a few boundaries now are doing her a big favour.

😂Well said, OP.