Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

I don’t.

@Treezun

You do have to wonder what these crazy posters would be capable of in real life. It’s actually quite frightening when you think what they might actually physically do to someone they knew who they disagreed with.

OP, she really sounds appalling and a bit abusive.

I think being very firm with her cannot come soon enough.

I would stop any money, cooking and laundry to reinforce the point.
I also would tell her that if her bedroom and ensuite are not kept clean you will lock the door and she can use the main bathroom.

Allowing your children to abuse you is absolutely thankless.

Perhaps she should move in with her father or boyfriend for a change of scene.
Tell him its his turn to parent.

I love my children dearly but not to the extent that they can be rude entitled brats.

Being a mother does not mean that we have to be our childrens emotional punching bag.

@Wagyue

The issue is that after the horrific bullying she endured followed by some really difficult personal years as a family, I have way overcompensated. I think I was going through such a lot, it was easier to let her get away with it.

This latest drama over the comment I made (yes twice) has really been a wake-up call. I absolutely did not text it to upset her and she totally knows that, but every few days she has to find something to moan at me about….truly it’s relentless. Even if I have gone out of my way (I often do) to help her or do her a favour, she will pick fault with that favour.

Today I messaged her from work asking her to unload the dishwasher when she got home from work. If I ever ask her to do anything she will purposely make sure I get home first as she’s banking on me doing it - I mostly do. As I expected she replied saying she’d be late home. I then made sure I was later. She had not done it and told me she was going out but would do it later. Now normally I’d just do it myself but tonight I didn’t. She came home and did it. I always ask about her day but tonight I went to bed and didn’t ask anything.

Thank god I have woken up in time.

Well done.
You have been compensating and we can all do a bit of that.
However, you are not her emotional punch bag.
She has been treating you like one.
Now that you realise it, you can change track.
Parenting isn't always a straightforward path, adapting is very much a part of it.

I am a firm believer in the expression "when you know better, you can do better".
But you have to know first.

Be kind to yourself.
It sounds as if you have had a really tough time.

What a mean thing to say. People can still be close but also get upset with each other

What are you yabbering on about?

I gave a perfectly pleasant response and you called me stupid 😂

And now how have you managed to twist that in any type of physical violence?

Such an odd person, such an odd thread.

That’s the spirit, @Difficultadultkids

Keep going. Xx

Why would you think that? You asked for opinions, some disagreed with you and now you are calling them stupid and implying they would be violent in real life! Your replies have been fairly aggressive, ironically.

If the comments haven’t affected you then why are you name calling?

I think MN should delete this for ‘unkindness.’
This POV is ‘unusual’ to say the least. 😆
Well done OP for sticking up for yourself.

I’m not saying what I actually think because I usually find I get deleted for being ‘unkind’ if I do. 🤣

Thanks @SixtySomething

The irony of that post 😂😂 when she has complained about me being passive aggressive 😂😂😂

If it makes you feel any better @Difficultadultkids, I suggested to my DD that she take some probiotics as she’s been on antibiotics. She got upset because I was “criticising her gut health”. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Could you explain how it is pleasant to tell somebody that you hope their daughter cuts them off before they have grandchildren?
And is this how you behave in real life?

You know that banning her boyfriend who you say you like, because she won't send her photos of the two of them out together is bonkers right?

I think every time she over reacts you need to address this with her. Don't just take it. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells but equally I would try not to make comments that are likely to be upsetting. Saying she looks like her boyfriend twice is a bit weird and I can see why she might be annoyed by it. As others have said she may be feeling like she is taking no more shit, and you are bearing the brunt of this.

As for her other behaviours, you are the parent and have allowed this. If she is earning and won't pay board, stop buying stuff for her and doing stuff for her until she agrees to contribute. Re doing tasks around the house, make clear what is expected and don't do stuff for her unless she contributes. Get a gate that you can open! Maybe try to agree what jobs are her responsibility.

I have been getting my now 19 yo DS to pick up after himself, put clothes in the wash basket and put his own clothes away for a few years now. He hates doing the dishwasher so I don't usually ask him to do that. If I ask him to do it though or to run the hoover round he will. Not always immediately but saying before a certain time or today usually works. He is living away at uni now and is more likely to do stuff without being asked when home for the holidays which is nice.

You are two adults house sharing and you need to find a way to do that without all the drama.

Strange responses in this thread.

This is an adult who is living in your home for free? She’s accepting a free home - with a pool no less! - but won’t let you see photos of her.

She has more than once locked you out of your home but doesn’t apologise, merely has a go at your for trying to get your attention. She has also blocked you in.

Now she wants said bf to stay over in your home?

It sounds like she needs a massive reality check to me!

You are coming across worse in every post.

It's not a weird thing to say. My son and his wife look alike. I have mentioned it and there's been no big drama.
My friend looked like her mil. Same friend's husband looked like her dad, his fil. More than one person has noticed this and he guess what.. nobody got upset.

Why am I not even surprised by this?

What makes my situation worse is that there was no discussion or conversation. It all happened over text. I simply said “you look so alike” She replied “that’s weird.” Then weeks later, having totally forgotten about it I said it again over text.

I literally reread on eggshells 24/7 and rehearse conversation before I speak. Well I did, but I’ve had enough and changes sre in place

Obviously it wasn’t meant in a weird way. I just don’t get it.

We were having a clear out and I asked her if she still wore a particular dress. Oops! That turned into me accusing her of overeating and I was suggesting it no longer fit. I was simply asking does she still like it as I never see her wear it anymore 😂😂

She is having a reality check I can assure you.

I absolutely love her to bits obviously, but I have let things get way out of hand and it’s not fair on her, me or my son. Sometimes life gets in the way and when you’re going through bad times you turn a blind eye because it’s easier.

I’m not coming down hard but I am gradually making small changes (will update later) and already she has taken them on board.