Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP did you apologise to your DD? ETA Apologies I saw you’ve already answered this!

Oh dear! Do you normally find reading difficult? Awww bless!

Are you also an adult child easily offended. Diddums 😢😢😢

Her setting boundaries with me 😂😂 LMAO! You mean like her refusing to pay board? You seriously know FA. How old is your kid, 3?

OP, well done for telling her to now socialise at his.
Stop tiptoeing around her.
It is a hiding to nothing.
She wants to be a rude madam, tell her to take it elsewhere.
Tell her it is clear that you both need an extended break from each other, so she can socialise at his home going forward as you want a complete break.
Stick to it.
It never ends well allowing your children to treat you poorly.
Far better to say that its clear ye are clashing and time they looked at find a space that makes them happier.
You were very wrong to allow yourself to be lectured after they blocked you in?
Madness.

Thank you! Some of the responses have really pissed me off but I can only assume they are at the weaning stage of motherhood.

She is utterly selfish and often difficult. I am hoping she one day turns a corner.

No! Her brother walks on eggshells too. Like we have to check with her before we shower in case she needs one. Well it’s all stopping from now

This has been my highlight of the night comment. I hear her colleague ran from the wedding reception and got it annulled when it was suggested she looked like the groom.😂😂

I have clarified the title was asking “is it my fault?” As in my fault I forgot I’d said it! Could not fit that title in obviously.

Laughing at some of the Judgy comments tbh

Is that why you posted - for a laugh? 🤔
A lot of your replies are defensive and/or combative. It seems you want agreement and to torpedo those who disagree. You sound pretty worked up about your dd.

I agree. I wouldn’t have thought this was a weird thing to say and wouldn’t bat an eyelid if someone said this about me an my partner.
Obviously a lot of people disagree, so I’d just apologise and say you didn’t realise for a moment it would upset her and won’t say anything like it again.

Well this will hugely inconvenience her but so what. I actually feel as though this is her house and I’m lodging here. It stops now

I’m late to this but is this the gist…

Your 20 year old daughter lives in your house.
She has the benefit of (I assume) a lovely room, home-cooked meals, a swimming pool and a car.
She is a bit of a madam, but for some reason everyone is handling her with kid gloves and walking on eggshells.
She is presumably aware that her mother’s life has been difficult recently.
And now she is throwing a MAJOR strop for a minor foot in mouth remark…

How did it come to this? Why and for how are you putting up with this? What is stopping you from telling her to stop this nonsense and behave like a considerate member of the family? And if she doesn’t want to do this, tell her to find alternative accommodation.

Oh, and get an automatic gate opening thingy, or a keyless entry lock…

Your dd sounds just like my similar age dd op. This is something my dd would do. ive also spent the last couple of years or so completely on egg shells around her and having to watch everything i say so I don't upset her as she's so bloody touchy. texting her takes careful consideration to as I have to be careful she doesn't misinterpreted what I have written and completely take it the wrong way. it can be so bloody exhausting.
im really hoping she grows out of it.

I don't know why people are giving you such a hard time. Your daughter is a bully. Tell her to straighten her attitude or find a place of her own.

Good for you for growing a backbone OP. My mums friend has an adult daughter who is close to my age and who has been almost exactly like this her whole adult life and is now late 30s. I’d like to say it gets better but it hasn’t really. She’s had long term relationships that have inevitably ended due to her emotionally abusive ways. She blames her mum for any setbacks in her life and says truly vile things to her. Walking on eggshells is the correct term - anything can set her off. But they always somehow make up and the daughter still lives with her mum sporadically (until she finds a new boyfriend). I’d have told her to sling her hook a long time ago. She has another child who is similarly spoilt and disrespectful towards her (but a bit more independent) so something must have gone wrong with their upbringing.

Yeah, it was 🥴

I must be weird as i don’t think it’s a weird thing to say at all!

Clumsy the second time, knowing she didn’t like the first comment, but she’s totally over reacting.

It sounds like you’re close so I’m not sure why she’s making it into a big deal. I’d probably take it either 1) as a joke and laugh, or 2) just say something like “we were obviously meant to be together!”. There’s scientific research suggesting people often find characteristics similar to themselves attractive. It makes sense!

Perhaps this is a stage in life where you need to give her more independence and not lean on each other so much for emotional support. You shouldn’t be relying on her to pick you up, that’s a lot of pressure on someone who’s at the age where they want to live life and think about themselves.

It’s an unexpected thing to say, but the daughter completely overreacted. It’s not like OP said, “you’re as ugly as each other.” Sometimes people resemble each other, so what?

This is six of one and half a dozen of the other op!

Your dd over-reacted to something you said but what you said was a bit clumsy and too personal. And you double downed on it!

If you just spoke to your dd or texted her apologising for speaking clumsily and saying what you said on here about hearing their news or receiving their photos brightening your day etc and they mean such a lot to you, then I sure she would come around!

And next time you start to make a personal comment, involving anything about appearance, try and resist the urge to speak! I have DDs this age and they can be very touchy because they are young and battling lots of agonies and social pressures over looks.

You both sound extremely rude, self-absorbed and passive aggressive.

It's a commonplace comment and she is being awful to you for no reason. Well, at least this is not any sort of acceptable reason, maybe she's angry with you for something else, but this is 100% nasty of your daughter.

Nailed it.

Completely normal thing to say. I was brought up being told people go for partners who look like them. I always notice this about people. You absolutely did nothing wrong. Sounds like you've had a rough few years and been vulnerable and your dd has taken the upper hand. Time to grow your confidence, build a life for you, and crunch over those egg shells.

MN is like another world sometimes isn't it? I can't imagine why anyone would think it such a terrible thing to say, but I have come to realise that compared to much most of MN I am so laid back that I'm almost horizontal!

How some of these posters navigate life when they are offended by everything I do not know. It's refreshing to come across a poster who actually has sound advice.

However, OP, your daughter is being ridiculous and needs to grow up.

She was very badly bullied at school for two years from 11 to 13.. It involved a very large group and continued into our home. Then my husband and I lost our business. He was bankrupt and we separated three years ago. This has all been absolutely awful for all of us (son 23) but I think with the bullying we have just taken feeling bad for her too far. She was literally an angel until she got to 18. Didn’t want to be around all the drama so moved out and lived with her bf for six months at 18, but eventually came home.

Everyone tells me how awful it’s been for her - yes - it’s also been awful for my son and me, but no one appears to understand that.

She has a nice home and room which is actually a pig sty and does as little as possible to help. She can be very controlling - leaving all her dirty crockery for three days on the side. Warned her I’d put it in her car if not moved and eventually that’s what I did.

Last week in front of her bf she mentioned that I’d told her I miss being wolf whistled. I was mortified but said nothing. Another time the three of us were chatting over dinner and she was asking about how we preferred her hair. She said she hated my idea and when I said that I preferred it, she said she preferred me without a face full of wrinkles. It absolutely floored me. My son found me crying later that night and insisted I told her how much it hurt but I never did. These comments were said after I’d said she looked like her bf so I assume they were meant to hurt - they did.