Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

I do wonder how all these posters get through a day with all the offence they must take. They must be exhausted.

She is very immature for her age and needs to get over herself. Housework might take her mind off things.

Well this behaviour won’t be continuing. It’s going to stop or she can leave.

Isn’t it exhausting? I’m so done with it! She gets offended if the dog wags her tail in the wrong direction. Every word has to be micromanaged (clearly I am bad at that 😂) and every action carefully considered before taken - just in case she’s offended.

Remember MN is predominantly made up of mothers at the weaning stage and wouldn’t know a sulky adult child if they saw one so I am trying to take the ridiculous comments with a pinch of salt.

Has your DD always been like this @whatacroc Do you have other kids?

Surely if she's 20 it's time she moved out? It sounds like your relationship has a lot of friction and it's deteriorating. A bit of space is needed so she can mature and you can breathe.

I can see both sides of this. If your daughter has been in a series of abusive relationships, her perspective on things is going to be a little warped. She will also be suffering from some kind of arrested development and behaving more immaturely for her age than you would hope.

For your part, you have had to go through supporting her during these relationships and your nerves are going to be extremely frayed as a result so that smaller things than usual will hurt you.

I think you're right that it's time for a reset. You need to pick a time if to sit down with her and explain that you've been at fault for allowing her to get away with so much for so long and that it's time for the pair of you to show each other some more respect and redraw some boundaries.

Let her know how much you love her and how happy you are that she is now in a healthy relationship and tell her that because you respect her as an adult, you are now planning to move your relationship onto a more adult footing, which means both of you being allowed to assert some boundaries while while behaving maturely and recognising that there is a certain amount of give and take that comes with any group of adults living together.

If she reacts badly to this, gently encourage her to think about moving out. But don't put the blame entirely on her for the fact that you have been somewhat slack with your parenting. On the other hand, recognise the reasons why this has been and don't be too hard on yourself either.

I have lots of banter with both my daughters, thats how we are and saying something like that to them would not be a issue but you say that you have to 'tread on eggshells' around her, that says shes very sensitive and doesnt appreciate comments like that. Only you know your daughter so its a case of being mindful of what you say to her in the future.

It’s not a weird thing to say and it’s quite common that humans gravitate towards people who look like them or have for example the same type of smile etc,

It’s not a weird thing it’s a well known thing that people are attracted to people who look similar to them. In fact I often wonder whether me and DH are suited as we don’t look anything alike!!

Good. One thing though is I’d avoid passive aggressive comments like “if I can’t look at you and bf in a picture then I can’t see you in person for three days can I”. Instead say “I’m not running around after you and a guest this weekend because your behaviour has been appalling and I’m sick of being treated like this by you”. Be direct and it’s more likely to get results.

You’ve managed to mix up posts!

Wow. You sound very unpleasant and emotionally immature. In fact you sound a lot like all the things you’re labelling your daughter.
And no OP, my kids are not babies.
I would never react the way you do with my adult children because we have respect for one another, and I don’t get all my emotional needs met from photos of them (which is very unhealthy and a lot of pressure to put on your daughter).
The way you have responded to criticism here and the unpleasant way you are speaking about your daughter says everything about your motivations, that’s why you’ve been getting a so-called hard time.
If you took a more balanced view and held yourself more accountable for your unpleasant comments to her, you might be able to repair your relationship.
Being petty about her boyfriend not being allowed over any more is just childish. It really depends how important your relationship with your daughter is to you.
You said she was “an angel” until she turned 18 - is that when she started developing a personality and opinions of her own that you didn’t approve of? Or when she went through a terrible time due to her Dad? That would absolutely cause trauma.
There are more ways than one to look at this, and taking a less critical view would be more helpful for you here.

If you want people to send you pictures then say how nice they look or send a heart emoji. They don't want random comments implying they look related.

Based on your updates I would say that you are both a bit insensitive to each other and prickly.

Right? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My husband and I are both stocky, fair and have large heads. We're also both eldest children. My youngest sister is dark, slim and taller and her husband is dark, slim and taller and the are both youngest children. We're massive stereotypes too in lots of ways. My middle sister didn't start out resembling her husband but over the years they've merged somehow

I would have gotten out of the car and opened the gate myself. Why didnt you?

Presumably it’s one that can only be opened from the inside. She said it was locked and she’d let the DD know when she’d be back. What’s the point of having a locked gate that can easily be opened from the outside?

MN is like another world sometimes isn't it? I can't imagine why anyone would think it such a terrible thing to say, but I have come to realise that compared to much most of MN I am so laid back that I'm almost horizontal!

Very much this! I have had exactly the same thing said to me before, my 'reaction' was to chuckle and say (words to the effect of) 'Oh yeah I suppose we do a bit'. What I didn't do was act like I'd been accused of incest, throw a strop and demand an apology. But then I also answer my door whenever somebody knocks on it, I don't mind if a few extra siblings turn up to my kids' birthday parties, and somebody once said something slightly risque at work but I didn't go to HR/call my union, so I'm clearly wired up differently from the majority.

Honestly she sounds spoiled, entitled and doesn’t even pay board! I’d encourage her to move out soon and don’t allow the boyfriend to stay over. If you make her too comfortable then she’ll ever move out. Perhaps she’ll change as she moves out and realises the cost of living and running her own place. 💐

Yes but after being told initially that a lot of people agreed with the daughter that it wasn't a nice thing to say...the op then didn't accept it. She's now stopped the boyfriend coming over because she wasn't sent any photos.

Just think about that level of control for a minute. Removing the silly usual mother daughter bickering and the child's thoughtless selfishness (although one wonders where that comes from). The mother is demanding photos from her daughter. She says things that upset her daughter and instead of apologising she bans the boyfriend.

The dynamic here is toxic. Im not saying the daughter is blameless she's clearly selfish but surely the parent needs to be the mature one.

From reading your updates re missing being wolf whistled, aswell as the ‘you look like each other’ comment, to your preferred hair choice, it appears there are huge generational differences in opinions / banter. What was acceptable in your day is now not acceptable these days. Your DD thinks you’re weird and it irritates her.

My teenage children sometimes joke with me that I’d be cancelled these days. I grew up finding Little Britain hilarious but if I mentioned a joke from it (other than with my same aged husband), I get seriously frowned at.

This generation has different views and we all need to respect that and get onboard with the same views too tbh.

My granny’s moto was ‘if you’ve nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!’. If you were living with this moto too @Difficultadultkids then your wolf whistling comment and you look like each other comment wouldn’t have been said.

Oh btw, I was wondering if you have a gated house and a swimming pool, why only one shower between the three of you?

I've been dithering about posting, but this is the best response I've seen so far.

The chance that she "might" grow out of being a bully madam is too big a risk.

You are not doing her any favour by allowing her to think she can treat you badly.

Come down really firmly and hard, and tell her she knows where the door is if it doesn't suit.

But she doesn't get to live in your home and treat you badly anymore.

I have heard of versions of this and it just gets worse.

Girls whom grow into women like this are not nice to be around and most good men will realise it and run.

If one of my sons brought home someone like this and i heard how she treated her mum, I wouldn't be long telling him to watch out.

This is good parenting, sort it out now, once and for all.

I agree with PPs that people are often attracted to those whom they resemble… and I believe who resemble their own fathers too. This does not make them incestuous.

So it’s not weird at all to make a passing comment . This generation is so touchy! I really do think they need to get over themselves.

This!

But on a more serious note, the OP has now exploded and it’s become a big thing which could actually cause a permanent rift between her and her daughter. This is the problem of tip toeing and apologising constantly when one has done nothing really wrong… the pressure cooker will explode out of all proportion

Salutary lesson to just be NORMAL in one’s relationships with one’s kids , with give and take on both sides. Otherwise we’re creating a generation of over entitled and frankly insufferable people.

Really, she should take her key with her when she goes out so she can let herself back in without disturbing anyone else.