Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

How do you expect OP to respond to the bitchiness on this thread? I think she’s been quite restrained in the circumstances!

OP i think you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. Her behaviour sounds appalling. If any child of mine spoke to me like that it would be the last thing they did. Youve apologised now so its time for her to grow up and accept that sometimes we say things innocently not realising the hurt we cause. This works both ways. Ive worked in mental health for over 40 yrs and I can categorically say that many (not all) young people these days have a level of entitlement never before seen. As well as this they lack resilience and accountability and think the world owes them everything. Part of the problem sadly is liberal parenting but also the social media trend of blame your parents for everything. Shes only 20 so there is time to help her change her behaviour by refusing to tolerate it. This pussyfooting around her needs to stop. Time to establish some boundaries and if she doesnt like it then she can find somewhere else to live. Stand your ground and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. In the long run you will be doing her a favour.

Tbh some of the comments would normally really upset me, but I think I’m beyond being upset. What I do think is that an awful lot of entitled kids are going to be around in another 10/15 years, assuming most comments are coming from posters with little kids. The funniest came from someone who suggested my DD needed to set boundaries for me 😂😂

One poster called me a shit mum. Now those kind of comments need picking up by MN. They are the type of thing that could cause someone to end their life, having posted for advice, if they were in a bad enough place.

So yes! I have certainly thrown out some passive aggressive comments and they were well deserved.

But it was you that spoiled it.

@tensmum1964

This is interesting! I work in education and I have never known things to be as bad as they are now. Literally no consequence given out by school for the most appalling behaviour.

Is there a lot of ‘blame your parents’ on social media? I‘m only on FB tbh.

I am by no means perfect, but some of the things she says and does leave me astounded. This photo thing has been a real wake up call for me.

Do tell me, have you never once in your entire life said a wrong word? Seriously? A wrong word in your opinion! Plenty of people have said they do not find it offensive and it is after all a scientific fact.
So when she told me I had a face full of wrinkles in front of her bf??? What exactly do you think of that?
You clearly bear grudges and like drama.

Re Social Media, yes, there is a big trend from young people blaming their parents for all of their woes. Expecting parents to pander to their every whim and claiming to suffer trauma over the most mundane things. Its honestly has gotten out of hand. Many of the young people I work with behave appallingly towards others, not just parents, and then expect others to treat them like they are a precious stone. I know I will get flamed for this on here but I can cope and I dont care 🤣 im sick of hearing the words toxic and trauma come out of young people's mouths because they aren't getting what they want, when they want. Like ive said, the level of entitlement is incredible and the excuses for poor behaviour go on and on. There are more instances of child on parent violence than we've ever known. Its really quite scary. Before anyone comes at me about autism and neurodiversity, I am the parent of 3 neuridiverse adults and all 3 are rational, respectful humans holding down professional careers. They have their challenges but they dont use their conditions as an excuse for poor behaviour. Its about time we stopped walking on eggshells around young people and make them accountable for their behaviour.

And what’s ironic is that all parents now think they are doing a perfect job of bringing their children up so they won’t experience anything negative.

When in reality every generation blames the generation before

It’s what those three words represent I.e. an unfavourable reaction. Forgetting the words isn’t the problem - forgetting what they meant is.

However, maybe it didn’t register with you because she has unfavourable reactions to lots of things, in which case you can absolutely be forgiven for forgetting, if it was Thing #247 that had set her off that day.

“Check with me before you use the shower.”
Lol, no. Use the shower whenever you want. If she kicks off, well it’s Thing #248 for that day.

Get a lock on your gates that you can open from both sides.

You say she was fine up to the age of 18. She wasn’t fine. She was bullied. Maybe a switch flicked and she decided she would never be bullied again but has gone way too far. Not saying you or your family were bullying her, but maybe this is her way of gaining control over her life. And maybe you two are very similar because you have kept a lid on this for ages and have now blown (understandably so).

Good luck, I hope you find a way through.

Good for you, @Difficultadultkids

i work with young people and their effrontery is breathtaking. I don’t know who some of them they think they are half the time, or who they think they are talking to (their parent, for goodness sake). Yes, yes, I know some delightful and very polite young people, but sadly they seem to be a minority now.

The story you told about how she had a massive go at you because she forgot to pick something up as she left one morning, and how this was naturally all your fault for failing to remind her, is a good example of how dependent young people are. She’s 20! This is the trouble. Young people of that age expect total freedom and independence, but they haven’t learned to, or had to, stand on their own feet.

Well she can be independent this weekend instead of coming over to yours. I’m so glad you made a stand with her.

And fwiw, I’m sure she’ll grow up and come back to you in the fullness of time.

This nails it. I always absentmindedly say the wrong thing. I don’t mean to offend. I think your daughter is being a little harsh.

In the first place, there is absolutely nothing wrong with commenting that the couple look alike. Couples often do. People often say dogs look like their owners, too.

Secondly, decrying the fact that OP said this not once, but TWICE is way OTT!

Oh dear!
Fancy forgetting that a comment had irritated your weird daughter.
I think it's likely that NC is around the corner, now. 😱

OP was just being friendly; she didn't know how her DD would take it. I don't think it was an insensitive comment

Some kids with give you as much attitude as you will take.
It really is a bad idea to allow it.
More particularly as some are living at home longer.
My eldest and I clashed because he was selfish, self absorbed and lazy around the house.
We clashed because he tried to give me attitude at times, but i wouldn't accept it.

He moved out post graduation and now lives several hours away.
He comes to visit and is still a bit lazy, considers visiting home a Spa break🙄, but he's a well manned grateful lamb.

Loves my food and is really appreciative of everything I do.
He has definitely grown up a bit.
I have an 18 year old too and she can be a bit moody but there is no way she would behave as OP describes. She knows i wouldn't tolerate it.
How they treat family is how they will eventually treat a partner.

@CalishataFolkart

Thank you so much for such an understanding post.

When I said she was ok up to 18, I meant there was no poor behaviour or entitlement or attitude. Of course she had been through hell and as any parent would, I did absolutely everything in my power to protect her but ultimately the bullies won. I have thought many times that, like you say, a switch was flicked due to stress overload etc. However I cannot allow her to aim her displaced anger at me indefinitely.

She has flatly refused help via counselling so there is little I can do on that score. I now need to redraw boundaries and make her realise her behaviour is not ok.

It is not a weird thing to say! I have heard people say that about couples before. Your daughter is massively over reacting.

I have heard people say that about couples before.
From an annoying college or loudmouthed mate maybe just about tolerable. From her mother, it's too weird.

It’s the daughter who’s being weird, in my opinion. Those telling OP to apologise for a harmless comment are bullying her.

On another thread I read today, a woman trying karaoke is deeply offended because her boyfriend advised her to sing loudly so her voice wouldn’t be drowned out by the strong-voiced co-singer.

Do these people go through life looking for things to take offence at?

Exactly this!! Yet her telling me, in front of her bf, that I have a face full of wrinkles and I miss being wolf whistled was not even mentioned.

This has really helped me to see that I need to stamp out this toddler behaviour and I absolutely will.

Think it was weird to tell her that, how did you think it would land?

I agree there are too many nasty and vindictive bullies on mumsnet, getting worse these days, like hyenas they descend on threads where OP is already struggling with something and looking for support.

This could be the making of her. People always talk about putting solid boundaries in place with kids, not to be harsh disciplinarians, but to be the safe, reliable place.
She has pushed and pushed and pushed and the result is her being miserable, her loved ones being miserable (which she probably feels guilty about deep down) and a squalid room to live in.
She can’t/daren’t rely on herself and continues a spiral of negative attention and feedback. It is like a toddler lashing out, but it’s time for her to grow up. You can still be a safe person for her to rely on, and reasonable boundaries should help that in the long run.

I could not agree more. I don't think MN does enough to stamp it out.

She has had health problems. But because of that, we have had to rearrange our lives around her. Our holidays, our activities, our use of the house, everything. And she sometimes uses her (genuine) illness to manipulate us. I don’t think she knows she’s always doing it. But she has become quite spoiled and rude, and we have got into a habit of doing as she asks. But this is not helping any of us.

My ex husband and I looked alike when we were young. Anyway, let us know how you get on OP. Young Madam definitely needs to understand you are an actual person, with wants and needs as well as her, and not merely a robot slave programmed to serve her dues and demands.

And yes, get a lock for your gate!

I can understand where she’s coming from BUT I was always told that true soulmates actually look alike! I don’t know if that’s on old wives tale, I don’t even know where I first heard it but it’s what I’ve always thought. You recognise something in eachother and that’s how you fit together so well (I’ve never found mine! 🤣) maybe that’s what you are seeing