Is this my fault

[Difficultadultkids]

My daughter’s past few bf’s haven’t treated her well. She now has a lovely new bf and I couldn’t be happier for her.

We’ve always sent each other pics of what we’re up to (just a thing we do) and I love to see their selfies of them having fun and just being happy together. He lives a fair distance away so she goes to his for some weekends.

About a month ago I commented how alike they looked. She replied saying it was a really weird thing to say. I’d totally forgotten I’d made this comment, and said two weeks ago “You do look alike.” This was not done on purpose. However, as a result she has told me I am not allowed to receive pics of them together due to me being weird. They’ve since been to a wedding and I’d spent ages helping her choose a dress and really looked forward to seeing the lovely pics but was only allowed to see the back of her and front of him.

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is. The last few years of my life have been absolutely awful and this little sprinkle of happiness has really lifted me, but obviously it was too much to ask.

For context I have never once asked for pics.

@nomas

”Secretly trying to sabotage their relationship” because I forgot I’d said something? Are you actually serious?
Do you honestly remember three words from every message you receive? There was no big argument, it was NEVER discussed. She just typed “That’s really weird” and that was the end of it.

Why do people on here read your post and then tell you you’re lying? Now that is weird. How have you possibly got to that conclusion? I even said life has been incredibly shit and I’m so happy she has this lovely boyfriend. He comes here, I cook him lovely meals. In fact I even get her to message the dinner options so he can choose. I helped her make him a lovely cake. I bought him birthday presents. HE IS LOVELY OK!! No conspiracy theories needed.

i hope your friend was strong enough to get through her wedding after the insult.

WRAF? Why are you still
apoligiding?

She's being a brat.

how old is she?

Maybe it's time she moved out & stood on her own two feet! It if she's not working & can't move out, at least she needs to develop some respect.

And why shouldn't she beep the horn when she can't get in the gate & DD won't answer her phone??

He deserves better than someone who acts like this

It was an awful thing to say even though it was unintentional

Thank god someone actually thinks it’s ok. I am stunned at how many people think I have spouted pure evil at her. If you saw them you’d understand because the resemblance is striking. Please before anyone goes down a rabbit hole…..No!!! They are not long lost siblings. Pure coincidence.

I know Mumsnet can be bonkers but wow! One poster suggested I am trying to sabotage their relationship 😂😂 I’m sure someone will soon suggest I’m having a secret affair with him.

My title “Is it my fault” actually means “Was it my fault for forgetting I’d already said it” but I could not fit that in.

Personally, I don't think it's that much of a weird thing to say....but, if my Mum said that to me I don't think I would have liked it, and even more so to have said it again (I know you said you forgot). What I do think is that you are being over sensitive and are placing too much emphasis on how this effects your own happiness. Does it really make a difference if she doesn't send you pics of the two of them together for a while? I don't remember sending my mum pics of me and my DH when we were first dating or at any point really. I do send her loads of my children and cat though.

But she’s probably self conscious about it and might be wondering whether other people are thinking it too.

Plus if I thought I looked liked a partner I would have the total ick

Why? Explain please?

I don’t think anyone has said it was evil though🙄

But OP - it doesn’t matter what I or Mrs Random on the internet thinks.
What matters is that you hurt your daughter’s feelings, and yet instead of doing a bit of self reflection and trying to see things from her point of view, you’re busily trying to get validation from complete strangers on the internet that you didn’t do anything wrong!
We’ve also seen passive aggressive responses from you and just above a whole list of things you’ve done for the boyfriend, as if that justifies anything.
You are not a victim of your daughter. Why don’t you stop trying to score points against her on the internet and instead do something constructive about resolving this with her?

i get most of you will not understand how upsetting this is

By this, I assume you mean upsetting to you? Because it does rather seem you've not realised how upsetting this is for your daughter.

My partner and I have been mistaken for siblings occasionally. I don't see it but it used to upset me when I was younger. Like I might fancy my brother!

It would give me the ick too. Like I was shagging a family member

She's the one being weird.

Absolutely this! I would be gutted if someone kept commenting on it and giving me the ick when I’d asked them to stop. Even more upsetting when it’s a good relationship after awful ones.

Her behaviour is immature and ridiculous. Of course that was a throwaway comment.
She will come crawling back OP. When she takes her oh so offended pants off.

Let me explain! I posted this because I was genuinely interested to see opinions on it. I am not seeking validation from anyone.

You are also referring to one specific post where I listed things I do for her boyfriend which was simply in response to the poster who said I was trying to sabotage their relationship. I am not after a medal. I do those things willingly because he is lovely.

It’s a scientifically proven fact that often choose partners we look like.

I think we have all turned into a generation of snowflakes. It doesn’t bode well for the future. How do young people cope with life?

I don’t need science to know it’s not weird. My daughter and son in law look alike.

I’m sure your daughter will cope with life just fine.

My cousins girlfriend looks like a very pretty feminine version of himself. I swear they could pass as siblings. I’d never say it to them though 😂

My DS is 21, delightful most of the time but yesterday I was “breathing funny” apparently. He’s my fourth child so you’d think I’d have learned by now not to ask questions, say the wrong thing, breathe funny or wear that middle-aged scarf edged in coloured pom-poms, “oh hello Mr Tumble” was my greeting. He’s often on a bit of a hair trigger and of course I am weird/out of touch/know nothing of the world. I observed this in my oldest at that kind of age. Personally, I’ve waited 59 years for the chance to be weird and embarrassing and intend to enjoy it.

It’s all about separating from us and forging their own way. She knows you’ve observed her previous unhealthy relationships and she may feel you’re over-invested or too interested/enthusiastic so she is telling you to back off so I would do so. I’d apologise but don’t try too hard. As for the gate thing, I’d have no time for that prima donna flouncing either. Is it “home from university syndrome”? That’s popular at the moment among some.

They are adults in the official sense but in my experience (professionally and as a parent) many are still not that together and have a way to go emotionally between 18 and about 25.

They’re not long lost siblings but if they’re the same ethnicity and from the same area and look remarkably alike it’s more than likely that they are distant cousins. That’s what people don’t like… you’re basically pointing out that they are likely to be somewhat related.

Now of course, many of us are distantly related to people in our home towns. But nobody likes the implication of some incest no matter how distant

I don’t think it’s a weird thing to say! She sounds very sensitive, just leave her to it and she’ll calm down.

So you admit it was an insult! Why say it twice then? Did you think she didn’t take onboard the insult enough the first time?

Seriously! So many posters putting this on me. Exactly this above! What was I meant to do?

For those saying this was my fault and I reacted badly…..please read carefully.

i told her I would be home at 1.30pm. I arrived at 1.40pm. The gates were locked. She does not answer phkne calls. I shouted her (not angrily) I rattled the gates, shouted again….waited….No response.

What would others suggest I do?

I DID NOT show ONE SHRED of annoyance. If I had that would have resulted in the silent treatment/arguing for days. This is what I said after beeping my horn and her letting me in. “I’m sorry! I had to beep my horn as I had no way of making you hear me in the pool.”
Dd “You love beeping your horn. Why did you have to do that. You will upset the neighbours. There was no need.”
Me - “But how else were you going to hear me. I’m sorry but there wasn’t much else I could do. I did say 1.30pm”

oh and for context I had to beep it when she locked me out two weeks ago.

Hope that clarifies