AIBU to move far away after years of free childcare from Mum?

[GentleHazelHelper]

My Mum provided free full time childcare at our home for our 2 kids from the time they were born. Now that they are school age, we really don't need her anymore. So we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. This place is about 2500 km away from her. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?

It does sound bonkers of them to move in these circumstances and take such a cut in pay. And to think there’s no value in being near family other than all day childcare.

I mean they’re entitled to move if they want, but it does seem odd. Have they dreamed of this place all their life? Is it particularly lovely. I can sort of understand if so. It’s probably less about “my Mum is no longer needed” than just wanting to be in this place.

Who is the other person in “we” - is it your husband / your DD’s father? Did he not play any part in this childcare you did for so many hours? What does he make of all of this? Sorry if it’s an assumption, presuming it’s a man!

They sound like 2 of the most selfish people imaginable.

What if OP was always a problematic parent but they felt/were trapped by the inability to afford childcare. Or she used their inability to afford childcare to have a hold over them and impose her will?

Also the kids are primary age? My childcare bill hasn't reduced that significantly from nursery to wraparound care. So they'd still be benefiting if they'd stayed.

So they now live somewhere small and are in what sounds like financial difficulties rather than have her continue to babysit.

Seems rather drastic and why go from one financial bad spot to another?

We'll never know the truth of this situation. I do, however, find that when I feel I can't manage without someone's help I ask myself, what would I do if that person didn't exist? Then I always find a solution. Having never had the option of paying for care or a family member to pick it up for me, I kept employment strictly to school hours. In honesty though, I didn't want to choose care for my kids, which was the main factor.

Well done you. What a wonder you are

Truly not hard. Whenever I think I need x person to help me with something and feel stuck, I ask myself what I'd do if they weren't there. Then I do that. There is always a solution.

Sorry I was being sarcastic at the never using care comment.

I moved away from toxic family at 18, have a mother in law who is despair help but it comes with every caveat and back handed comment you can imagine. Paid childcare was the only way to hold onto the career that lifted me from.poverty after years of hard work. No way was I putting my financial wellbeing long term in someone else's hands.

And that's despite living in a 20 yr marriage with a wonderful man who out earned me for years and thinks of all.money as 1 big pot of family money. I'm very fortunate. But anything can happen and keeping my career was to.important to never use paid childcare.

That's all fair enough. I made my choices for my children according to values that were dear to me at the time. Now that I'm older and wiser, I think I was a bit naive, so I don't think you made the wrong choice. I'm not sorry about my choices, but that's because it worked out for me. I'm well aware it could have been a very different situation, was a huge risk I never considered, and have made my own children well aware of this, like no-one did for me.

My MIL was similar to yours but we moved away for financial reasons, so that wasn't practical. Family help wasn't an option anyway as my mother worked full time and wasn't interested in that role, which is her right.

i want to thank ALL of you for your insights and opinions. Thank you for taking the time to Post them on this thread. I promise everything I posted is very true. I can Tell you that I tried hard to respect my DD and SIL‘s directions and boundaries. I respected their desire to keep to themselves on Weekends and other holidays. I kept Most of my opinions to myself, as I realize times and circumstances are very different from when I was raising my own children. I am fortunate that I am still married, however, my husband was unable to help me at that time. He was working Full time, and i watched the Grandchildren at their House.
Again, thank you, thank for all of your thoughts about this.

What are you going to do?
Will you now prioritise your life with DH. Will you stop subbing DD.

I have been working on recovering from this Situation, yes. I very much miss my Grandchildren, and they miss me as well. I am building a new life without them in it. However, it is difficult—and so sad.

I think you’re right to build another life . It’s sad now but one day it won’t be. Have fun spend your disposal income on yourself and your husband. It doesn’t mean you won’t be there if your grandchildren and their parents need you but it’s time to look after yourself.

So you're saying that your daughter said "I really don't need you anymore" and "we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there."

Give it a rest. You came in here on a lie, painting your daughter as a villain because that's how you want others to see her.

I do wonder what she would have to say about her reasons for the move.

You are doing the right thing rebuilding your own life for you and your DH now, OP. This is your time now. Live it fully, do things you always wanted to do, discover new things.

Hopefully you can find joy in other places. If your DD does come back, make sure you keep boundaries around your new life too. Don't give everything up to help them out. You've given them so much time when they needed childcare. You're now moving forward in a different direction. Everyone needs to be responsible for their own lives.

I am only describing my DD‘s Action. It seems unbelievable, but then they left.They did not feel they were doing anything wrong. Maybe they did not? That is why I posted this. I appreciate your opinion. I did indeed ask for everyone‘s thoughts.

They aren't doing anything wrong by moving. They are making their own lives, as our children should. The only part that I'd find concerning is how close they let your GC get to you with full time care, then moved. That's got to be hard on the kids. They'll cope, however.

You would also not be doing anything wrong by moving forward with your life and giving them less consideration. Only visit as you can comfortably afford. Invest your time in what you enjoy. If they come back and want you to pick up helping, you aren't doing anything wrong by declining.

Basically, everyone in this equation isn't wrong to live their own lives their way and not be duty bound to the other. You're all individuals whose lives intertwine but aren't enmeshed. (Emergency situations being different).

OP, may I ask how long were you providing care for and how many days a week?

Because I have heard of grandparents doing it full-time and being exhausted by the weekend and not having much of a life beyond doing this.

If this was the case with you, then your sadness is even more understandable.

I hope you will really focus on filling your time while you are able, with new activities that give you a chance to meet new people.

I think this is why so many women who are now retiring are not prepared to make such a huge and often thankless sacrifice.

Time you started spending your money on nice experiences, your years of free childcare can be their inheritance!

I watched these children from 7:30 am to 7:00 PM, 5 days a week. I was very exhausted, especially at the end—-just as I turned 70. The children and I were very attached to each other. I didn’t want to hurt them by quitting.

Yikes!

No, you did not describe her actions. You ascribed selfish, cruel motivations to a decision she made.

Describing her actions and your feelings would be "After I had been a full time baby sitter for my grandchildren for several years - through choice - my daughter decided to move away 2500km. I did not want this to happen. Do you think she should have done this?"

You have definitely not "only" described her actions. You have tried to paint her as a villain and started doing so by lying and pretending to be her.

Young mothers do not up sticks and move 2500kms away from their mother for no good reason as you tried to imply.

You are an unreliable narrator. I'd be very curious as to her point of view and why she moved.

How old are tge DC now? Would it be cheaper for them to fly to you?

The reason my daughter gave me was, "it's always been my dream to move that far away because I have always felt drawn to the mountains and the sea". I was totally unaware of her dream. She applied for several jobs, and once she found one---they moved. As some have commented on this thread, she apparently felt it was her right to do so. I did not ask to provide full time childcare when they became parents. The problem was that they were just getting by, and could not afford to pay anyone. Since I did this for almost nine years, I easily saved them 150,000 pounds in childcare expenses. If they had to pay for all of that, they would have been in so much debt, they never could have payed for any move.

Well she was correct to feel that it was her right. It was, and is. Perhaps she didn’t share her dream because she knew full well how you’d react to it.

Was she aware that in providing childcare you thought you were buying a say in where she lived? I’d ask if you’d really prefer she stayed not because she wanted to, but because she had no other option, but obviously the answer is yes.

Lol. Well that's because it WAS her right to do so 😂

You should have invoiced them or made it clear that your decision to babysit was based on them being at your beck and call forever and that they had to agree to only live where you decided they could live.

They'd quickly have asked you not to babysit, of course.

Still, how wonderful that your decision to babysit for your grandchildren allowed your daughter to pursue her lifelong dream and live somewhere she wants to live.

Any loving mother would be so happy they were able to help their child and grandchildren live a happy life.

Try being happy for them, if you can manage that, instead of wishing you could control them, because you will only make yourself more miserable doing so.

And in future, if you're only doing a "favour" for someone in order to gain control or make decisions about them make that clear from the outset so you are not disappointed when they behave as autonomous adults and make their own choices.

Many young people today are in pursuit of their dream. Good for them. Perhaps they could do that in their twenties and early thirties, BEFORE they have children.