AIBU to move far away after years of free childcare from Mum?

[GentleHazelHelper]

My Mum provided free full time childcare at our home for our 2 kids from the time they were born. Now that they are school age, we really don't need her anymore. So we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. This place is about 2500 km away from her. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?

I don’t understand why you are buying their food if you aren’t living with them but the circumstances of your post are inconsistent. If you are far enough away that you need to rent somewhere when you visit I wouldn’t expect you to be near enough to do any child care expext maybe have them or one of them for the odd week in the school holidays when they got older

By God, nobody is this selfish (you). Or this much of a mug (mum).

But I am a parent and also a GP that has done a fair amount of childcare. I don't tot up the childcare. I just enjoy doing it. As a parent, I want the best for my children and if that means moving away then so be it.

OP, unfortunately there are no guarantees.
I wouldn't ever recommend giving up your life to be free childcare for grandchildren.
It is simply too much and is rarely appreciated IMO.

Stop spending money visiting and invest in yourselves.
Take as much equity as you can from your home and enjoy it.

You've been very unfair in how you've described this OP. The lead post makes it sound like they used you and are now immediately moving with no care because they feel like it. From your follow up post though

• you no longer provide childcare and don't see them often
• they live in a cramped flat on low wages
• they don't visit you (from your description likely for financial reasons)
• they don't have space to host you and can't really afford to (why else are you martyring yourself by buying all food when you visit)
• visiting them is prohibitively expensive for you

So why shouldn't they move to somewhere they'll be happier? This is a terrible situation for them. Likely in addition to pleasant scenery they hope to have a more spacious home, perhaps where you could stay when you visited. They are probably also hoping to improve their financial situation, and to have access to free hobbies in nature. Apart from the extra travel time there's no reason for you to see them less.

*edited a typo

I’d be very upset OP, I’m saying that as a 30 year old mum.

OP no longer provides them childcare because they have moved 2500 kilometres away from her!

Oops - the OPs tenses confused me. I thought they were yet to move. I cant edit it now though!

Yes, and isn’t that lovely? I hope they said thanks.

You cannot expect adult children to live for their parents. It isn’t a two way street. We give up our bodies, time, sanity, money etc in the hope that one day they will grow into independent, balanced and fulfilled adults.

If you believe that your adult children are under an obligation to live near you for ever more because you helped them in their life, you’re a selfish parent.

I agree with you. Unfortunately, the reverse doesn't often seem to apply and you often see threads here where grandparents are expected to give up anything and everything to provide free childcare, with no consideration to their own lives. It should work both ways. No-one should have to give up their own life for anyone else.

So what you’re saying is, you wouldn’t have provided the childcare if you didn’t think they’d move in the future?
Come on now. You said you were exhausted anyway

It doesn’t work in the reverse because there is a fundamental difference in the dynamic of the relationship.

When you choose to become a parent you do so on the understanding that you will be a parent for as long as your children are alive. You accept that you will sacrifice and love that child unconditionally.

A child being born isn’t their choice. They don’t sacrifice for their parent (or at least, shouldn’t be obligated to). Their job is essentially to be taken care of and then find their own way in life, and make their own choices.

I’m not saying that grandparents should be expected to offer childcare (I’ve never asked that of my own parents beyond a couple of hours on a few occasions), but I think it’s disingenuous to suggest that the roles can simply be reversed.

Grandparents regularly get slated here for moving away from their adult children and grandkids.

Basically GPs can't do right for doing wrong on Mumsnet.
Or rather the only thing that they can do right is to give up any life and dreams that they want for themselves, give all of themselves to their offspring and grandchildren and never expect anything in return.
They're expected to adore their grandchildren and care for them like parents five days a week, but not care so much that they're sad when those children that they love like their own, are moved away.

Oh, and of course they have to abide by the grandchildren's parents many rules, hide their feelings, and never offer an opinion or advice. And when they're no longer needed to work full time for free, they're dumped.

Of course it works in reverse. Once you have raised the child you had, you don't get a say in whether they give you grandchildren, or whether they have expectations of you in that role. There are plenty of threads here where grandparents are expected to give up holiday home to give a deposit, give up their own satisfying careers to do free childcare, all sorts. Of course being there in emergencies is different, but day to day, our adult children have to live their own life and follow their own choices. I am responsible for my children as my adult children would be for theirs. If they want me to be available for childcare, they better check with me before conceiving that child. I'm allowed a say in my own life.

That seems like a fair summary.

My life is my own, just as my children's is their own. That's not to say I wouldn't help if I could and were able, but that's my choice.

Grandparents can be criticised for not wanting to do childcare (which many seem to see as transactional for access to said children or support of parents in old age). They can also be criticised when they want to do childcare and the parents don't want it, and the GPs are disappointed they don't see enough of the GPs.

In the same way that my children's expectations or hopes for me as a GP might not line up with mine, my expectations of what my grandparent experience might be might not line up with theirs. Neither party is wrong in either case. How it's handled could be.

Ah, you buggered up your reverse, I'm afraid, and that last sentence blew it. You're the gran aren't you? 😂

(Yep, just confirmed this reading your updates).

Yep, your daughter has the absolute right and definitely SHOULD move if she wants to. 100% unequivocally.

Yep, it would be nice if you were happy for her and wanted the best for her, but nobody can force you to feel that way.

That must hurt @GentleHazelHelper 💐

At the end of the day your dd and her dh do have to live the life they want for themselves.
You dgc will hold lovely memories of you and time spent with you in their childhood.
I know it's not how you envisioned your retirement years. Your idea of family is living close and your daughter's isn't.
Visit them when you can, offer for them to visit you for holidays, or offer to have the kids stay with you for holidays.
Do you have other children?
What is your relationship like with your husband?
Do you have hobbies or friends to keep you active?

How do you know she stopped childcare because she didn’t say that in her earlier posts?

It’s Canary Islands or Madeira Island in Portugal.

She's not saying that though. She's saying her heart is broken, which is understandable. She bonded with those children and they've been taken thousands of miles away from her without a backward glance. It must be so hard for the children too, losing the person who cared for them every day.

I see my grandchildren usually a couple of times a week (look after the baby one day a week) and babysit maybe once a month. I love them with all my heart, and they love me, and I would be devastated if they upped and moved thousands of miles away.

I would never try to stop or guilt trip my children from moving away, but that doesn't mean it should just be accepted as no big deal, like all the "what's it to you?" comments are making out. Grandparents aren't robots! The grandchildren must have felt the loss too the poor wee things.

We buy food for them and pay for own lodging because they are barely getting by. We do it because they need the help.

No, if she'd written that, she'd have received sympathy.

Instead she tried, sneakily, to paint her daughter as uncaring and unfeeling by specifically pretending that her daughter said: "we really don't need her anymore....Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?"

OP apparently is incapable of theory of mind, she can't in any way put herself in her daughter's shoes or try to imagine how her daughter thinks and feels, and instead she has centred herself in the narrative and tried to paint her daughter as a villain.

The daughter would have a completely different story to tell and there are undoubtedly excellent reasons for the move, that don't centre the OP. But we will never hear them, because she's attempting to manipulative the narrative and has from the very first post.

When someone behaves quite cunningly, as the OP has, in order to try to paint another person as a villain, that tells you a lot about them and nothing about the person they want to paint as a villain.

Perhaps there are very good reasons why the daughter has moved far away.

I wouldn't have thought childcare is provided solely as a way to keep children living nearby. Your DC have the right to live wherever they want to, whether you like it or not. Thank goodness my DM would never have placed conditions on the favours she did for me.

I suspect your DC is moving to get away from being suffocated by you.

GentleHazel, who is 'we', do you mean you and your husband, he is still around?

If your daughter and husband are struggling so badly now that they can barely afford food and only have a small flat, it doesn't sound like it was a good move. However they have made their beds.

How old are your grandchildren now, if they are still at home I wonder how they feel about living all on top of each other and being so poor.

I get how you must feel, many would feel the same but if you still have your husband you have a lot, Gentle, You'll get used to it.

This cannot be the UK because nowhere here is so far away. The distance from Land's End to John O'Groats is only 970 km as the crow flies.

Is this Canada or Australia? Ocean rather than sea but distance in kilometres.
Children have built up a relationship, why break it? Would be better for them to all be close and allow development through teen years early adulthood..