AIBU to move far away after years of free childcare from Mum?

[GentleHazelHelper]

My Mum provided free full time childcare at our home for our 2 kids from the time they were born. Now that they are school age, we really don't need her anymore. So we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. This place is about 2500 km away from her. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?

How soon are your gc old enough to come and stay with you op? That would be an improvement on your expensive trips.

That’s all fine, and I had my children on the other side of the world to the grandparents. But I do think if you’ve been 5 days a week care for the grandchildren that it is stressful and emotionally wounding for the children to move far away, you’d want good reasons as parents to do that, because you’ve supported your dc to bond very closely with your parents and expect that level of contact.

Stop paying for anything for them, other than pressies for the grandkids.
i think that was a really shitty thing to do to you, OP.
My SIL took 10 years of free child care from her DM - with my lovely MIL living with them a week/ 2 weeks a month at a time and giving up all her free time - then as soon as she didn’t need it anymore told MIL she wasn’t welcome to come and stay with them for more than a weekend at a time a couple of times a year!

Poor MIL went from seeing the grandkids all the time to hardly ever.

saraclara....
I am a Grandparent and a very active one. I love my DCs and DGCs and will help them until the end of time BUT I want them to put their lives first and if they think that living on the other side of the world will give them a better life then I would never stop them.

But they didn't move for a better life... theyre in a tiny flat...they're struggling to keep afloat and the OP is buying food for them. They're still happy to take take take !!! And the OP is spending a fortune on visits to see the grandchildren. All because they thought it would "be cool" to live at this new place. Immature, and selfish.

I don't like reverses as they tend to disrail the thread. I also would normally think that the offer of childcare should never be used to emotionally blackmail the recipients of the childcare.

However, I don't know any grandparents who provided full time childcare for two children from birth until they started school. This must have taken about 7 years of OP's life and saved OP's daughter and her husband an absolute fortune. I provided childcare for my grandaughter for two days a week until she started school and it was very tiring as well as rewarding. For OP's daughter to just announce that they were all moving thousands of miles away and expect her to be completely happy about it is unreasonable and unfair.

They certainly shouldn't expect her to keep bailing them out financially as the costs of living overseas are so high. They don't seem to treat her as a person with feelings, only as someone to support them financially and to facilitate their lives overseas.

Noone would put themselves in this.positoo nif they were happy where they were before.

I think grandparents should only do childcare for their adult offspring if they want to do it and should only do the amount that they want to. That way parents realise they have to change their lifestyle either through less work or less money as paying for childcare and grandparents don’t feel they are owed anything as they are doing it for their pleasure

Neighbours are grandparents. Son wife and children moved out to Australia. They did visit then grandpa died out of the blue. Now they visit every other year. Financial help is given re flights. Only only son comes with the kids.

It's worth considering paying for flights so they can visit.

I feel for you op, that must really hurt.
Of course we can’t control our children or expect them to consider us when making their life choices, but from your posts you have helped them as much as you can and built a relationship with your grandchildren too.
2500km is a very long way and expensive to visit. I’m guessing Australia as they use kms, Melbourne to Cairns is probably about this distance.
I think you are getting a hard time from some posters; I assume you were upset that you were doing 50 weeks of childcare and your daughter and son in law took holiday when you were away and that was the only break you got? That must have been hard going while you are still working full time.

I don’t see this info in the OP’s posts. She doesn’t mention working full time as well as babysitting just doing full time preschool care which I wouldn’t have thought you could combine with a paid job. I don’t see 50 weeks mentioned either

As hurtful as it is for you OP, all you can do is think about what you want for your life now and go and live it fully. You're as free as they are to make decisions for your own life. If they do return, please don't rearrange your life for them again. Make this your time. Join some groups, start or reignite some hobbies.

Right. Why did they move? Nobody knows and OP started off trying to paint her daughter as a villain by pretending to be her, so her input and opinions simply cannot be trusted.

Nobody moves 2500 kms away from everything they and their kids know on a whim.

I have to wonder if this enormous change to all their lives was at least in part to escape from OP.

Some people have expressed that idea but I find it hard to believe you'd have someone you felt smothered by care for your children full time, for years? That doesn't seem a way to create boundaries and get un-enmeshed.

If they decided not to set boundaries they felt they needed with OP until they'd had all the childcare they needed, then it doesn't speak well of them. They really did use OP then.

The OP is an unreliable narrator, she started off with a total lie pretending to be her daughter and absolutely deliberately painting her daughter as a villain. Others have said she has written other threads which contradict this one.

I am comfortable not believing OP's version of events.

Even so, using someone for full time childcare doesn't seem like something you'd do if you found them overbearing or suffocating. It seems more like you'd want to put some boundaries and distance there, so that suggests to me that there wasn't that dynamic.

Also a good chance there was no thought of moving away during the children's preschool years and that came up later.

I do think it's rough on the grandchildren to build the kind of bond that full time care with a grandparent will give them have it ripped away. At least I never knew my grandparents from birth.

If the OP is an unreliable narrator (and she is) there is no reason to believe she didn't kick up a stink and make it clear that she and only she was to be the babysitter, and her daughter went along with it for peace.

Being a full time babysitter for your grandkids (if we assume his part of her story is actually true) does not in any way preclude the OP from being overbearing. The daughter might be trying to escape for the sake of her kids as well as for herself.

That's just one possible version, but there's really no point in speculating because the reality is that the OP won't tell us the truth.

Nobody makes a 2500 km move for no good reason. Whatever her reason, we will never know as the OP has told fairy tales from the start.

If you want people to reply in good faith then you need to post in good faith yourself. This is not that thread.

It's not as if the reality isn't immediately transparent. People don't tend to like being taken for fools.

True, we'll never know for sure.

I do know that my (and I think most people's) instinct is to back off overbearing people. No way would anyone pressure me into being my childcare if I didn't want it. Even if I let other things slide, I most definitely had a back bone when it came to what was best for my children. Going along with it for the sake of peace is throwing your children under the bus.

I have no problem with children or parents of grown children making moves. I moved 1,700 miles from my parents. My parents moved 12,000 miles from theirs. In neither case was it to escape parents.

If you read much on mumsnet you will find a lot of overbearing grandmothers, mothers, fathers, and a lot of bizarrely compliant family members. I have never been compliant and always had the ability to set boundaries fairly quickly, if required. But I recognise that many are not like me.

I do not agree that the majority of people find it easy to stand up for themselves, if mumsnet has taught me anything, it seems to be the opposite (although I recognise this could also be the false consensus effect, given that most people don't post unless they have problems).

Nobody moves 2500 kms away from everything they and their kids know on a whim.

Don't be ridiculous @occamsrazor26 ! You think that everyone who emigrates is trying to escape their mother?! Of course people move abroad on a whim. There are multiple TV series following them.

All if my cousins emigrated on whims, even though they were really close to their parents. After the last of her kids left, she went and joined then all!

If they moved to Australia then it’s highly likely that they did go for a better life, and they’re in the period of establishing it. Furthermore, if it is indeed Australia then they would have to actually have something to offer the country, and a not insignificant level of financial security, in order to be approved for the visa. That applies to most countries, but Australia is known to be especially difficult to emigrate to. It isn’t something you can just do on a whim because you think it would ‘be cool’.

My parents relocated far away on a whim but we didn't. It's much harder now. When we did it, it was for major push factors, but the parents weren't one of them.

Stop visiting. Disinherit and enjoy your life without them.

I agree with the last five words, visiting is optional as affordable, but disinheriting (while a choice she can make) is a choice that makes a very strong statement to your child. It's a final FU that can never be resolved or taken back. Not what I'd want to leave my child with.