AIBU to move far away after years of free childcare from Mum?

[GentleHazelHelper]

My Mum provided free full time childcare at our home for our 2 kids from the time they were born. Now that they are school age, we really don't need her anymore. So we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. This place is about 2500 km away from her. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?

What’s the point of a reverse? Is it so people can pile on and say YABU so that the person feels somewhat validated? 🫣

lol at how that is written.
rather obviously, as the grandparent in question op, you are not being unreasonable that your daughter is really rather horrid.
but - even if she’s phrased it wrong, they are allowed to live where they want. If you resented providing free childcare, you should have raised it at the time. Perhaps you could talk to your daughter?

I can understand you are sad. However, the childcare you gave shouldn’t mean your DD has to live near you forever, forsaking any opportunities that come her way.

Did you always view the childcare as transactional?

You have every right to feel hurt and upset OP. But they don't owe you anything and should move if it's what is best for them as a family.

This is like one of those ridiculous stories found all over FB now with a long teaser and then COMMENT YES below to get the rest. Don't feed the spam.

You have really struggled to show your DDs reasoning for moving.
they are adults and can move if they choose to. Look at it this way, you can have some lovely holidays with them.
parent/ child relationships shouldn’t be transactional. By looking after the children you got to help your child and build a close relationship with your dgc.

If i were in your position, I would rewrite my will to leave everything to my grandchildren to inherit. Everything should be left in trust for them until they're 25 and £1k only for your dd.

You should clearly state in your will that as your dd benefited from free childcare for 10 yrs for 2 kids, she's just entitled to just £1k. It'll cost her more money to contest the will for such a small amount. Your grandch8ldren deserve it more than your dd does.

Where is this place, near the ocean and mountains?
On the one hand, I feel sorry for grandparents who don't get to see their grandkids, but it's probably rare to have both sets of grandparents living very nearby, and many people aren't lucky enough to have grandkids anyway (and life being as it is, some grandparents couldn't care less about their families).
Deliberately using someone for free childcare knowing you intend to move when it's no longer needed seems a bit cold, if this is true.

Wow… the “now that we don’t need her anymore” is a bit much! Horrible! Move where you want, but that is an awful way to think of and speak about your mother who has clearly done her best to make life better for you and your kids.

Oh this DD will have her reasons! There will be a torrid history between this pair

I agree it reads like a reverse.

But let’s say it isn’t. YABU to frame it as “now that we don’t need her anymore” but she would be unreasonable to have the opinion “I helped with childcare and now you must stay near me forever as payment”

You don’t “need” your mum anymore?!

Erm, yes of course it’s fine to move and live your own life!
Only an emotionally manipulative grandmother would have a problem with it…

I presume not in the UK as 2500” km” away. Someone is feeling resentful

It is sad if the years of enjoying time with their grandchildren were not enjoyed for their own sake but chalked up on a “ debts owed” spreadsheet. This is why some parents avoid using grandparents for childcare. They don’t really want to do it. It just goes on the spreadsheet

I confess. I am the Grandmum. I do sometimes doubt that my feelings of hurt and yes, some anger towards my daughter are justified. So I wanted to present the facts from my daughter's Point of View. What I posted is exactly how it happened, and how she felt and still feels. She thinks what she did is perfectly right and fair. She never promised she would never move, but I never suspected that she would. When I first started babysitting, Daughter and DH simply could not afford to pay for daycare. I kept doing it because I was very attached to the children, as they were to me. I never asked to be paid, and they never offered to pay. I felt my free help would in turn help them focus on their careers and save money. Instead, their savings are what made it possible for them to move.

Edited by MNHQ to make clear that this thread is a reverse

Ocean and mountains, so Southern California? No one in the u.k. or Europe uses the word “ocean” lol it’s the sea!

I never understand why people are so cruel to their family. At the end of the day, they are the only ones we have.

It does seem a heartless thing to do.They made good use of your free childcare and now you're being left behind. However, you know they can do exactly as they please, and you have no choice but to accept it.

Grandparent here. I have posted before. I provided Free childcare to my daughter's two children-five days a week, 10 hours a day. Year roundHolidays and Summer. I travelled for two weeks every summer. My Daughter and husband took Time Off from Work during those two weeks. The result was that I never got any other rest from my duties. When I returned from a trip, it meant I was back to Childcare. I love my Grandchildren, but it was often exhausting

And you struggled so it ended some time ago?

She didn’t say that in what you posted. You have invented that.

Can you not find other things to fill your time? If my son wanted to move I would not want my resentment to hold him back.

have you just joined mumsnet today?

never heard of a posting history?

GentleHazelHelper · 23/02/2026 19:04
I work time. Husband works about 25 hours per week. He does do most of the cooking, and some of the laundry. He does very little house cleaning. Most of the chores are assigned to the children (ages 10 and 13)including washing bathrooms, caring for pets, and emptying bins and taking them to the curb (which requires the 13 year old to wake up two hours before he leaves for school-(even though Husband has that day free). Do you think Husband should assume more housecleaning duties?

who’s this @GentleHazelHelper ? Or do you have a 10 and 13 year old?

It’s really not reasonable to resent them for moving elsewhere for a better life. Just because you were generous with childcare doesn’t mean you get to dictate where they live forever.

If you still want to be an involved grandmother then you need to get over yourself and make plans to visit regularly.