AIBU to move far away after years of free childcare from Mum?

[GentleHazelHelper]

My Mum provided free full time childcare at our home for our 2 kids from the time they were born. Now that they are school age, we really don't need her anymore. So we are thinking of moving to a city that is by the ocean, and close to mountains. Not really for better jobs---we just think it would be cool to live there. This place is about 2500 km away from her. AIBU to think this is our right to do this, and that my Mum should approve?

On the back of that? Really?

No good deed goes unpunished as the saying goes. Your DD can obviously live her own life, but I would be hurt.
And no I would not move nearer her like someone suggested! My life is where I live. Plus I must be weird because I hate the seaside and would never live near the coast. I also live somewhere hilly and beautiful and have no interest in living near mountains either.

It seems unfair but equally if this is a dream they have then when should they fulfill it? No doubt they appreciated your help but I doubt they said they do not need you any more so are happy to move 2500 km away. I expect it is a lifelong dream they are now in a position to make come true. What was your response to them telling you? You cannot expect your kids to stay close to you their whole life. Were you a willing GP doing childcare? If not then you should have said no or do as we did and set limits. You will always have that bond with your GC even if you live a long way away.

This is most definitely a reverse, and why we never accepted anything - money, childcare or otherwise - from MIL, because we knew she would hold it over us. Nothing is free, not even free childcare!
OP, nobody made you provide childcare.

Edit to add that obviously I didn't RTFT before posting.

I have tried to visit regularly. Otherwise I would never see them. They took huge cuts in pay, and cannot afford to visit us. They have a very small flat, so there is absolutely no room for us there. When we visit, we must pay for our lodging, and we purchase all of their food. A typical 10 day visit costs us about 4500 pounds. We are retired, so this is not so easy.

2,500km from somewhere in the UK is the middle of the Atlantic.

You won’t get great answers here, OP, because you’re talking to people in a country where 100 miles is a long way.

I think it's very important to teach your kids that it's everyone's moral right to dump people the moment they don't need them any more - particularly their parents. If people aren't useful to us then what do we owe them? Nothing! It's good you're teaching your kids to understand this.

I'm intrigued as to who will provide free childcare for all the school holidays for the next decade or so if they're moving 2500 km away, especially as the move isn't about better paying jobs. And it's also a bit ill considered to move there because they "think it would be cool"!! They don't only sound selfish and ungrateful, but very immature too !! Youll miss the kids and they'll miss you, but your daughter and husband will do what they want anyway, as is their right.... so let them get on with it and find out how much they "don't need you any more" !!

Maybe you could try posting to Gransnet. They may be more relatable

No words

But Americans use miles and most wouldn't know what a km was if it smacked them in the face! 😂

Obviously they have the right to make decisions for their life, including moving. My parents did this (in their words, for the adventure) and I don't thank them for me never knowing my grandparents or the rest of my extended family. Your GC might feel the same in time.

Things do change, so your having provided childcare can't necessarily be the driving decision in whether they move or not. It's rough on you and the children to have that after being so close. Sometimes it's necessary if life is more affordable for them, or there's other driving factors that made them move, where they are now however.

I appreciate that it’s hard for you, but they can (and should!) do what they want with their own lives. Your job as a parent is to teach your kids to live without you.

Wow they sound as poor as church mice now but happy. I don't think they'll stay if they're naturally adventurous. Their next move maybe closer.

I am assuming that this a poor attempt at irony?

As someone of your daughter's age/position, my heart breaks for you. I find it stunning that people are able to argue (or accept), both, that their parents owe them childcare when their parents are older and tired, and in the same breath that it's their lives and they shouldn't have to consider their parents' feelings..how can both of those things be true?? Either you are fully autonomous and owe each other nothing (in which case don't accept free childcare!) or you are people who are bound by ties of love and caring and therefore you accept that your actions have some impact on each other.

My parents had to move away from their parents due to economic/job restrictions at various times, and it was really hard for them and we would have loved to have had more time with our grandparents. In their case they had no choice in the matter.
I'm not saying they have no right to move ever, but the lack of acknowledgement of all you have done and how you must feel is so unkind.

I hope things get easier and the rift heals for you.

Which they can only afford to do because Grandma allowed them to save tens of thousands on childcare. How independent were they then?!

Ditto

Sounds made up.

Grandparents are really at the bottom of the pile, for you, aren't they? Not people with their own lives and feelings. They should just give up their lives for their kids and grandkids and never ask for or expect any consideration in return.

I'm going to guess that when her kids asked her to do full time child care until the grandkids were old enough to go to school, they didn't consider mentioning that once she'd done that, they'd move 2,500 miles away. If they had, I suspect that she actually would have said no.

Grandparents are just bots to serve their offspring, as far as you're concerned. Your attitude is sickening.

You have to tell us where this is OP!

So far you've used km, pounds, ocean and distances that would cross multiple countries in Europe.

They have a very small flat, so there is absolutely no room for us there. When we visit, we must pay for our lodging, and we purchase all of their food.
Why on earth are you buying their food!? Stop being a martyr.

This post expresses exactly how I feel.
How can it be that gp owe childcare but are owed nothing in return. It’s a shitty attitude

Edited by MNHQ to make clear that this thread is a reverse

I mean, it’s very clear it’s a reverse - but MNHQ haven’t edited anything 😂

Geez, dig in to your position, why don't you. The small amount OP has posted before shows that she was used for labour like a mule. At no point in that brief other post did OP say she "struggled". I, personally, would struggle with having them over for a couple of hours once a month, but poor old OP has barely had a moment to herself in many years, has been used mercilessly as if she were a wellpaid professional childcarer, and then abruptly discarded.