Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

How do people like the OPs DD cope when they have a second child. It is pretty typical where I’m from to have 3/4 + children and people who have lots of kids have babies who get used to noise.

I’d be totally intolerant of the PFB of this BS.

But he's not at his mother's 24/7

Yes, people seem to overlook the fact that DD did not jump straight to him not coming over - she has asked it because when he does he is not making any effort to keep the noise down. And while it is harder for some ND people to understand the impact of their behaviour on others, being autistic does not mean you dont care about other people or act totally selfishly - some of the kindest people I know are autistic. The son has clearly shown he does not feel this request is important, and this is the crux of the problem.

No just when it’s the babies bedtime.

The baby's bedtime is the DDs issue. Yes he could be quieter but it's still not the DDs house to whinge about it.

If she had next door neighbours in a tower block crashing and banging and lift doors opening and closing all even she's going to have to put up with that noise as she wouldn't be able to dictate to her neighbours either

It just doesn't work like that. Many of these mothers won't have another child because of this issue with the first. Others are the ones who seem to have gone a bit mad! Certainly my first child's sleeping issues made me ill and I ended up on medication for it.

My first finally started sleeping at about 3.5, at which point I hadn't had more than a couple of hours at a time since she was born. She went from that to becoming an amazing sleeper, not waking once in the night from noise or any other source. I decided then to take the chance on another so I have about five years between the two. Wouldn't have even considered another if number one hadn't started sleeping. Number two was completely different, always slept well to the point that I asked a doctor at a check up if it was normal. I was so confused to have a baby who slept that I thought there might be something wrong with her.

I was the same as number one, to be honest, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. But does anyone think that my mother or I didn't try absolutely anything and everything in sheer desperation? That we didn't try training them to sleep through noise among other things? Some will, some won't. It's not about quality of parenting or not trying. It's just how some kids are.

Of course he could modify his behaviour, to be quieter. He may be autistic, but he’s still an adult, capable of working. Stop making ridiculous excuses for him.

Babies need sleep. Maybe get the baby used to quite loud white noise.

I do feel for the OP, I wouldn't be overly inclined to ask the son to restrict visits as once he gets out the habit it might never return even after the daughter moves on.

Probably the most sensible course of action is a white noise machine and steer him to wherever in house will be quieter for the baby. Even out to the garden for a cup of tea as it’s so lovely I. The evenings.

How about ringing the changes for a while and have OP put baby to bed/resettle baby: see what happens?

He’s autistic and a delivery driver’s mate, so is in an assisted role, not running ICI!
It’s never a good idea to get a baby used to total silence for sleep, it’s just making a rid for your own back.

If your son was told to leave every time he woke the baby do you think he would learn to be quieter? Does your DD use a white noise machine for her little one? It would be good for him to learn to sleep through some background noise but maybe the recent move to yours has unsettled him.

Why? They are living there and it’s their home. He does not live there. It’s like saying he comes in and starts shouting at 2am but it’s not his problem his mum need to sleep. He doesn’t live there therefore needs to be considerate of the people that are. It’s so immature that at 25 he can’t understand his baby nephew needs to sleep and why would he not care about waking him up.

We’re not going to agree. I’ve said daughter is unreasonable for suggesting he doesn’t visit but I think efforts can be made by big mouth big foot AND timid OP to help the situation. You seem to think anything goes with no change in any adults behaviour

btw a noisy neighbour not quite the same as this situation

Did you even read all of my post?

I don't think you did.

I worked full time on my 3rd and BF all through the night with DD2 joining in the fun and coming into the bed to join us. The eldest DD did guides and scouts until 9 o'clock when the youngest was a baby and other sports hobbies that meant the baby had to be brought along in the car for collections. The house is just not quiet with 3 + children. That is all just normal where I’m from, other parents are doing the exact same with their young children.

There is a very specific uniquely British tradition with bed, bath and book at 7pm that just does not happen in other European countries. It causes huge anxiety in mothers like the OPs DD and other posters experience.

Havent read the whole thread but I think it’s lovely that your 25 yr old son popping in on his way home from work, to be honest this is my parenting goal.
your daughter is with you temporarily and when she has moved out it would be very sad if a new routine has been established where your son doesn’t pop in when he’s passing.

im sure it’s frustrating for your daughter but her child could have been a 3rd or 4 th sibling with lots of noise, someone coming home is a noise a child should be able to settle through.

Dont discourage your son.

He has a job, loves independently, can travel around to and from work or his mothers etc.

He knows he is disrupting the child.and just thinks it's not his responsibility.

I'm not saying be silent... but normal tones and not being "heavy handed" is just common courtesy. Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he needs to be a bit of a prick to his niece / nephew

I don't suppose he is that noisy and 8pm is not late. Your daughter is being too precious about her baby's bed time. She now living in a family house, must get used to the difference.

It's your son's home as much as hers. He would likely be more thoughtful if not told to do so.

"I don't suppose he is that noisy"

The OP herself admitted he is noisy......

My older child is autistic a d can be very loud and this did sometimes wake her little sister which was very frustrating for us. I think you need to keep reminding your son to talk quietly indoors (like we remind older daughter); it will help him in other situations too. Your daughter needs to accept some noise. Our younger child got very good at sleeping through her sister's meltdowns!

That actually sounds like my 3 when they were younger. I can still remember the horror of some people that I " dragged" DS out at 10pm to picked up one of his sisters from somewhere. Someone even told me that I should stop them going evening activities due to the fact I had a baby

Mind you I've never tried a 7pm bedtime

However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.

but is he genuinely trying? Because your original post seems to suggest otherwise..

you have opened your home to your DD and her DC. It’s now their home as well (even if temporarily). Don’t you owe it to your grandchild to at least try?

Sleep is an essential human need. It‘s one of your grandchild‘s basic needs!
A grown adult‘s needs and preferences shouldn’t automatically trump your grandchild‘s…

Lots of people saying to a regular "visitor" to keep the noise down is probably reasonable. But, a child asleep is not a reason for silence. The world is not silent. Why should a child's needs for silence come before anything else? The child needs to be educated to sleep in whatever surroundings they encounter now or in the future.

Having lived in many types of homes and find it uncomfortable to sleep in silent conditions. In fact when my children were babies I did housework (vacuuming, washing clothes etc) in the evening after they went to bed. We lived in a one bedroom flat and then a 3 bedroom semi. When I was with my parents we had rooms, i.e. not a flat with our own front door. There were doors banging, radios on loud, dogs barking.

Can we please stop using Autism as an excuse to not have manners?

Your son holds down a job, presumably lives independently from you so a simple request like keeping it down shouldn't be too difficult, especially as and I quote "he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up" which suggests he is making a conscious decision to not even attempt to lower his tone.

Regardless of your daughter's feelings (whom I feel for as you've offered her a temporary HOME)- the person your son is being the most inconsiderate to is a helpless baby. Perhaps remind him of that.

Edited to add, I don't think you should be discouraging your son from visiting, but there needs to be some consideration shown all round.

I think your daughter is unreasonable. It’s 2 nights a week your son visits.

Her child also needs to learn to sleep though noise that is people talking and coming and going from the house. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around him.

Now if your son was coming every single day I might be more on her side but again why should your live have guest restrictions for a favour you are doing.

I can’t imagine saying to one child sorry you can’t pop in after work because your other sibling said so.