Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

If I moved back into my mum's house, she wouldn't expect me to dictate who can come round and when, and I'd just be grateful for her letting me be there. Plus I would respect that my brother had autism and know that not all autistic people are the same-some can easily control their volume, others can't, but I certainly wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome at his own mum's house! I would just start putting my baby down later-for a lot of working mums, they need to have a later bed time anyway.

“However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up”

Can you remind him that despite his diagnosis he doesn’t just get to be selfish? While little one is living with you he will have to try and be quiet. It’s not good for the young child to have broken sleep. Why not just evict your daughter so she knows where she stands rather than half heartedly hosting her. It’s different if it was just her staying with you but it’s not fair on your grandchild FGS.

By the time the brother has visited the child’s bedtime won’t be until 9 or 10!

Tosh. Younger kids get put to bed first and the older kids are told not to play loudly during bedtime. My eldest used to read or watch TV while I put youngest to bed. You really think the son can’t also manage to be quiet if my 6 year old could do it?!

"he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home"

He's an adult. Adults know that there is such thing as being polite and considerate towards others. We all "tone it down" sometimes, particularly for the sake of children.

Your grandchild is the little boy deserving protection, not your son.

And? Not as though the child has to get up for school

Your daughter needs to get a white noise machine and not expect to ban your son from visiting. Out of order and you all can’t tip toe around quietly due to child’s bed time. There is also room for your son to keep the noise down

Being noisy is not an autistic trait though.

Dh is on the spectrum as is dc2 (same age than your ds).
They both know how to be quiet, ESPECIALLY if they’ve been told they are too noisy/need to be careful.

Im all for giving autistic people some leeway.
But being woken up like this doesn’t just disturb your dd, who’s just separated from the father (or tge dad just fucked off leaving her on her own to raise theur child - Thars what the ‘change if circumstances is about rigut?). But it’s affecting your grandchild too. And babies who dint sleep enough are just as affected than adults.
It’s not good for either of them

And you know that because?!?
Who’s to say that the child isn’t at nursery whikst mum is going to work?
Or that they don’t STILL wake up at 7.00am because the OO gets up agd gets ready for work.

Unless you have a child that is very sensitive to noise. Like an autistic child/baby.

I had one of those.
dc1 slept through with no issue.
dc2, brought up the same, actually in a noisier environment was waking up for anything and everything. And now white noise machine didn’t help. It actually had the opposite effect - see being hyper sensitive to noise!

Is there any white / brown noise or even maybe music that could be played in the room that would drown him out a bit and get baby used to sleeping in a slightly noisier environment?

We currently have 2 air con units blowing in the house due to the heat and we can no longer hear any noises happening in either bedroom upstairs despite rooms being next to each other, nevermind downstairs!

Babies like washing machine noises etc usually as they are apparently similar to noises in the womb so may even help baby sleep. You can find some things on You Tube / Spotify to try rather than going an buying a unit especially for it 😊

Edited to say must be YT or Spotify premium otherwise ads are loud during the noise!

Babies nap at nursery. It's hardly school. Unless of course where you are ONE year olds are at school

None of my kids were ever in bed at 7. Still managed to be up for nursery school etc) eldest started at 3 months)

And 7am is a much more reasonable time to wake than the 4/5 am ive read about on here

I live with and love 2 autistic people and have an autistic sister. He doesn't see it from her point of view as he doesn't know how others think and struggles to understand social norms. However, if would tell him not to shout. Trouble with autistic people is you need to be pretty blunt because of the social difficulties they have , then they get upset . However , surely babies get used to the noise levels they are in with time ...I slept through a hurricane when I was just over 1.. how old is this baby ? Autism or nit, 25 or not it isn't his house , though he may view it that way , daughter can not demand anything but ....I do get where she is coming from a bit.
He's your son and its your house though.

This is really difficult OP, I feel for you. Of course you don’t want to upset your DS and make him feel unwelcome, you say he is autistic so that does put a spin on it, however he seems as though he can function pretty well, has a job and lives outside of your home, so surely you can keep gently reminding him that he needs to tone it down, I don’t think it is too much of an ask really.

Your daughter being back at your home with grandson would indicate something has gone wrong in her life, so is probably already finding the whole situation very difficult and now has added stress of this situation. As a mum of two young children, it is incredibly frustrating when you’re trying to put a baby/toddler to sleep and someone else keeps waking them! It creates a rage like nothing else. Yes it is not your daughter’s house, but it is her home right now and she deserves some consideration.

edited to say could she maybe try a white noise machine if she doesn’t already?

Day to day living is not always quiet ! Better that babies / toddlers/ children are raised with the hum of life in the background and not in complete silence with Shush shush !

So he can hold down a job, drive a large delivery vehicle, pay his bills and live in his own home but he’s unable to think about he nephew and keep the noise down?!? Doesn’t sound right.
Is there someone next to him while driving constantly reminding him to stick to the speed limit???

So twice a week he is coming over and waking up a baby who already doesn't get to sleep easily? Perhaps you and your son should take over responsibility for getting him back to sleep after waking him, since both of you think it's not a big deal.

He doesn't live there anymore. She and GS do. So they take priority.

The baby won't be like that forever but you have to explain it's not fair to wake him up. It disrupts the whole household.

Can't he meet you in a local pub or something if he wants to see you in the evenings? Or can't you go to his? Then he comes round during the day on weekends?

You don't need to stop seeing him but his nephew is only a baby and needs to be accounted for. His mum can't be too sleep deprived.

She can move out if she doesn't like it. It's his home as much as hers.

I think you are playing favourites, @wildorangetruck - you are saying that your son’s want to visit outweighs your young grandchild’s need for a decent night’s sleep.

I assume this won’t be forever - just until your DD’s living situation is sorted, so can’t you prioritise your grandson for a while?

I would just say to him it’s always lovely to see him but he needs to keep the noise down if he visits after 7. Being autistic he is unlikely to see a problem himself and will need the required behaviour made explicit. The I’m sure he will have no problem with complying. He may just not realise there’s a problem?

Do you have young kids?! We definitely do ask older children to be quiet when the baby is asleep and we also modify our behaviour so as not to wake the baby! We live in a 3 storey house so our older child can be noisy downstairs, but when she comes up to bath/go to bed we make sure she’s quiet in the corridors and not jumping around etc. husband and I know what noise is a problem and modify accordingly. For instance our top shower makes the pipes noisy so we don’t use it in the evening.

Requiring carers or not is irrelevant here. How much experience with autism do you have? It is very common for autistic people to struggle with things such as controlling their tone and volume, or heaviness of their steps due to proprioception differences. Living an independent life doesn't mean all autistic traits disappear or get masked.

OP, I feel the people telling you to tell your son to be quiet do not have experience with autistic people. You sound like a very caring, neuro-affirming mother and I can see why your son still wants to visit you. It's difficult that there's a problem between your son and daughter, but I agree you shouldn't refuse to let your son over just because your daughter says so. They need to work out a way where your daughter can live there peacefully, and your son can visit his parents. A white noise machine for your grandsons room may help. Wishing you lots of luck on finding a solution that supports everyone's needs.

Does your son never go the cinema/theatre/church/any other place where people are expected to be quiet? Did he make a racket all through school? Autistic people are generally able to lower their voice and laughter. What’s he going to do if/when he has his own children?

Ahh damn I clicked YANBU when I meant to client that YABU! Your son can 100% be more considerate and be quieter but he is choosing not to and you are choosing not to pull him up on his crappy behaviour. Him being autistic doesn’t excuse him being inconsiderate.