Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

I have a child with autism who truly cannot speak quieter. We have had her hearing tested a couple of times, but it appears that is a common trait. Contrary to what some posters are saying, the DS is likely to not be able to stop this, and is not bring selfish. The DD must know this as his sister.

If you limit him popping in, as an ASD person, this will likely make additional issues as this is his routine.

Going forward, it depends upon a couple of things.
How long is DD likely to be staying? Is it worth the upheaval of DS routine?
How old is DGS?

You shouldn’t stop him coming but as someone with autistic family members if he is functioning well enough to be living on his own and working etc he is more than capable of being reminded to use an inside voice!

What’s the need for this comment? ASD is very complex, people can have many issues with managing behaviours that doesn’t mean he requires comments. You sound AWFUL

It actually is. Maybe its not a trait of your DH or child, but to say it isn't an autistic trait is fundamentally wrong. Autistic people often struggle to understand their own tone and volume levels, they often struggle to not be so heavy handed/footed due to proprioception differences. And then add vocal stimming in too, which if you know anything about any kind of stim it is very difficult to suppress, autistic people can be noisy. To say being noisy is nothing to do with autism makes me think you have a very narrow understanding.

It's your house OP and he is your son. And he only visits 2 or 3 times a week. Your DD will have to accept that life goes on even when kids are trying to get to sleep. The world doesn't stop because you have a baby, or at least mine didn't and I never expected it to. Your DD is very fortunate to have been offered a loving and safe environment for her and her child and I have no doubt their return has impacted your life on some level. It seems totally unreasonable to me that she should call the shots on who visits you, especially her own brother who should be equally welcome in the family home.

Are you one of those people that insist because something worked for you, or that you are used to things a certain way then this must be the case for everyone?

you seem to be, your posts are very one sided and lacking any empathy or thought for how difficult it must be for the baby’s mum

Youre not always right you know

Son needs to try and be quieter or come round 30mins later so baby is in deep sleep

equally baby needs to start to learn to sleep through noise - white noise can really help

is son always loud or just when done in excited to see you and chats about day

then goes a bit quieter

if so can baby go to bed 30mins later. So sees uncle and then bed once he’s a. Bit quieter

Your dgs needs to learn to sleep in your home environment.
your ds could be a little more considerate but I definitely wouldn’t stop him coming to your home

Also have an autistic child and 100% agree. Being considerate may be a harder skill to learn for some, but it can and should be learnt.

Teaching him that he doesn't need to consider others, that he's always #1, is not setting him up for success in life or future relationships.

There are some really nasty comments here from people who clearly don’t under the first thing about autism. The son is clearly trying but staying quiet can be almost impossible for lots of autistic people. Being able to hold down a job doesn’t mean they don’t have any difficulties in life!
I know if I told my ds something like this, he would find it really hard not to feel like he was never allowed to come over and would feel very rejected.
However, I have also had a non sleeping baby and I would have hated them getting woken up. Can they not use a loud white noise machine for an hour or so? Or just go to bed later? Sometimes we have an odd obsession with babies going to bed early but mine always had a late nap and later bedtime, then slept until later in the morning too. I would have hated spending all evening trying to get them to sleep and then being also woken up at dawn.

It's twice a week And it's not her house. People can only speak about their own experiences realky

Do you have any understanding of ASD? He may not be aware how loud he is or be able to be more quiet.

He needs to keep his voice down and she needs to buy a loud white noise machine

YANBU, lots of people have to settle babies in houses with loud ND siblings. You are doing a great thing taking in your daughter but your son needs you too. People say he can work so he can be quiet but he could be masking all day at work and his DM's house may be the only place he can be himself or he simply may not realise when he is being loud.

It's only a few days a week and not even that late into the evening. If DD wants to impose strict routines she should look to moving out, her Mum is doing her a massive favour housing her and her child and she can't dictate what happens in her home.

It’s her home for now. Albeit temporarily. She deserves to have some peace and being able to relax.

Can you not put yourself in her shoes and realise it’s not easy for her?

I think that it’s a reasonable request to ask him to be quieter. At the moment it’s her home more than your son’s as she’s living there and he isn’t.
I don’t think encouraging him to keep his voice down is not accepting who he is, it’s just basic manners. Baby sleeping = noise down. It’s not that hard!
You’ve already said she struggles to get him down and is there a while so I imagine him being woken up after all that is exhausting for her and she is not asking the earth of you or your son.

Autistic people are capable of changing certain traits btw. Perfectly reasonable to ask him if he could tone his laughter down.

My kids have never lived in the UK. And I'm not sure you actually read my post - most kids probably don't have a problem like this. Some do. That's it. Some just don't sleep properly. For my first it didn't make any difference if it was deadly silent or noisy around her. Sleep was a battle regardless. However if I had somehow managed to get her to sleep and something, anything woke her up, be it noisy people, an earth tremor or whatever, then yes it was devastating. If you don't have a child like this then you simply don't get it.

“7pm is quiet time in this house now whilst the baby is here. If you can’t be quiet then we’ll have to stop midweek visits after 7pm”.

I feel for your daughter, clearly your son has always dominated the house.

If you create silence for babies to sleep they will always need silence. I used to vac when my babies went to sleep. Also by your daughter staying with the baby until they fall asleep is making her life much harder.
You son needs to be able to visit his mum whenever he likes but maybe just ask him to be a bit quieter due to the baby.

Exactly, @Permanentlytired2621.

It is really sad to see that even in this day and age, autism is still not understood. A lot of these comments are vile, even from some posters who claim to have autistic children. Thankfully OP seems like a neuro-affirming mother who understands her son and enjoys being around him.

Why is your daughter spending ages settling him? Get a good bedtime routine and get him in bed. Story/Nightlight on/rain sounds - goodnight.

I’m sorry but even in my own home with children we didn’t have a quiet time like that.

We just had a standard no shouting at any time house. If the son is just a loud talker he is a loud talker.

Sounds like he’s waking the baby up deliberately to me. “The baby isn’t my problem”. How selfish - autistic people can absolutely learn to be considerate.