Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

maybe he could reduce his visits to a few times a week so the baby can get full sleep on some nights.

OP says: He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him.

Baby gets full sleep without DS visiting for 5-6 nights a week. The DD's suffering has been blown somewhat out of proportion by many of the responses on here.

But its not that he doesn't think its a problem. He can presumably hear its a problem.. its that, as OP says, he doesn't think its his responsibility.

So as he's expressed it, a problem is happening, but its not his responsibility to help fix it, so he will continue to speak at the volume he wants to speak at. ie.. its not that he can't try to moderate his volume , he just doesn't want to.

That is selfish. He doesn't live there, he visits and disrupts a 1 year old every time he does. His DM has asked him to keep it down, his DS has asked him to keep it down, but its not his responsibility so he won't attempt to.

It's your house and, therefore, your rules. I assume you have given your daughter a home temporarily and to be honest, she should just be very grateful for somewhere to go and not go demanding how you deal with other family members in your own home.
You can ask your son to be more mindful but I realise this may not have an impact and your daughter can either put up with it or leave.

Your house, your rules.

Oh fgs, she clearly said in the OP that it's purely because her son is extremely loud, where does she say she's expecting no noise at all or for everyone to be tip toeing around the house?

I don't think I've ever been so surprised at a poll on here. Honestly this is wild. Of course you're being unreasonable. You're excusing his selfish behaviour, why is it not quite as simple as asking him to use his indoor voice? Presumably he has to moderate himself at work?

Because it seems pretty clear that he CAN control himself and moderate his volume- the wording's a giveaway; "...he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up". Doesn't that bother you? It's your baby grandson being impacted, and your poor daughter. It sounds like they're having a hard time as it is, so I agree with PP- stop playing favourites and ask your son to moderate his volume and try being more considerate to his infant nephew.

Obviously every case of autism is different, but your son must be high functioning if he can just come and go after work - chances are he would respond to rules being put in place very well. The rule would be he enters the house quietly, and whispers until he gets out of the hallway.

He should not be told not to come. That's mean. The world cannot change just because of a baby. He shouldn't be pushed out.

I think this is a really hard one tbh.

I think people are missing that your son is autistic- this is the only reason I’m not saying an outright YABU as I can see how it might be harder for him to keep it down.

That said, it’s soul destroying to be upstairs for hours every night with a little one, and for them to be woken by adults when you’ve just got them down just makes a person want to despair. So I don’t think entirely YANBU either as your poor DD will be exhausted, and your son’s visits are a want not a need.

There seem to be a few options:

1. your son understands that he really had to keep it down in all respects- door opening, toilet going, laughing, or the visits stop.
2. Your son comes after 9 so the child should be in a deep sleep and less likely to be woken (in combination with 1)
3. your son comes at weekends like your dd asks
4. you go to visit your son instead

It’s not an option for him to not really be bothered if he’s waking the baby or think it’s not his responsibility.

I don't think you are unreasonable and that you should be able to have him - and others - come round whenever you wish, and that you should be able to make noise in your own home. Her child will get used tonit - just as they have tonget used to sounds coming in from outside especially now its summer (eg neighbours using their garden).

In which case (if he’s unaware of becoming louder), a gentle reminder “sshh keep
your voice quiet because of the baby” shouldn’t be an issue.

I would ask my autistic/adhd son to try and remember to be quiet around a sleeping baby, and he's 9

I understand you enjoy seeing your son but it feels like he's being made more important than everyone else in this scenario including you and everyone has to adjust for his convenience. Can he not make an effort to stop by during the day even if that means it'll be the weekend? Does he never want to see his nephew, or his sister when she's not frazzled? If he does come on his current schedule, could you chat outside, at least for now when nights are warm/hot? Could he use the loo before he comes? Your daughter won't live with you forever, and your grandson won't be a baby for long. Your son can make a little extra effort/take a little extra care right now for the sake of the family, even if that's harder for him than it might be for a neurotypical person.

“Have you genuinely never met people with SEN who talk loudly and never manage to moderate it no matter how many times you might ask them?”

The op suggests that it’s not because he can’t be quiet but that he doesn’t want to: “he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up” and that’s a big difference.

Yep, it just reads like "I don't have to get the baby back to sleep so I don't care if I wake him up" awful attitude

WTF If she doesn't like it she can move. Fancy dictating to someone who they can have in their own house

Where does he work where he can be as loud as he wants and not follow instructions?

I was totally on your daughter's side and kind of still am. But I have a son, I'm sure he's autistic too, who is naturally loud and no amount of trying to tell him to tone it down over the years works. Very heavy footed and a naturally loud talker. It's a tricky one but ultimately, a baby's needs come first. Even though he's not doing it on purpose, it's cruel to wake a baby, especially when it's not long after they've been settled to sleep. But I know how nice it is to have the older kids choose to visit and make you part of their day... But I'm definitely more drawn towards the baby needs to be priority.
Is there anyway he can be there through the day so the baby can get used to his sounds? Or maybe the baby isn't fully ready to sleep that early which is why it takes a while to settle them? Could dd maybe try doing it a little later and see how that goes?
I think it might take some gentle experimenting of trying to compromise to find something that works for everyone.

Can't your daughter put the child down earlier so he's asleep by the time your son comes round?

WTF the daughter is clearly in a difficult situation made even worse by this selfish man child

Right? That poster must have forgotten that this "someone" is the OPs daughter and it's her own grandchild who's sleep is being disrupted.

Tough. Ever heard the saying beggars can't be choosers

However he's expressed it, he clearly doesn't think it's really that much of a problem or that it's his responsibility because he isn't grasping the thing that you and I might take for granted. We can presume and ask and declare it selfish etc. but he thinks differently and that fits with the inability to empathise on some level. 'He doesn't want to' might as well be 'He can't' or else he would be doing. Unless you expect him to become someone else who he isn't, when he's less likely to change than most men (who aren't famed for their ability to change).

Anyway, it's only 1-2 nights a week, so it perhaps it isn't that big of a deal. He's popping in to see his mum after work and she loves it. Yet he's the villain, while the DD who's landed on her mum 24/7 with a baby is the saint. I guess this is mumsnet, but OP is a mum too and is allowed to have him over if she wants, and having him means having him the way he is and always has been. If DGC goes to bed a bit later one night a week, that's the compromise of moving home.

Christ. Imagine having you as a parent 🙄

"There is no such thing as society." 🤑

Even Thatcher added "... there are families", though!

And the OP has allowed her daughter and the baby to move in. Doesn't mean she should be dictated to

i see you weren’t handed out the empathy gene. Sucks for people in your life.

ever heard of respect and consideration? Probs not eh