Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

I know. Horrible

It is though. Drill it into him.

Not has the DD who has been allowed back into her mother's home, bringing a baby to cause disruption and then dictating her brother shouldn't come over

There are some very smug people on here who have no idea what it can be like having a child who really doesn't sleep, no matter what you do. Some can learn to sleep through noise and that's great, but please accept that's not everyone's child.

This is the bit that stands out for me, as for many others apparently: However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up.

He's autistic and that certainly can make it harder to understand and regulate his volume control but it doesn't actually sound like that's the problem here. Maybe a bit of both.

I was in a similar position to your daughter once. Young and in my first job which involved night shifts and therefore sleeping during the day. I was working on moving out but London prices... My father was in the same job and also sometimes had night shifts and had to sleep through the day. It was always made clear to my brother and I that we had to keep quiet when he was sleeping during the day and we did, both out of consideration and fear of the consequences. When I started doing the same job, my younger brother was not expected to keep quiet during the day. He could and did have friends over and playing football loudly right below my bedroom window (there were other places they could have played), he would play loud music, shout etc. I was just told it's his house too. He never once tried any of this on the days my father would be sleeping. Does anyone actually think that's reasonable? It's 30 years ago now and I still remember and resent it - not because I'm petty (well maybe sometimes...) but because it was part of a wider pattern of favouritism. I think there's a good chance the same is true for your daughter.

If she's saying you can't have any visitors in the evening then obviously she's being unreasonable. If she's only asking that someone who you have admitted is loud and doesn't care if it disturbs a baby either keeps the volume down or doesn't visit then that's not really the same thing.

Let's put it another way - it seems your son lives independently although we don't know the details. If it's in a flat or let's say a terraced house with thin walls and his admitted loudness disturbs his neighbours and they complain, would you say they are unreasonable and should learn to live with it, use white noise to drown him out for example, or would you help him learn to be considerate of those around him? Because that could make his life much more difficult. Presumably he does have neighbours where he lives and they certainly won't appreciate someone apparently so loud. If it hasn't been a problem yet then it certainly could be at some point and somehow he will need to adapt to it. I don't think telling neighbours or landlords that he can't help it/doesn't think it's his responsibility is going to wash.

Anyone who has neighbours and has to go out to work early in the morning makes an effort to keep the noise down by not letting doors slam or talking loudly etc. because that's basic consideration for others. Your son is going to have to work on this to avoid potentially getting punched in the face one day by someone who doesn't give a shit about his autism. Do both your kids a favour her by helping him with this.

It also does not mean that the DD has not had a lifetime of being made to compromise because of the sons needs. Maybe she has had enough.

Whatever it is, OP is in a rubbish situation, but as DS is the adult here, he is the one who has to compromise his behaviour a little.

My kids have all grown into responsible adults so I've hardly done that bad a job

Well then don't move into her mother's if that's the case

I say this as an autistic woman, mother of an autistic child and sister if an autistic brother.

It is literally as simple as asking him to keep the noise down.

Autism might make it harder to track your volume, but it doesn't stop you caring about the impact on your family.

Just buy a white noise machine, your daughter may end up with really noisy neighbours so baby need to learn to sleep through noise.

Dont be ridiculous. We dont know the circumstances but plenty of people have to move in with family after a difficult situation and literally have no other options.

Hope your children never get into a situation where they’re forced back home with you. Lost your partner and can’t afford bills or mortgage? @Thechaseison71 will tell you to stop whinging and suck it up

Well they wouldn't be able to as I don't have the room so that's not an option

Sorry that you experienced this from your brother and your needs were not acknowledged or supported by your parents.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and abusive men keep women awake to punish an torment.

Its really sad here that these basic needs of a single mother doing the best for her baby is being dismissed by her own mother.

Probs for the best then.

And what the hell do you think people who don't have family do when the shit hits the fan. They can't go running to mummy

That's by the by but if you are fortunate enough to have someone house you then you don't dictate to them

Exactly my thought. 5 people in my second bedroom would be impossible

If you dont have people who can help you, that is tragic for you. A lot of those people end up homeless. Are you suggesting that should have happened here? You are being really nasty about this poor woman.

While I feel for your DD, I think she is being very entitled. She is there temporarily and is dictating what everyone else in the house is doing. I get her frustration with DS but suggesting he doesn't visit for fear of disturbing her child is very wrong. It seems the implication is that you also are not allowed have friends visit or play music or laugh in your own home? Is that really how you are all living your lives right now, tiptoeing and whispering all evening from 7pm? If so that is ridiculous. The baby needs to adapt and that's no simple matter but the issue lies with the child's noise sensitivity. Dd needs to find strategies that work. If she lived anywhere else she might have neighbours slamming car doors or noisy birds or delivery trucks. She can't silence the world for her child

No I'm not suggesting it. I'm saying she's been fortunate enough to be taken in and obviously disrupted her mother's household ( impossible not to with a baby) but dictating to her on top is taking the piss

The son refusing to be quiet because the baby isn't his responsibility is taking the piss, so selfish and mean spirited.

While I think they should all sit down to have a discussion and try to resolve the issue, I do agree that many are posting as if this happens every night instead of maybe once or twice a week.

Obviously, no one wants a bad sleeper woken, and OP can work with her DS to regulate his volume with reminders and prompts, but the DS isn’t there 5 or 6 nights a week.

I think the white noise machine is a great idea. The DD could be in a flat next with noisy neighbours every night, so it might help for the future too.

Hope you’re ok OP. This thread hasn’t brought out the kindest responses in many.

Is it out of order to point out that anecdotally, when parents get older and need support from kids, it is almost universally the daughter who steps up? Not the sons and probably even less likely in the case of an autistic son. This isn't a value judgement, there are often many reasons why this is the case but it is nonetheless what happens in the vast majority of cases. Parents with a history of favouritising sons over daughters might do well to remember that sometimes we reap what we sow.

I realise this may not be a helpful comment because the thread wasn't originally about favouritism, and my view that it is probably at the heart of this issue is obviously coloured by my own experience, but I see it a lot at work too and so am hyperaware of it.

The son is taking the piss more. DD is not reasonable but is frustrated about her very young child. DS is just a selfish knob

It's your hous and you want your DD to feel welcome when he pops in to see you. Don't put a limit in his visits. You must have a great relationship with him if he pops in to see you often. Your DD and her DC will just have to accept the hospitality you have offered her and not try to dictate her brother's visits. The grandchild will get used to his uncle.

I think your son needs to make an effort to be quieter if it's after his nephews bedtime, but also your daughter could make an effort to get the child used to background noise.

If he got used to sleeping with the radio on maybe it would make the other household noise less noticeable