DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

The ‘reasoning’ this poster has is that fathers must be hated at all costs, even those who hand over an entire house, pay 5 times the CMS, do 5 times the parenting and make excellent selfless decisions for their family.

And we must also hate all step mothers, especially those who do 5 times the parenting of the actual lazy, useless mother, pay far more for their step children than their actual mother, and definitely those who try to better themselves and their family by working hard and caring for her step children like they are her own.

We must hate them all!!! But glorify and protect terrible, lazy mothers purely because she gave birth to the children she now doesn’t lift a finger to care for.

I’m honestly shocked at some of these comments defending the mother.. £1500 in cm is unheard of!
She doesn’t realise how good she’s had it clearly. I would also say your other half has been a little foolish paying that much, or anywhere near that considering you seem to have the kids more than she does.
I also think people are missing the point here..you can now support your family with your job, it’s not like he’s quitting his job to claim benefits!
If I’m right, you’re feeding the kids everyday too, so what exactly is the mother contributing?
But either way, no you don’t have to pay & I wouldn’t be giving her a penny going forward considering she has the kids less than you!
Based on that theory, she should be paying you 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, don’t offer £500. That’s also ridiculous 😫

And really, only women should do childcare - and if they get a job it should be termtime only for 'pin money'

However, if their husband then divorces them, they should have kept up their career to protect their pension.

This.

Hello Dad! 😃

No, not ‘this’… this father has worked a hard manual job for 30years, his body, especially his back has taken its toll. He did this so he could support the mother of his children, gave her a house, paid a ridiculous amount of CMS for years and years, while doing the vast majority of the parenting, with his wife.

These children are now teenagers and he has a wife and 3 small children. He has the opportunity to stay home with these children, and spend more time with his older children who will soon be leaving home, allowing his wife to further her career and demonstrate to his older children that men can be SAHPs and that women in business should be championed and supported.

This is by no means a lazy man, his wife has done more than her fair share. The mother of his children however, who has never had a job ever is a feckless, lazy piece of work and needs to be cut off completely.

The views on this thread are actually sickening. I’m by no means a massive advocate or outspoken male supporter, but Christ almighty, this man and his wife can’t do right.

Hope your conversation went well, OP.

💐

Honestly I think DH should be applauded for a sensible decision to step out of this tough job and spend time fathering his children. You sound like a really committed family and very engaged with all of the DC. It's really super
I think you should seriously consider offering to the SC that now that DH is home that they can stay whenever they want. But I would advise against trying to link the CMS thing to that.
I'd just advise DH to tell his ex that she's had a year's notice and go via CMS and get it all arranged that way regardless of the nights.

OP, I just don't understand why you're giving the mother £500 a month. You could put it into savings for the children.

You’re getting a bit of a bashing on this thread OP, I think perhaps people haven’t read all your replies.
In your shoes I would ask the kids if they want to stay with you full time, rather than being dropping back for bed times, at their ages their wishes count.
Assuming they wish to live with you full time then you will pay nothing to their Mother. She can count her lucky stars she has a mortgage free house and then her or her partner can GET A JOB to maintain her/their lifestyle like everyone else has to.

If the children wish to continue as is ( which sounds totally bonkers to me because you do everything pretty much) then because you have offered £500 a month I would keep to that offer, despite not having to. It’s only going to be for a few more years anyway given the children’s ages.
If their Mother kicks off then go through the proper channels and she will end up with nothing…
I think instead of saying your husband is retiring, you need to be clear in your posts he is becoming a stay at home Dad to support you in your business, be present for his children and maintain the level of involvement with all their lives.
Many women stay at home to look after children, household and everything that goes along with it and no one bats an eyelid.
My BIL is a stay at home parent, my Sister works full time, their child starts school September. My BIL didn’t earn as much as my sister so they made the decision when baby was born that he would stay at home once her maternity leave was over.

@HermioneWeasleyshe needs to get a bloody job then

I think a parent who works for 12 years is worth their weight in gold against one who has never worked.

I would say that about anyone. No one has kids before they have the chance to work

She has no mortage. Doesn't like seeing her children in the evening. Doesn't contribute fiscally.

It sounds to me she's getting the benefit of an equivalent £50k salary (AVG mortgage £1500/month that she doesn't pay) to spend evenings with her partner.

Average cost to raise a child is £160k. He has 2 kids and has paid for them in their entirety via his generous CMS. She hasn't paid a penny. Imagine having 2 kids and never earning a penny towards them in spite of having 9am onwards to work! Oh but she can't because she wants her evenings. Give me a break

We talked through the new routine, and the kids were laughing and saying “ so nothing would change then “They wanted to tell their mum straight away, but we agreed their dad should speak to her first.

He called to suggest a flexible arrangement — the children can stay here and visit her whenever she’s free. He didn’t mention money, but she brought it up immediately. He asked to leave finances aside for a few months while everyone settles in (which seems fair)

She reacted angrily, insulted me, accused me of flaunting my tits to get what I want and accused us of acting out of spite, and said the other children aren’t “real siblings”. The call ended with her threatening court.

Please do not give this woman another penny. And please let her try to take you to court (and update us when she’s laughed out of there).

Oh and get the child benefit payment from her too.

@donewiththistakemeaway

Well, she's made her position clear. I say let her take him to court. And he can counter-sue for full custody/residency.

Next stop; a solicitor's office to get the whats, hows, and whys. Forewarned is forearmed.

You sound so patient OP. Your DH's ex sounds lazy and entitled. She has been getting a generous CMS payment for many years, without doing the majority of the parenting. It sounds like his DC are happy with you and you look after them generously. There is no reason why she can't work, even just part time. She doesn't have any rent or mortgage to pay thanks to your DH, has teenage kids that will be predominantly with you. It is just laziness for her not to.

I think it might be better to explain that your DH is finishing work to be a SAHP to 3 under 5. I think (or would like to think!) most of those criticising have probably missed that part, as his DC are older so require less day to day care (aside from the clubs etc that you are putting lots of effort into). But parenting your younger 3 is a massive job, many women are SAHM with minimal criticism when there is another parent who has enough income for the household. Your situation is no different, just genders reversed. His role as the SAHP shouldn't be diminished, it is just the best thing for your family now, with your business taking off and to allow you chance to concentrate on your career for a while. After he has focussed on his for 30 years. (even if you still have some other paid for childcare, he is still looking after the needs of 5 kids, no-one can say that isn't work!)

Best of luck, I hope she gets the appropriate information if she decides to try the legal route to stop it at the start and not cause you further headaches.

The ex should be paying you both.

I think you and DH have done more than your fair share. He has been generous with his payments to her as she only has them 10 days a month and you do majority of child care.
Dont pay her a penny. Let her get a job of her partner .

Don’t discuss it with her anymore
stop giving baby money
stop engaging with her
let her try to take you to court ( she can’t as need is no legal ground to do so )

She has no grounds to take you to court, she’s just used to saying scary things to get what she wants. Her behaviour will get more unhinged as it becomes clear she isn’t going to continue to get it; I know from experience.

Block her, stop the money as PP said. If the DC really want to live with you, they are old enough to chose, you can see a lawyer to get this rolling

It was sarcasm 🙄

Wow, this woman is vile and has totally bitten the hand that’s literally been feeding her and her children.

You say she’s been given a years notice that the CMS will be stopping, when is this year up? Please tell me you will be rescinding your offer of £500 and not giving her a penny?

£220k he has given the mother of his children. That's on top of clothing and feeding them more of the time than she does.

He has done more than most dads would ever do. My DH has certainly not spend that kind of money on bringing up our two

I think you’re forgetting to factor in the house that he gave her aswell! She’s had this man for at least half a million…