DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

The ‘reasoning’ this poster has is that fathers must be hated at all costs, even those who hand over an entire house, pay 5 times the CMS, do 5 times the parenting and make excellent selfless decisions for their family.

And we must also hate all step mothers, especially those who do 5 times the parenting of the actual lazy, useless mother, pay far more for their step children than their actual mother, and definitely those who try to better themselves and their family by working hard and caring for her step children like they are her own.

We must hate them all!!! But glorify and protect terrible, lazy mothers purely because she gave birth to the children she now doesn’t lift a finger to care for.

I’m honestly shocked at some of these comments defending the mother.. £1500 in cm is unheard of!
She doesn’t realise how good she’s had it clearly. I would also say your other half has been a little foolish paying that much, or anywhere near that considering you seem to have the kids more than she does.
I also think people are missing the point here..you can now support your family with your job, it’s not like he’s quitting his job to claim benefits!
If I’m right, you’re feeding the kids everyday too, so what exactly is the mother contributing?
But either way, no you don’t have to pay & I wouldn’t be giving her a penny going forward considering she has the kids less than you!
Based on that theory, she should be paying you 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, don’t offer £500. That’s also ridiculous 😫

And really, only women should do childcare - and if they get a job it should be termtime only for 'pin money'

However, if their husband then divorces them, they should have kept up their career to protect their pension.

This.

Hello Dad! 😃

No, not ‘this’… this father has worked a hard manual job for 30years, his body, especially his back has taken its toll. He did this so he could support the mother of his children, gave her a house, paid a ridiculous amount of CMS for years and years, while doing the vast majority of the parenting, with his wife.

These children are now teenagers and he has a wife and 3 small children. He has the opportunity to stay home with these children, and spend more time with his older children who will soon be leaving home, allowing his wife to further her career and demonstrate to his older children that men can be SAHPs and that women in business should be championed and supported.

This is by no means a lazy man, his wife has done more than her fair share. The mother of his children however, who has never had a job ever is a feckless, lazy piece of work and needs to be cut off completely.

The views on this thread are actually sickening. I’m by no means a massive advocate or outspoken male supporter, but Christ almighty, this man and his wife can’t do right.

Hope your conversation went well, OP.

💐

Honestly I think DH should be applauded for a sensible decision to step out of this tough job and spend time fathering his children. You sound like a really committed family and very engaged with all of the DC. It's really super
I think you should seriously consider offering to the SC that now that DH is home that they can stay whenever they want. But I would advise against trying to link the CMS thing to that.
I'd just advise DH to tell his ex that she's had a year's notice and go via CMS and get it all arranged that way regardless of the nights.

OP, I just don't understand why you're giving the mother £500 a month. You could put it into savings for the children.

You’re getting a bit of a bashing on this thread OP, I think perhaps people haven’t read all your replies.
In your shoes I would ask the kids if they want to stay with you full time, rather than being dropping back for bed times, at their ages their wishes count.
Assuming they wish to live with you full time then you will pay nothing to their Mother. She can count her lucky stars she has a mortgage free house and then her or her partner can GET A JOB to maintain her/their lifestyle like everyone else has to.

If the children wish to continue as is ( which sounds totally bonkers to me because you do everything pretty much) then because you have offered £500 a month I would keep to that offer, despite not having to. It’s only going to be for a few more years anyway given the children’s ages.
If their Mother kicks off then go through the proper channels and she will end up with nothing…
I think instead of saying your husband is retiring, you need to be clear in your posts he is becoming a stay at home Dad to support you in your business, be present for his children and maintain the level of involvement with all their lives.
Many women stay at home to look after children, household and everything that goes along with it and no one bats an eyelid.
My BIL is a stay at home parent, my Sister works full time, their child starts school September. My BIL didn’t earn as much as my sister so they made the decision when baby was born that he would stay at home once her maternity leave was over.

@HermioneWeasleyshe needs to get a bloody job then

I think a parent who works for 12 years is worth their weight in gold against one who has never worked.

I would say that about anyone. No one has kids before they have the chance to work

She has no mortage. Doesn't like seeing her children in the evening. Doesn't contribute fiscally.

It sounds to me she's getting the benefit of an equivalent £50k salary (AVG mortgage £1500/month that she doesn't pay) to spend evenings with her partner.

Average cost to raise a child is £160k. He has 2 kids and has paid for them in their entirety via his generous CMS. She hasn't paid a penny. Imagine having 2 kids and never earning a penny towards them in spite of having 9am onwards to work! Oh but she can't because she wants her evenings. Give me a break