DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

Have you actually read the full thread?🙄

Yep, there are a lot of shitty fathers around who do exactly what you're saying but this is quite clearly not one of them.

It was based on paperwork alone.

DSD lived with us 50/50 for 3 years, now has lived with us full time for a year, so I can confidently say she is not entitled to disability benefits. As an aside, I have a child who does have extra care needs and IS entitled to DLA, so I know very well the requirements.

Her mother’s job title may as well be ‘professional benefit thief’, as that is what her income has been for the past 20+ years.

Is the house solely in her name? Yes or no?
Everything else is rubbish.

I am honestly gobsmacked that 1. He handed her a whole house and 2. He paid her £1,500 a month when she barely has the kids and doesn't provide barely any meals or for any extras.
Tbf to her, she has done rather well and I admire the grit. She's financially done rather well for herself, she got a free house!

Everything else is rubbish?

yes the house is hers. How many times. It is her home. DH GAVE IT TO HER YEARS AGO. He has NO CLAIM ON IT! He can not take it off her. It is in her name. It is HER HOME. Have you answered your question enough times in this post now

@Beamsssdo you struggle with comprehension?
The D.C. are 14/16, their mother and her partner don’t work, never have: rely on OPs DH to fund them. Her kids literally only sleep in her house and all their time is at their dads.
She has no excuse not to work and support her kids, women like this are repellent.

He didn’t hand her the house

its the house his children had only even known

Sounds like a case for mandatory face to face assessments to be honest. I know that medical evidence has to be produced to support the paper claim, but generally medics don’t provide evidence that clarifies care/mobility needs in terms of the assessment criteria, so there’s always room for exaggeration if the claimant isn’t actually seen. The same is true of PIP, but F2F assessments are being phased back in and hopefully will become the norm before long.

Oh absolutely, I think any person claiming disability benefits should be required to have face to face / phone call / online assessments. Paperwork can be faked and exaggerated, I am sure my DPs ex is only one of many making these phoney benefit claims.

Exactly. PP cancelled her step child's benefit, this will affect her PIP entitlement as she won't have the history of DLA payments to refer back to. She will struggle in her adult life but PP obviously couldn't care less as it's only a step child and will be off her hands completely when she's 16-18.

And PP has the audacity to lambast the child's mother 🤦‍♀️

…

She’s not entitled to benefits as she doesn’t have care needs above and beyond others her age. Do you honestly think a teenager who can care for all facets of their personal care, cook and prepare meals, get themselves independently to school on public transport, sees friends and goes to parties at the weekend, should be claiming disability benefits?

We’re instilling an ethic of working hard and having a sense of pride, accepting your differences but finding ways to work with them, not relying on the state.

So the house is NOT hers and she WILL be kicked out.

Not true. NMW full time salary (37.5 hour week) is around £24,00 a year which works out roughly £1700 pcm.

What on earth are you on about I meant he didn’t HAND HER the house for her because it was for her it was because he wanted his children to stay in the family home and obviously being children he couldn’t put them as the owners.

Rescind the £500 offer. You’re not responsible for paying for her.
Of course she’s going to chance her arm and complain. She’s had her lifestyle paid for her for the past 10 years. Time she looks after herself.

not sure why your dh is getting a hard time for retiring to look after the kids. I think it’s great he wants to spend time with the kids. No one would be so up in arms if it was the other way round. As a family unit you’re fully supporting all 5 kids.

Which bit of:
yes the house is hers. How many times. It is her home. DH GAVE IT TO HER YEARS AGO. He has NO CLAIM ON IT! He can not take it off her. It is in her name. It is HER HOME.

do you not understand?

so you have his kids for 20 days a month and she has them for 10 days a month?

As their mother chooses to be lazy I think she's getting a good deal, his biggest mistake was paying her far more than he needed to. Indeed, children are not a luxury, it's a pity that their 'mother' is treating them like ATMs.

So your own child is getting benefits and your step child is not because you stopped her benefits after one year of care?

Some step parents go the extra mile...

BTW my HFA DC can wash, dress and went to school, that absolutely does NOT mean they don't have extra care needs.
Luckily no step parents were ever involved to harm their prospects even more.

They were volutary payments, the court will not have any interest in maintaining her lifestyle unless it impacts severely on the children- you already take them 50% of the time why on earth would he keep up these payments?
It's been a long time since I heard of an exwife getting maintainance for herself if exhubby isn't a billionaire .

He's mirroring the lifestyle choices the ex has lived on for years, he's becoming a SAHP, what's the difference?

I don’t think there’s any need to pay, legally or morally. She has had plenty of notice this is coming, she seems to be basically just a bed and breakfast for them anyway, she’ll just have to get a job. It doesn’t sound like she will struggle for childcare as she doesn’t have the kids during normal work hours anyway, so no reason she can’t get a job like the rest of us have to do 🤷‍♀️ Her personal lifestyle isn’t really any concern of you or your DH’s.

I think the person who lived with the child for half the time for three years, then full time for one year, is better placed to judge whether they have extra care needs warranting benefits than a random on the internet.

Your argument also makes no sense as DLA would be paid to my partner and then PIP directly to my stepchild, which would mean less financial burden on me… so actually in your wicked stepmother narrative I’d be desperate for her to be entitled to benefits as it would absolve me of financial responsibility 😂

But I do think that a parent who optionally stops working without a care for the fact he is meant to be financially supporting his dc is a shitty dad

So the ex has been a shitty mother all their lives then as she's never worked outside the home.

I wonder what her plan was in less than four years when the youngest turns 18?

From your updates, it sounds as if the teenagers will opt to live you full-time so technically your DH will be able to claim maintenance from his ex.

Honestly, she's been really silly, he gave her a year's notice of this change plus the children are not far from adulthood anyway, what did she think she'd live on when they're both 18?