DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

If op and her husband can afford for him to be a stay at home dad while she works on her buisness then fair enough. I don't think his ex being unemployed should have any bearing on that. I think you're both incredibly generous op.

This x 💯.

Please save any money for the DC’s future, don’t pour it into this black hole. She really needs to work out a plan now while she can still start over. I’d have the conversation with dc, figure out what they want in terms of living arrangements then your DH tells her that’s happening and you both grey rock.

I have read the full thread. But these poor kids now have both parents choosing not to work. It seems to me the husband has taken the view “I’ve had enough of my ex taking the piss so what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” but actually there’s kids stuck in the middle of this mess.

It seems sad we’re going to the lowest common denominator when children are involved.

He should start paying only what is required. Which is probably nothing as he doesnt have a job. She has got away with being a cf for years and has got used to a life of leisure paid for by you. Time to call a halt.

Absolutely this. 🙌

Take back the £500 offer OP. You are allowed to change your mind you know - especially as she is being so unreasonable. Just say you’ve decided to give the money directly to the children as they are getting older - and put it in savings for them!

Sorry it really is off topic but I've not only witnessed lies but also successfully appealed them. Eg my DC cannot speak much due to autism and couldn't tell anything to the assessor yet that person blatantly lied that they communicated well, just to award zero points on the communication needs for an autistic person! The very core of the clinical diagnosis for ASD is social and communication impairment, you cannot get a diagnosis otherwise and PP's stepdaughter has it too, otherwise she would not have been diagnosed in the first place. There is not a single autistic person without communication issues and support needs.

It's not even enough now to be present to witness the assessment as they will lie anyway 🤷‍♀️ I now record everything as the lies are never ending. There are tons of stories of outrageous lies on the F2F reports on disability threads, I don't know how you've missed other people's accounts. The PP's stepdaughter will have to deal with all this by herself.

Sorry I won't continue this off topic as I obviously don't know anything about disability benefits as you said previously :)

You don’t have to pay anything and you’ve given adequate notice.

And now what happens to those kids?

Poor kids, 2 parents and both workshy, what a wonderful example to set. At least you'll be content with no CM if DH leaves you though 👍.

Ermmmm… the father and step mother who have looked after them for all these years, will continue to look after them in exactly the same way as they always have? In fact, their lovely father will have even more time to dedicate to their care, their clubs, their general wellbeing.

Seriously, what are you not understanding???

Seconded

Why on earth did your ex pay her 1.5k a month when he already signed the house over and she only provides breakfast for the kids. He must be crazy. I would retract the £500 offer, she’s had enough money over the years, which she no doubt has wasted if she’s on benefits as can’t having much savings. Don’t pay her a penny.

Thirded

Very well put! So many posts totally miss the point. This has been a dad that has contributed to his DC’s welfare, both financially and in terms of time spent with them far more than so many of the parents we hear about. Probably why the DC want to move in with their dad. He’s a better role model.

I can’t understand any woman in reasonable health not getting off her backside and finding a job, especially once her DC are at school.

How to demonstrate you haven't understood a word OP has written. 🙄

I would not pay her a penny OP. She has had a very easy ride for a very long time.

As a side note (and risk of showing my slaternly mothering style off...)by the time my DC were 14, even younger so once in secondary school, I did not "do breakfast" or school runs. They were perfectly able to do both themselves and we had been working towards that in later years of primary. On occasion they even left the house before I emerged from bed.....

She sounds like a freeloading chancer op.

I would not give her a penny. She can get a job.

OP, all 5 of your children are very blessed to have you.

Was in a similar situation years ago OP.
DSS came to live full time with me when he was 6 but prior had him every night from school Mon-Thurs for dinner, every Fri evening from school till drop off Monday morning, she put him to bed Monday-Thursday, we had him every school holiday even inset days, DH was paying her £600 pm ( 20 years ago).
He paid up until DSS was 8 when I lost my shit, we had to get a solicitor in the end because she was claiming all sorts of benefits, child benefit etc and telling the DWP he was still living there etc.
We never received the CB she kept that and the last we ever heard from her was when DSS left school and CB stopped... she wanted us to pay her that, she also wanted DSS to sign paperwork to say he was living with her as she was being evicted and housing were only offering a 1 bed and she wanted a 2!
She did get a solicitor to send emails going after my wages, these were ignored!
I would give her a period of 6 months of £500 OP and then stop, she's perfectly capable of supporting herself.
TF he's grown now and we don't have to deal with the lazy cow and she can't hurt DSS anymore or use him.

But 'these poor kids' will still continue to be fully supported by their father's household? It's just the way that the father and OP have decided is best for themselves and ALL of the children. Father will be more available to parent all of his children, whilst OP develops her business more.
The 'poor children' will still be accommodated, fed and clothed, washing done and clubs paid for by their father and stepmother.
I really don't understand your reasoning....

@donewiththistakemeaway im really sorry.
So many posyers who didn’t even read your OP carefully.

It’s very clear your dh has never said he just wanted to stop CM.
It’s also clear that his aim is to cincentrate on the dcs and have them as often as he can. More than he already has, which is close to 50/50. And yes at 50/50, he doesn’t have to lay her anything. If he was to have them more, the mum should actually lay CM to him though…..

In answer to your question as to whether she could go after your money, the answer is No.
And I would happily approach that as a reorganisation of the current visitation plan, going first 50/50 or even EOW for her as this what the dcs want (I imagine some of them, if not all, are teens now?)
The money and CM is a consequence of that. Not the other way around.

How your dh is planning to fund that is his (and yours) problem. Whether he stops working isnt part of the discussion on who is the RP.

I would give her a period of 6 months of £500 OP and then stop, she's perfectly capable of supporting herself.

There is no way I would pay £500 for 6 months.