DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

Just because she doesn’t work doesn’t make it ok for him not to pay anything towards his kids either. The kids don’t stop costing money because he doesn’t want to work.

Think you need to get a job as you're far too invested in when OP said what 😂

But him and the OP are the ones paying most of the childrens expenses, have you even read the OP's posts? By the sounds of it, it's the mother who should be paying maintenance to the father here.

I'm self employed so flexible with my time, but thank you all the same.

“ DH paid off the mortgage of the house she lives in when they were together from inheritance from his family “

You literally reposted this! but cause it doesn’t say deeds it wasn’t clear enough for you.

That’s extremely unfair. @Preeeeee clarified that she has another child whose needs do meet DLA criteria, so she’s well aware of the thresholds and can see where the disparity in the care needs of both children are. I do think it will complicate things if a future claim for PIP needs to be made, but there is far more likelihood that a PIP claim will result in a face to face or at least a telephone assessment rather than the paper claim alone, which is what DSD’s DLA claim was decided on. That being the case, the validity of the claim can be directly determined by the medical professional charged with the assessment.

Even though medical evidence has to be supplied to support the claim, that evidence rarely if ever directly addresses the assessment criteria for benefit, so if there is no actual F2F assessment it does leave room for the claiming parent to exaggerate.

She could get a job though. Im baffled. She pays nothing for the kids everything is paid for by DH, trips, food clothes washing, house, everything. She doesn’t even feed them, only breakfast. Surely she can fund that bring as they are with us every day even if she uses the child benefit.

well that's the solution surely. you'll save a fortune in petrol and time and everyone will be happier

I think the fact that over the years he has paid five times the ordered amount of CMS counts for something. Plus the fact that in terms of what DH and OP have provided so far in terms of support and care for the children, it’s clearly much more than 50/50 and just short of full time custody, so really the ex has milked it for all it’s worth. Plus the fact that he has offered to formally take on either 50/50 or full custody and ex has refused. I think we all know where her priorities lie, and it’s clearly not with her children.

I won’t be replying to that poster again, they’ve already demonstrated that they have no clue how DLA / PIP works by stating having autism automatically entitles you to benefits.

Many posters including this one haven't bothered to read the full thread. Pay no attention to them, there are plenty of people here supporting you in your decision.

As a side note, you sound like an incredibly caring and supportive stepmum and they are lucky to have you.

There is nothing unfair in saying PP did her step child a disservice, it's just stating the facts. It will certainly complicate PIP and the assessors routinely lie at F2F PIP assessments to fob people off. I know it by experience and witnessed it many times. There is nothing about validity in it, just budget cost cutting.

It's off topic anyway. I'm just baffled at what people do and consider... the done thing?

Unfortunately that’s the nature of MN. I know this thread doesn’t directly address disability but you see it all the time on those dealing with benefits - those paid to disabled people in particular. Many posters come from a position of complete ignorance of what these benefits are meant to support, and even an inkling of what disability actually means, because they have no experience of either. Yet they still feel qualified to comment.

I’ve been a disability outreach worker for many years and have supported many claimants with reconsiderations and at tribunal. I have never yet seen a report on which an assessor has lied. What I do see is their medical opinion, based on what they have observed during the assessment and the claimant described by the parameters set by the assessment itself. Not all claimants fit neatly into specific categories and it’s a fact that many claimants look at the report and simply don’t see themselves in the same terms as the assessor. Some say they don’t recognise themselves in what is written. It doesn’t mean the assessor is lying. I’m not saying the system is perfect - far from it. I’ve seen many flawed reports and many inaccuracies. But never an out and out lie.

Thank you for actually reading and being helpful. Just going to sit down for dinner and have a conversation all of us and just see where we are all at

Good luck OP, I hope you can arrive at a solution that works for everyone - including you. You and your DH sound incredibly committed to the welfare of all your children. Let us know how you get on.

Bit late to thread but it sounds like you and your DH already do everything bar a few breakfasts for the older 2 kids anyway. I would think the best decision all around is to ask the teens what custody arrangement they would like... they are old enough.

Maybe the mother would be happy enough with less overnights?

Your husband not working is best for yiur family right now, with very young kids. Presumably in a few years when all at school he could get a PT job or perhaps work PT for you if he wanted?

Just make sure that he isn't linked to your business in anyway right now (so not a shareholder / director etc) so she can't come after that.

What about the DC’s mum, who has never worked, is she also a shitty mum for not financially supporting them/herself? Or is that a standard reserved for dads?

???? Of course it's not clear. Someone can live in someone else's house but have absolutely no right to it if they're not on the deeds 🤷‍♀️ Is that news that women often get thrown out of the property they considered "their home"? 🤔

You keep twisting it so you clearly know what you're doing.

Hope it goes well ❤

I feel bad for the kids. From what you say they spend the majority of their time with you and mom sees them as a cash grab

Quite. It seems the done thing in your world is claiming disability benefits to which you are not entitled… which is baffling and illegal.

Jesus Christ, this was the most frustrating thread to read. How the hell are so many posters unable to read, or just so unbelievably anti-father that they can’t understand:

This man has already given her an entire house, completely in her name, that she has not contributed to.

He has paid her £1500 a month for 2 children, when she doesn’t even pay for their food, clubs, uniforms.

This woman does not parent her children in any way, shape or form, bar dropping them to school and providing breakfast, despite never, ever having a job.

He has given her plenty of notice that he was taking early retirement.

He has worked 30years, his body has taken the toll and he is not going to be sitting on his arse, he has 3 very small children to look after as well.

OP, rescind your offer of £500 a month completely. You sound lovely, but what were you thinking??? This woman does not deserve a penny, particularly as she is just nasty, lazy piece of work. Let her get a job, she doesn’t have rent or a mortgage to pay and she also has a partner. Why the hell should your household continue to subsidise her???

Please, just rescind the offer and cut her off completely.

and if you do, unwisely, send her any money remember to halve it in 2 years (when the 16 yo becomes 18) and stop everything another 2 years later (when the 14 yo is 18).

Good grief! Have you not read and understood all the OP’s posts?