DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

What surprises me is how many people think it's wrong for OP's husband to be a SAHP when his wife is working, yet it's fine for a mum not to work. If a couple decide that one will stay at home (when they're not claiming benefits) how is that anyone else's business? OP, I would check your main question out with a solicitor.

Wow, such a passion :) It's the first time you actually said the house is in her name and he has no claim on it. Saying "it's her home" means nothing and I'm actually surprised you avoided a direct answer about the deeds for the whole thread.

She cannot claim any payments from you, don't worry :)

Your husband has been a mug all these years. To give her the house? To give &1500 a month all while doing everything else, I cannot believe he’s done that. what a fool

Assessors routinely lie in the reports, I witnessed it myself.

They could have stayed in the home without him signing her over a whole house. It could have stayed in his name, heck, he could have put it in yours!
They could have all still lived there. He could have used it as extra income for you all now, as a little buffer since he has given up work, which i totally get btw, my husband also does a physical job.
I mean if the kids end up living with you then he has just handed her a house for nothing hasn't he? The teens won't be living there.

a few posters really haven't understood well or read anything I’ve said and have just made things up.

@donewiththistakemeaway This seems to be the norm on mumsnet at the moment so don't worry, you have been perfectly clear in your posts.

I assume because his ex knows that only overnights count when it comes to CMS. So she's having them back very late in the evening just so they are classed as overnight at hers and the CMS is calculated that way, even though the OP and their dad are doing the huge bulk of the childcare.

The entitlement of this woman, but she knows what she's doing clearly.

She has said several times it is 100% the ex's. She wrote it before this nasty little jab "So the house is NOT hers and she WILL be kicked out." from you. Just because she didn't specify "deeds" to your satisfaction.

Your obvious dislike of step mums has impacted your comprehension skills repeatedly on this thread.

OP had already answered this.

Not sure what you're on about with the 'everything else is rubbish'

There seem to be a lot of people here who haven’t read @donewiththistakemeaway posts and don’t seem to understand what has happened. I don’t know why OP as it’s not very difficult to understand.

I say GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR DH.
You have both been fantastic parents to his two kids.
Working in a physically demanding job takes its toll on the body. My friends husband (tiler & joiner for 35 yrs) is crippled at 54 yrs old. Back and knees utterly fucked, lives on tramadol & diazapan. Tough bloke and I’ve caught him crying in pain. So, your DH has made a very sensible choice.
He is being supportive and helping you now with your career and business -plus the children Youhave with him will benefit massively from having a great time with Dad now.
His 14&16 yr old will probably come and live with you from what you have said and it sounds like a busy house full of kids and love. How utterly wonderful.
You are both setting a fabulous example to them. Be proud of yourselves.

And the ex?
Well - frankly- fuck her. She’s had more than enough (£18k PA for nearly 10 yrs for 5 nights a month!!) out of you both. She a get a job or live on benefits but living off ypu is not an option anymore. If the kids go 50/50 or f/t with you do not give the grasping bugger a penny. £500 a month is £6k a year. Four years - that pays for a child to go to uni, or driving lessons + a car for the eldest two, or a family holiday while they still want to holiday with you……let her stand on her own two feet. Your .DH has done too much for her-now it’s time to stop.

Hope it goes well tonight when you chat with the 14&16 yr olds. They are incredibly lucky to have you - and don’t you forget that.

"You're not responsible, but it's a shitty thing for a father to do. Just stop working with no plan to support his DC? Not a man I'd want to be married to."

Yet the mum has not worked all those years: what was her plan ?

OP get 50:50 for your dh's kids and draw on that £500 you were thinking of paying the mum.

She must have a plan to provide for her own kids; trying to blackmail/ threaten you for it is a really shitty thing to do.

Nope she can get a job. Don't pay. Give her the bare minimum.

There are too many fucking idiots on this thread. Some apparently can't read, others have chosen not to and instead just use their own experiences to colour the narrative.

While I can reserve judgement on the basis that anyone can lie, it makes sense to assume that at least the majority of what's being posted by the OP is true because otherwise why bother to read it, or anything else on here? Yep, maybe the ex would give a different story but also some people are just fucking awful and it's equally as likely to be women as men. Not all men are horrible husbands and fathers and not all mothers are angels and vice versa.

I said in the post at 10:56 and again at my post at 11:30 and again at 11:51 post. Post at 12:26 isn’t blatantly saying on that one that the house is hers but suggest that kicking her out wasn’t an option as he wouldn’t do that. Again a post at 15:35 and again at 15:57 post. So think I have said multiple times the house is hers but you wanted me to say the exact WORD DEEDS. Christ that’s controlling. Please by all means be helpful to the thread otherwise don’t bother

You don't have to pay. Ditto her DH shouldn't be expected to pay. The responsibility comes down to your DH and his ex. The children are theirs, not yours or her husbands.

PIP is only paid from 16 and I don't remember how DLA affects other benefits etc, and frankly I'm not interested in your financial circumstances.

You did your DSD a disservice because you don't care how it affects her prospects in young adult life, that's all. I wasn't even thinking about whether you wanted her money or didn't want it, it's irrelevant.

The fact that you are saying that if an autistic person can wash, dress and go to school then they have no care needs is ignorant at best, but of course you know better.

It's a digression from the main topic anyway.

He should have put it in trust for the children. But it’s done now.

I have said repeatedly: she doesn’t have care needs above other children her own age. That is the requirement for DLA. For mid-rate DLA, you need to require frequent assistance throughout the day (and/or night), which she doesn’t need.

I am not sure why you are deliberately ignoring these facts, given you don’t even know my DSD or the circumstances surrounding our family situation.

Right yeah I see your point but if the children live with us and they don’t stay with her anymore after all these years of hell from her I couldn’t care less for her having the house. The house is worth money but it’s not got happy memories for the kids but they have happy memories in this home and if she doesn’t leave it to them then that’s on her. Our home here will be split equally inheritance wise between all 5 children as will my business should it still be running. Money is nice but it won’t change the fact that the kids are happier here and it’s the ex who will have to live with that. So yes she gets the house but we get the kids because it’s what they want

I know in hindsight but at the time things were amicable etc so he just thought makes sense for her to stay in the home and the kids get to stay in the family home. I don’t think he thought past that

Both parents should support their dc, of course. But, the fact is that the dc are financially dependant on their df, that that has been the situation for some time, and he's unilaterally deciding to stop providing for them.

It's not something a loving parent would do. Many of us have stuck out horrible jobs because we need to provide for our dc.

The trouble with signing over house to her is your dh has effectively potentially disinherited his children from it. She might leave house to someone else, marry with no will or whatever. He should have put it in trust for his children !! Yes it’s fine now but he’s been a fool,

stop paying her. Simple

This is your post from 10:56, there is nothing about the deeds in it.
Sorry I won't be double checking the rest as even the first one shows you're twisting something.

We're not in court so it doesn't really matter.

OP don’t rise to it. There are some people on here with the reading comprehension of a five year old. You’ve been perfectly clear in your posts and anyone who has actually read them has understood.

Stop being a mug though. Do not pay the lazy ex a penny. Provide for the kids fully at your home (assuming this is what they want) and get your DH to claim for CB. The ex doesn’t have a leg to stand on, she might have to get a job like a responsible adult!

@donewiththistakemeaway

Personally, I think he's done enough for her and their 2 kids. He gave her the house for the DC's benefit. He's been paying way over the odds at £1500/mo for his 2 kids to basically 'spend the night' in that house for (IIRC) 9 years. AND he's been reminding her of the fact that he was retiring for at least a year.

As I see it, if the sexes were reversed and the 'paying parent' was a woman whose spouse had suddenly started earning enough for her to become a SAHM, it would be fine. She'd be told it was fine to quit her job to stay at home with her children and that her Ex needed to get off his lazy arse and get a job as the 'free ride' was over. Well, your DH has just as much right to become a SAHD, and all the DC will benefit from it.

As far as the £500 you said you'd pay frankly I'd rescind it, especially if the DC say they want to live with you. There's no legal reason you have to and you're entitled to change your mind especially since she's threatened legal action. You can always say "In light of possible legal action, I don't want to set the precedent of me being responsible for paying maintenance". Total bullshit of course, but hey, needs must when the devil drives. Or you can tell her that the £500 is a temporary thing to give her some 'extra time to get a job' and that you'll pay it for 6 months.

Congratulations on building your successful business!