DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

So why cant they live with you full time? How old are they?

No I’ve worked 12 years building my business which now can support me DH and 5 children. DH has worked in a physically demanding job for 30 years

He could have not worked at any point due to ill health so she really should have been training or gaining qualifications to be able to work should her ex not have been able to provide financial support.

Honestly I wouldn't give her a penny of your money. She needs to stand on her own two feet, she is hardly even parenting her children. I can see why they would want to live with you full time. Depending on their ages they can choose to do that.

They absolutely can. 16 and 14

That’s great thank you for replying. She has a degree so she is a bright woman she just doesn’t want to work that’s the only reason why she doesn’t

The problem is your husband has enabled his ex to sit on her arse for years. Now the money is dropping she is throwing a temper tantrum. Although legally you don't have to pay anything , the right thing to do is to pay what the cms ordered. She can then go to a solicitor but she won;t have a leg to stand on. Maybe it is time she actually done some parenting.

16 and 14! What are her plans for her income in 2-4 years' time?

They're old enough to choose so they can just stay with you if you have the space for them to be there full-time. Then there's no confusion and everyone knows where they stand. She'd then owe you money but you could say you'd let that go if you like.

The DH has no income so the CMS won't be telling him to pay anything.

It sounds like the OPs household is the primary residence and op/DH are the primary carers in all but legality (because they take the kids back to mum's for bedtime but do everything else).

If the kids are old enough to choose where they live (over 10/11) and want to live with dad (as they basically already do) then there's nothing wrong with that.

I generally have a massive issue with dads leaving their jobs to live on a partner's income and reducing their CMS contributions but DH IS their primary parent and has been very generous subsidising his ex and her hew partner so I can't see that he'/you are doing anything wrong here and are doing a cracking job!

I can't see how she has any claim at all assuming they are legally divorced and financially seperated.

I hope your DH has a lovely time being a stay at home dad for a while. 5 children! Phew!! And congrats on the business going so well.

Nope you don’t have to pay! I have a strained relationship with my ex husband but when he was up for redundancy he let me know immediately that his wage may stop and therefore his CM. I had a few months to plan for if that did happen. His partner earns a very decent wage but I’d of never expected, or asked, for her to pay the CM. Our daughter is not her financial responsibility.
His ex has had a year of knowing this was coming, she’s had time to put things in place and save if necessary. What he was paying her was incredibly generous in the first place (I’m assuming he’s been paying this amount for a long time?), and you’ve been very generous offering to pay the £500. She’s being ridiculous.

Don’t pay anything or offer anything. Why are you working to provide for an unrelated adult woman?

See a family law solicitor about having the step kids full time, if that’s what they want, and will tell a mediator. You’ll need a CAO which can cost as little as £300 if you represent yourselves.

I’m guessing she’s flapping because she’s about to lose a healthy income of maintenance and benefits, but that’s her problem, not yours.

Of course she's angry Op, 1500 a month let's her and her DP stay at home and still claim benefits as CM isn't taken into account. If the DC would like to stay with their DF then go to court and ask for custody arrangements to change.

Definitely wouldn't bother applying for a CAO for a 14 year old unless really necessary. The court won't make one for a 16 year old unless severe circumstances. It's expected that at that age children 'vote with their feet' as to which parent they will live with.

Why on earth are you offering to pay 500 quid a month?! Why would you take from your own household, children AND stepchildren, when they are with you, to give to a woman who chooses not to work? Stop enabling that. Your earnings will not be taken into account at all.
Your Husband has offered to have the children 50/50, take on more of the heavy lifting DO NOT pay a penny of YOUR money Jesus wept. Tell her even if you go 50/50 she can still keep the benefits.
If she doesn't work, she will have to get a job like normal, non entitled people do.

DO NOT HAND OVER ANY MONEY.

1. Either spousal maintenance. Is that even a thing if you were never married?

2. probably won’t bother with her kids at all then

or she does go on about how when her new partners parents died she will be loaded so possible banking on that as terrible as it sounds

You’ve posted before and you were told you aren’t responsible and not to pay.

Why have you offered her money ?

Legal aid would only be available to her if she could prove that she was a victim of domestic violence within her relationship. Trying to fight retaining a payment that is significantly above the legal CMS payment threshold does not fall within the eligible criteria. This is reserved for people who are in crisis and going through a divorce or securing a child arrangement/
protection order. She would need approved forms of proof of domestic violence: GP letter, court order, police report. It’s obvious what is going on here and she would frankly be laughed at, she is deplorable.

This is MN and your husband will be ripped apart for taking a lesser paid job but in reality, why should your husband be expected to stay in a job that is killing him because she doesn’t want to provide for the children she created.

No it isn't a thing if you were never married, in general it's quite rare and I'd be very surprised to see a spousal maintenance order for 9+ years.

You’ve got the nail on the head the kids primary home is here. They eat all meals here, shower here, washing clothes is done here. The only thing they do at their mums is 5 nights a month more but that is already changing as they came here on Friday and they have been taken to school this morning by my now retired DH who is picking them after school and then taking one to rugby but we will all go and watch because that’s what we do in the household we are all together and do everything together as much as possible

plus they were never married so don’t think she can go after spousal maintenance

Yeah I think your right just late night thoughts getting me all panicked

If they weren't married then the Ex has no chance of claiming spousal maintenance. If the DC are that old then CM will finish in a few years anyway so she'll have to start paying her own way.

It’s probably worth it to formalise the arrangement and ensure OP’s household gets any child benefit, etc, and also to stop the inevitable guilt tripping that the SC are about to get about how it’s their fault their mum is penniless…

Hang on, they're only with their mum for an hour then sleeping for 6 out of 7 days of the week? Does she do breakfast time with them?

Aside from where they're sleeping, the set up sounds like your household's doing the majority of childcare already anyway.

He's been paying £1,500 per month? I thought the recommended rates were closer to 15% of income with some amends depending on numbers of nights slept at the parent's home (which is wild in your case if you're doing EVERYTHING else). Unless he was earning £10k a month?!

And she's not worked even though she's not got children with her for the vast majority of the working day? That is WILD. Especially if I'm assuming the youngest is at least 9 years old.

My husband paid my step child's mum a set rate which was above the suggested 15% and he didn't change it when we had other children nor did he take off any deductions for the 2-3 nights a week she slept at ours and that was fine - he knew what was coming out each month, his child's mum knew what was coming in. All three of us worked, it's a very different situation to yours.

I do understand the shock from the other woman, she's got used to £18k a year coming in and she doesn't want to work (maybe she's not needed to with that level of income for just putting her own 2 kids to bed).

I'd recommend getting some proper legal advice as I get the impression that things could get very challenging.