DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

Exactly this. And from what OP says, her DH’s kids don’t sound as though they are living in anything like reduced circumstances given the amount of maintenance he was paying for all those years.

I'm actually astonished at the number of people that seem to believe everything that's being posted online 😂 You can sell anything to them! :)))

He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor ... claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.I do not believe this is my responsibility.

If it's not YOUR responsibility, how did your husband arrive at the conclusion that HER (non-working) partner should contribute financially?

Out of 4 parents (two biological parents, and two step-parents) you appear now to be the only consistent worker bee adult in these kids lives. I wouldn't be paying £500 a month because your husband and his wife have decided not to work.

I think there’s a difference between believing everything that’s being posted and dismissing everything an OP says as a lie because you want to push your own agenda.

I think it's pretty shit to decide to stop working so you don't have to pay any more maintenance for three of your kids.

Yes yes I know you've offered 50/50 blah blah but it still sounds very much like the old chestnut where the dad doesn't want to pay child support to the mother he perceives as feckless. I know quite a few women who've experienced this from their exes (usually with a new partner egging them on) who aren't feckless at all.

You clearly havent read the whole post...

I see it time and time again On Here that current partners of non-resident fathers say they pay 'lots extra'. Implying that they are the good guy, and the mother should be working fulltime, putting the 'lots extra' into savings for the future.

A former partner did this. It did no favours - of course it got folded into everyday spending. The mum worked part-time, which meant lower pension contributions, less seniority & lower salary when she was ready to go back fulltime. He liked to shake his head and judge her for not putting the 'extra' aside.

I can't see why they don't make the CMS payment plus a bit more to make sure it's not the bare minimum, and put the 'lots extra' into an ISA themselves for the child.

See a solicitor.

Don't attempt to handle this yourselves.

I think it’s equally as shit to never support your own children financially and instead rely on your ex and the state.

Its 2 kids. If that was the case why would he pay 1200 more than he "had" to for 9 years. Theyve offered 200 more than again they "have" too and by the sounds of it they already have them more than 50% of the time as it is. The mum (and her partner sound lazy asf

So you deprived a disabled child of benefits that will affect her future entitlement?

wow.

I can only assume you rather being deliberately provocative Or can't read properly.

She isn’t entitled to benefits. Having autism does not entitle you to benefits, having extra care needs does - which she doesn’t have!

No no no...stay right out of this. Do not pay a penny or you'll be dragged into this.Not your job to support his ex wife. Madness.

I never dismissed everything OP said. And I'm not pushing any agenda either.

I merely said that painting people in black and white is a symptom of a lie. Is that really so groundbreaking for you?

Having autism does notentitle you to benefits

You're wrong on this, too.

Hi OP.

Your DH has treated his ex exceptionally well.

She has responded by never working, and not really parenting their kids.

I would retract the offer of £500pm - you pay the vast majority of the kids' expenses anyway!
Your solicitor can find the best legal wording.

The solicitor can also write confirming that no further CMS payments will be made as her exP no longer earns any money.

He can also set out the new custody agreement going forward ie they will spend the majority of their time with you and their dad, at their request.
I really don't think she'll be that bothered, as having them with her is no longer going to come with a nice amount of cash every month.

You have done brilliantly building a successful company, and your DH can now enjoy more time with his children.

Good luck going forward!

i think this thread has got a bit out of hand I was only worried if there was a chance the ex could come after me for money.

a few posters really haven't understood well or read anything I’ve said and have just made things up.

to make it clear my DH isn’t just stopping work to sit on his ass he’s doing it so it’s my turn to sort my career out and he can be there for all his children.

I don’t think in any world it’s unreasonable for a grown healthy woman to finally get a job in her 40s to support her children that she has never contributed to in 14 and 16 years.

my DH has done his best 30 odd years working a physical job is enough. Yes he could get another job in an office or something but then I’m stuck doing all the childcare regardless. Him stopping working so he gets more time with all the children and helps me with my childcare responsibilities means I get to provide for all of us and have my sense of worth.

he never paid her £300 no idea where that came from he’s always paid her £1500. She has had 1 years notice and many reminders.

DH pays for all clubs and uniform and school trips.

the house she lives in is paid off. She will never be kicked out.

she has had £1500 a month for bills, food and luxuries.

the kids eat at our home 7/7 days, clothes washing, clubs and after school pick ups are 100 percent done in our home

the kids are in my home until 8pm every day of the year

10 nights a month the kids stay with us. On those days we also do the morning school run. it is 5 days short of 50/50. Ex gets £1500 a month for years for doing 5 nights more than in our home.

I have offered her £500

Two kids, not three. And he’s paid five times the rate of the ordered CMS. £1500 a month assumes that the two kids cost £3000 a month to support, which is absolute nonsense. He’s worked for thirty years in what OP says is a physically demanding job and if you look at the details of travel time and hours worked it seems unsustainable for an older man. If what OP says is true and the ex has never worked then she is feckless. Especially if it’s true that OP and DH have provided most of the support for the children as well as the money.

How is this in any way relevant to what OP has posted ? If what OP has said is true then ex has had years of opportunity to go back to work full time because OP and DH take on most of the responsibility for the children. CMS payments are based on declared income from the absent parent. They can’t be expected to pay any more than they can genuinely afford, so where would you get the ‘bit more’ from ? The effort would be better spent chasing absent parents who are getting away with declaring next to nothing in the way of earnings by exploiting various loopholes.

Reminds me of my ExDH's first wife who never worked a day in her life, all, kids above 8 years old, and were desperate to live or at least stay with us 50/50. They used to scream and cry and run away from her, jump out the car whilst driving away to come back to us, so he went to mediation to apply for 50/50 at least. She genuinley said he could have them full time so long as she still got 'her money'. The mediator suggested getting a job to which she seemed astounded and said, on my child's life - 'But when would i do the food shop?'

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Sounds like enough is enough and this is what happens when you totally rely on someone else to financially provide for the children you helped create.

Meant to say as well OP when exDh and I got married she went to CMS telling them the CMS should go up because we were married now. They quite rightly laughed her out the office.

She seemed to forget that I actually paid a lot towards those kids, not to mention the 5 bed detached they could live in becuase of our joint income, which he couldn't afford without me, but that didn't seem to matter to her as it wasn't money in her pocket. I couldn't believe the audacity of her to sit on her arse (no reason for her not to work at all) and apply for my money while I'm working for HER children.

No she can't come for your money. I'm embarassed for her.

Oh yes this is ringing some bells. I think it has become crunch time and tonight when we speak to the kids will be up to them to decide if we are changing the arrangement to full time. I can’t see them saying they wouldn’t want to be with us full time in all honesty

Nope. It’s you who are wrong. Disability benefits are not awarded simply because you are disabled. They are assessed and awarded according to the impact of that disability on daily life. Plenty of disabled people, including those with Autism, are not entitled to disability benefits because they don’t meet the thresholds set for claiming those benefits. I have to caveat that by saying I’m a bit concerned that the poster cancelled the benefit for her DSD based on her own perception of her needs. Child DLA is a very hard benefit to claim and it has to be demonstrated that the childs’ needs are significantly above those of a child without the disability. If DSD has been assessed purely on paperwork then fair enough - there’s room for exaggeration - but if she’s had a face to face assessment then the poster is assuming a medical professional is wrong without knowing the basis on which DSD was awarded. And it will certainly be harder for DSD to claim PIP in the future should her needs change, because the claim will be linked with the old DLA claim.

@D0RAhave you actually read the thread?
The mother and her partner don’t work and live in a house which was totally paid for by the father. Plus he paid £1500pm when the CMS calculation was £300.
The father has worked in a physically demanding manual job for 30 years and is exhausted. The OP have the DC after school ber day and feed them dinner, take them to clubs etc. The mother has them for an hour a day and puts them to bed , gives them breakfast and drops to school and that’s about it. The mother is a lazy CF.