AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Vimes’ food groups; grease, sugar, starch and BCBs (burnt crunchy bits).

@Dogingarden, I was in exactly the same position as you - healthy diet and lifestyle, got breast cancer because of inheriting a faulty gene. I also had a mastectomy and (partial) hysterectomy

Similarly, when I was going through chemo all healthy eating went out the window. No-one who hasn't been through chemo can know quite how difficult it is to eat healthily while you are basically being poisoned. Certain foods (unpasteurised dairy, soft-boiled eggs, grapefruit) aren't allowed. Nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea upset your digestion. My mouth was so painful from ulcers that eating made me cry, and it took me over an hour to swallow a small bowl of soup.

Eat whatever you can right now and don't worry about how healthy it is. Normal rules don't apply. There is some evidence that a healthy diet (specifically low saturated fat and high fibre) can help recovery from cancer, but that's something to think about later, not now

I think lots of people want the link between lifestyle and cancer to be stronger than it is because they think if they do the 'right' things they will be safe. It's not that simple

Best of luck 💐

Gosh that is extremely judgemental of her! My DS had food issues thanks to multiple life threatening food allergies and we saw a nutritionist and psychologist on NHS and their view was same as consultant. They would say things like - cake is better than biscuits as it has egg in it. But absolutely getting calorie rich food was more important than the type of food.

People are not very deep or thoughtful. Awful for you when you just need support. I think maybe just be honest with her and tell her how it makes you feel. It probably won't make any difference but you never know.

The fact that you had an appetite should have been a positive and they have turned it into a stressful event.

I think your friend is horrible.
Sanctimonious as well.
You have just been through a traumatic time. It must have felt wonderful to actually have the appetite for pizza and chips*.
The thing is we all know about UPFs etc and that’s not ideal to gorge on them 24/7 every day. You’d have to be living on a rock to not know.
But those aren’t your circumstances. And you have every right to eat what you can when you can, and you can do all the healthy stuff when you feel a bit more balanced.
No matter your choices your friend still has no right to do this.
*if the pizza had pineapple on it I take back the above. 🤣

Having just been through cancer treatment myself I broadly agree with this. I was advised that eating high fat and ultra processed foods can increase cell division causing accelerated tumour growth and resistance to some treatments. However, I would caveat that with the fact that I was also told that the odd bit of fast food in an otherwise healthy diet isn’t what’s being referred to here - it’s aimed at those who have an overall unhealthy diet high in sugar, saturated fats and processed foods. I agree her friend was right - the delivery could have been better though, and has obviously come from a place of concern.

If I were that friend I’d be ordering and enjoying that pizza with you.

this is a reflection on her, not on you. She’s projecting on to you and that’s unfair.

eat what you want, when you want!

why do you say "obviously"?

The dietary advice I had during cancer treatment was the opposite of this. I was told that there is a lot of evidence to support the fact that unhealthy eating, diets rich in saturated fats and ultra processed foods, actually encourage cell division and encourage tumour growth. In certain circumstances they can also cause resistance to certain treatments. There is now some pressure on oncologists to be clearer about the link between diet and cancer.

I was referred to a dietitian during cancer treatment and her advice was that the odd McDonalds or Pizza here and there, coupled with a predominantly healthy diet isn’t a problem. It’s longer term bad diet that is the culprit. I think the friend is right and her words have come from a place of concern, but the delivery was a bit brutal.

Because she’s basically right and if she wasn’t concerned surely she wouldn’t have brought it up ?

I would tell her to keep the fuck out of my business.

@ThreadGuardDog - for @Dogingarden, the choice isn’t healthy food vs unhealthy food, it’s unhealthy food vs no food whatsoever. She isn’t eating, is losing weight, and needs the calories so she doesn’t carry on losing weight. This is her oncologist’s advice to her.

It was the same as pp when my son was going through cancer treatment. The chef on the oncology ward would also serve high calorie milkshakes to the children on a regular basis.

Eating was the priority, especially for children rapidly losing weight and at risk of a feeding tube. McDonald's was a staple for many of them, including my own son. Sometimes he had it twice in one day because it was the only thing he fancied and it was better than him not eating at all.

I was also told that sugar etc feeding cancer is a myth.

You don't need what she is coming out with, at this time.
However my consultants told me the same, I was medically underweight. I ate, thought I could just lose it when I'd recovered. I didn't bank on the menopause hitting at the same time as post treatment/cancer, chronic fatigue. My lymph nodes are doing whatever they like. I had to have some removed, as well as my tonsils and was in and out of surgery for another year. Now I'm one of the hated, on here, obese people, who just shouldn't have allowed myself to get that way (common theme on here). So while posters will tell you to have an extreme reaction to her, many feel the same. Fake exhaustion, get rid of her for a while and when you feel up to it, decide on if you still want her as a friend.

But there is more and more evidence to suggest that once you have cancer, diet matters. My cancer treatment was two years ago, but it was made very clear to me by the consultant that diet plays a part in long term survival, because a diet rich in saturated fats, sugar and ultra processed foods can encourage cell division causing tumours to grow, and that a bad overall diet can actually interfere with some treatments. Food may not cure cancer but it clearly has an effect on some treatments, and where a particular type of cancer has a high incidence of return (which mine does) diet matters even more to ensure that treatments are as effective as possible.

I realise that. And in those circumstances I would go for the unhealthy food if that was what was tickling my appetite, because at that stage it’s the calories that matter. At no point did I say the opposite. My points were entirely in respect of long term habitually bad diet. The oncologists advice is for the here and now, and designed for a much needed calorie intake.

OP your 'friend' is insensitive, unkind, and not really a friend to you at all. I think you're being generous allowing her to even spend the night. It's only 8pm. I'd go and tell her to piss off to a hotel or something.

And some of the people commenting on this thread. You should all piss off as well. Wtf is actually wrong with you?

Sugar feeding cancer is a myth. And it’s one that has caused many cancer patients to be ill through weight loss in avoiding it. I’m not talking about the short term need for calories at particular stages of treatment - I agree calorie intake is the priority. But longer term there is evidence to support the fact that an overall unhealthy diet adversely affects outcomes.

Some of us are commenting from the point of view of the advice we’ve had when undergoing our own cancer treatments.

OP isn't talking about eating pizza or having an overall unhealthy diet long term though. She just wanted a pizza because she finally felt able to eat, desperately needs to gain weight and is simply following her oncologists advice.

Her friend should have backed well off when she stated she was following her oncologists advice.

Why did you feel the need to prepare an essay about healthy eating and long term cancer survival? It's totally irrelevant to OP's situation. At 5'9" and 7 stone OP has a BMI of 14.5. She's going to have major surgery at some point, she needs the calories not a lecture. Her friend is there giving pointless and unsolicited advice she really doesn't need anyone else to tell her what she probably already knows. At this point in time eating at all is a higher priority than what she's eating.

this

I bet the mouthy "friend" wasn't.

she is not "basically right" in the OP's circumstances.....and have you never met gobby know it alls? They just can't help themselves

My dear, after going through chemo AND it being your birthday, any good friend would be so glad that you are on the mend and keep their food Nazi ideas to themselves. I wish you the very best in life and friends, you deserve it.
Give this judgy b*tch the old heave ho. 😁🤗

Well then you should know better. People need to eat and it's none of your business what they eat.