AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Sorry, still not balanced, the whipped cream and chocolate sauce is pretty essential. Got to get all food groups properly represented.

OP, she's an arsehole, and an ignorant one too: when having chemo you eat what you are able to, and when you want to, and what you want to - and the high doses of steroids tend to make you crave junk, IMO, too.

It's rude to monitor someone else's diet, uninvited, at the best of times, but here? She can fuck right off. I've had chemo as well and if pizza helps, get it down you.

And the idea a frigging pizza "makes cancer worse..." we used to have a bingo card in the Young Women With Breast Cancer group I was in, and "eat kale" was on there for extremely good reason. A poor diet across years, yes, cancer risk increases. Eating what you can while your body processes an extreme toxin? Funnily enough, I don't think the odd pizza will act as a shield for that chemo.

I'm glad you asked her to leave. You don't need to waste bandwidth on that rubbish.

yup some fool gave my late husband a CD about "the asparagus diet and how it cured cancer"

OP, you know your friend best, so you know if it’s her being judgmental or if it’s really poorly worded concern. If it’s concern, you can maybe talk to her but if, as you suspect, it’s judgement, I hope you had the strength to bounce her backside out the door.

However there’s something about a cancer diagnosis that really makes other people go a bit odd about diet and lifestyle. I had an online friend who had an absolute (and well deserved) rant and cleaned out her social media because of the amount of diet and lifestyle “advice” she was suddenly getting and the (in some cases not very subtle) implication that it was all her fault that she wasn’t getting better because she wasn’t doing any of those things. As she said, all her energy was going on trying to survive and sod everything else. I made the cut because I asked her what did she expect if she wasn’t prepared to do a yoga or stick crystals and kale up her bum?

YANBU and I hope you kicked her out. None of her business, and she’s being incredibly judgmental and unsupportive. You definitely won’t have much of an appetite right now, so when you do fancy something, you have it girl. I’m sorry you’re going through this at all, and wish you all the best with your treatment.

if she is continuing to bang on, its not "poorly worded concern"

YANBU of course not .
She's being very ignorant. You should eat whatever you can stomach and she should keep her nose out.
Surely to God she can see how thin you are and how you need whatever calories you can get into you!

Send her packing!

Yep and a relative of mine recently beat stage 4 cancer and his diet is shocking!!!

oh and Cancer Research UK's article about the sugar myth.
https://news.cancerresearchuk.org/2023/08/16/sugar-and-cancer-what-you-need-to-know/

I have been trying to live by ‘think the best of people’ when they piss me off. In this case, she might be genuinely worried about you and trying to latch onto diet as something she sees as something that is controllable in an uncertain situation. However, she has still come across as an arse and has clearly upset you especially given the priority is to get some food in you given your low weight.

There is big difference between ‘try to eat well to get nourishment and vitamins etc’ and some of the more zealous health folk out there who believe their diet will prevent or even cure cancer when there is no evidence of that at all. The latter are a dangerous breed.

After what you have been through, you are entitled to follows your consultant's advice and eat anything to put some weight on. Your friend is probably trying to convince you to eat more cleanly, not just because that is what she prefers, but there are lots of people online we advocating for healthy and clean eating to battle cancer. Have as quiet word with her, but don't lose her as as friend.

You don’t ’beat’ stage 4 cancer, it’s metastatic cancer. It’s treatable and you can live a long time with it, but it’s not curable. And as I said upthread, the dietary advice to eat a healthier diet once you’ve had a cancer diagnosis is based on verified research. A diet high in saturated fats and over processed foods can cause inflammation, leading to cell division, which exacerbates the growth of tumours. In some cases it can also make various treatments less effective, and where it leads to obesity, again inflammation can feed tumour growth. The risk of some cancers is also hugely increased by obesity.

My dad had terminal cancer and my dick head brother and his patronising girlfriend tried to police what he ate. They made him feel so guilty and came out with some crackers like that food is feeding the cancer. All he wanted to do was eat food that he liked, that gave him comfort and that brought him pleasure. Enjoy your pizza and chocolate , and don’t waste your time on people who bring that sort of unnecessary negativity into your life.

Frankly, during my cancer treatment my appetite was shot. I used to eat a lot of fish. Couldn’t face it. There was nothing I liked more for lunch than a bowl of homemade ratatouille. The thought made me feel sick. One day, I craved a bag of crisps and nothing else: I dislike crisps normally. And for breakfast? All I wanted was Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

Eight months on, I am now enjoying fish again and eating more or less normally. Don’t eat crisps and no longer crave Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. But I still cannot face ratatouille.

Have all the posters preaching about the importance of eating healthily, and referring to the item heard on the radio, had chemotherapy? If not, you can sod off with your self righteous sermonising. You get through it as best you can. As I did, and as the OP, and many like us, will do, in our own ways.

And those lots of people have in lots of ways been pulled apart.

RTFT

I haven’t but to me it’s like HG in pregnancy - you eat what you can, when you can

I can only dream to have your patience one day, OP. If anybody criticised what I ate, especially while staying in my home, they wouldn't be in it a moment longer. Though this is due to me having severe trauma around food due to a previously controlling relationship.

I agree with the sentiment of your friend/PPs that no, you perhaps shouldn't be eating processed food as it is not good for health. But my god, who is anyone to dictate to a cancer patient what they should be eating. Nobody has any idea what it is like to go through, unless they have before, and even so people experience everything differently.

Does she have no understanding of the severe food aversion chemo causes? My uncle lost so much weight during chemo he looked skeletal, it was frightening and so sad to see. If your body is telling you to eat something, eat it. Fuck what anybody else here there or anywhere thinks or has to say. It's your body, your choice, and your battle. Focus on yourself, and yeah, get her out, you don't need that.

If she’s a good friend, I’d talk to her about how it made you feel.

I wasn't criticising her diet. I was trying to point out that her friend's advice was probably from her heart and out of care. I'm well aware that cancer can strike anyone, no matter how healthy their diet and the poster had her own genes working against her. I think that too many replies on MN can turn an uncomfortable situation into a quarrel between friends serves to help no-one.

Never seen my mum eat even a small square of chocolate until she had cancer then suddenly lying she was eating a large bar every night - exactly the same, her oncologist told her to pack in the calories so she took him at his word! Depends how your friend said it.

oh I think the OP's "friend" has canned the friendship.

You’ve had cancer and it’s your birthday.

Your friend is an arsehole for begrudging you a pizza, chips and chocolate!

1. Calories are calories. You've lost weight - most important thing is getting the intake up in this circumstance.

2. You've been through enough - if you fancy something to eat, you should be allowed to wholeheartedly enjoy it!

Send her packing and dont think about it again! Don't waste another moment feeling down about her. Sounds like she has some issues of her own regarding food

Good for you OP! People judging you for eating pizza and chocolate after you’ve lost so much weight due to cancer treatment can do one! If you were eating this every day for months I could see their point, but you’re going through the worst time of your life and haven’t eaten properly for ages! Tell her tomorrow you’re ordering a chocolate pizza 😂 Sending best wishes on a quick recovery xx

Bollocks to her. Everything you ate is sold as food and therefore it is food. Congratulations for getting your appetite back!

It sounds to me like your friend is just worried about you and loves you so she wants the best for you.