AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

I don’t think comments like these understand the impact of the appétite loss. Ondansetron, one of the drugs they give you to treat nausea in pregnancy, was developed for cancer treatment. Because you stare at food and it might as well be plastic shapes and dust, and who in their right mind could choke that down? So anything that your brain and stomach tell you is physically edible is a win.

We had a family member who really believed in the healthy eating and got into it even more when she got cancer. She wasn’t getting enough calories to fight the cancer, full stop. It was probably a hopeless case anyway but this most definitely did not help.

Also lycopenes in the pizza tomato sauce are great for health reasons, the carbs are good for keeping up energy levels, cheese is proteinaceous and if it's dark chocolate then it's full of antioxidants!

I hope you've asked her to go and felt strong enough to tell her why. She needs to apologise to you for this. Any sort of judgement when you already have so much to cope with is really unfeeling and not in the least helpful. You need to eat whatever you want at the moment and enjoy doing so!

For me it would be don't let the door hit you on the way out. A friend would not do this just because they are pro healthy eating, they would be glad you are feeling up to eating after your treatment!!

Your friend may have been commenting from a place of concern but it doesn't sound like she has much in the way of emotional intelligence. Some people just don't get when they should keep their mouth shut, usually about things they have no experience of. You would not be unreasonable to ask her to leave. Do what is best for you.

Edited to add: I bet she is the kind of person who when told of life-changing bereavement compares it to losing her cat.

Yes we all know processed food isn't good for us but when someone is having cancer treatment eating sensibly does tend to go out the window depending on how the chemo affects your taste buds and how nauseous and sick they feel.

When I was having chemo the steroids made me ravenous at times and I had strange cravings, cheesey wotsits one week, salt and vinegar crisps the next. Then I would have weeks where my taste went completely and I would struggle to eat as everything tasted like cardboard. At one point I was living off chicken soup. I did eat fruit and veg when I fancied it but my diet wasn't the best.

You just do whatever you can to get through the treatment and come out the other side. If someone had told me my diet was crap at that time I would have felt like punching them.

After treatment had finished and my appetite had returned is when I was able to go back to eating more healthily.

That was 12 year ago now.

We need the laugh react back!

(And I wholeheartedly agree with your post 😄)

My Gran first had cancer as a young teenager, she had the healthiest diet possible. I never saw or heard of her eating anything like pizza, chocolate, cakes etc.

My grandparents ate such a healthy diet full of everything you need (didn't smoke or drink either) but she still had multiple different cancers over her lifetime (I think about 7) and finally she had terminal breast cancer when she was in her 70s.

Eat what you want OP and enjoy every single little bit of it. Good luck with the rest of your journey

Definitely. I’ve reframed the heart as a haha in my mind. Need a real one. 😅

OP ~ I’ve seen enough people in chemo to be truly disgusted with your friend. Congratulations on your appetite- I hope this is the start of it coming back more regularly! All the best in your recovery. ❤️‍🩹

the way the Op banged on I would not be being gebtle and would not trust her to prepare food that I would want. A friend that can't STFU is no friend.

thing is you know, she is not right. Upthread I posted the Cancer Research advice on how to regain/maintain weight. It was basically eat junk food and slather it with mayonnaise. I agree about not pushing her away though. Pushing her off a cliff would be a better idea.

You need to save your emotional resources for your cancer journey OP.
She needs to go, you don't need this.
Take care

When my Mum had cancer, both her consultant and the Macmillan nurse told us that she should eat whatever she fancied, because calories were important and her appetite was so diminished (especially by the chemo).

This person is not a good friend. I hope you feel a lot better soon. xxx

An analogy for people

execise is really good for you / builds strong bone and muscle
but if you break your leg you don’t focus on building the bone and muscle until the bone has set

Sorry to hear about your illness and wishing you only good things. As for your friend, she should just be pleased that you are able to enjoy some food.

Nutrition is a big deal in our family and I grew up in a "if you eat a healthy, varied diet, you don't need supplements" environment.

When my dad had cancer, we spent a lot of time coming up with ways he could increase his nutrition, even as eating was something he really didn't want to do, made worse as it was oesophogus cancer. We bought the flaxseeds and nuts and added them to smoothies. I baked vegetable based muffins. We cooked 500 different types of soup, all filled with nutrients.

But when the only thing he could face was a milkshake.... he had a milkshake. Because he was sick, losing weight, and needed calories and strength.

Raw carrots are better for you than cooked carrots. Cooked carrots are still better for you than no carrots.

Only people who have never watched someone with cancer and how sick it makes them would make these stupid and insensitive comments.

I agree with everything you said. I'm not comparing my situation to anyone else's, but I have to do methotrexate injections every week, not because of cancer but to stop my autoimmune system from attacking my joints, skin, and muscles. It's not a large dose and has nowhere near the side effects of chemo for cancer, but it causes terrible sores and lesions inside my mouth and on my lips and tongue. Thrush, too. If it gets out of control I'll sometimes have strings of tissue hanging from the inside of my lips and talking can be excruciating as well..

Methotrexate inhibits the production of folic acid, which causes the oral damage, so my Rheumatologist has me take high strength folic acid tablets every day. They have made a world of difference and I'm able to eat with much less pain. Swishing with Nystatin is very effective, too. Probably you've had them prescribed to you, but just in case you haven't, please give this a try. I can eat ketchup without blistering my tongue now.
@Dogingarden 💐

YANBU. When I had my treatment for Breast cancer, the consultant said exactly the same to me. I had very little appetite for a couple of weeks each month for the whole 6 months of chemotherapy, and was told just to eat exactly what I fancied, full fat and all.
I would ask her to leave, and sending all my best wishes for the rest of your treatment and beyond.

I was going to say the same, Stress is a lot worse for you than a bit of pizza and choc after a long spell of low appetite, particularly as your consultant gave you the go ahead. I wish you well with your recovery journey.

ps.. I've been told to really watch the carbs,but also that high coco count dark chocolate is not bad for you.

Please ignore this. I worked in a hospital ward where I watched people who were almost certainly going to die being made to eat all sorts of food in the hope of a cure by well meaning loved ones. All it did was make their last few months miserable.

If diet could cure cancer, you'd know about it because the NHS would save a fortune.

I don't think she's doing it from a place of concern but a place of judgement unfortunately.

If that is the case she needs to go. Judgement is the last thing you need right now.

Telling her to leave will probably end the friendship anyway so you've nothing to lose by asking her directly what her motives are.

Yanbu @Dogingarden My daughter's friend had cancer when she was 17, and her mum who was estranged from came back into her life. She wouldn't let her eat the foods she wanted to eat and made her eat healthy stuff to try and heal her. Sadly her friend died at 18. I think her mum was trying to get back the time she had missed from her daughter's life. It was a very sad situation all round.

Anyway, eat the pizza and whatever you feel like you can eat. If you can't do that when going through something like this, then when can you? I am sure once you are better, you'll be keen to have a healthy diet again, with the occasional treats, but for now it's about survival

No it's not as simple as that. That's why it boils people with cancer's piss when people who've never been there start spouting off about sugar feeding cancer and oranges/broccoli/ whatever else curing it.

It's not that simple. People with good diets get cancer, people with bad diets don't. People with cancer don't need to be told they're eating wrong or not doing what they can to help themselves, from people who listened to a podcast.

May I recommend listening to the Professor Thomas Head of Oncology (Cancer) at the Royal London Hospital for Integrated Medicine and others, speaking on the Radio 4 programme below?

I did post it earlier on this thread too, and it was mentioned by other pp as well.

”Could Food do More on Cancer Care and Prevention*.”
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002xpbp?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

It is neither saying eating ‘good food’ means you won’t ever get cancer, nor saying never eat pizza and chocolate.

About the programme:

Fifteen years after her cancer diagnosis, Sheila Dillon asks what role food could play in cancer treatment, prevention and recovery - and why it is still so often overlooked.

Earlier this year, the Government published a new 10-year National Cancer Plan for England, aiming to save 320,000 lives and ensure three in four people survive at least five years after diagnosis by 2035. It’s been welcomed as an ambitious strategy, yet some say it has little to say about diet. References to food focus largely on reducing obesity - by making supermarkets to monitor and report on sales of healthy and unhealthy foods, and expanding access to weight-loss drugs. It also includes commitments to improving hospital food for children with cancer, and introducing prehabilitation programmes via the NHS App by 2028.

So where does that leave food itself - in treatment, in recovery, and in the risk of relapse?

Featuring interviews with:
Clare Doney, the clinical lead for personalised care for the Northern Cancer Alliance covering the North East and North Cumbria.

Dr Giota Mitrou, Executive Director of Research and Policy at World Cancer Research Fund International

Prof. Robert Thomas, head of oncology at the Royal London Hospital for Integrated Medicine, part of University College Hospital and consultant oncologist at Addenbrooks hospital in Cambridge.