AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Why do so many people struggle to not give unsolicited advice?!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the clowns who listened to a radio show and think they're experts on nutrition in cancer. Staggering that they have the arrogance to lecture a woman going through chemotherapy.

My mum went through this when she had breast cancer.

She ended up keeping the cancer battle a secret from most people because "friends" who had never been through chemo had so much unhelpful advice. She told everyone she was fine, chemo was over (even though she had another 9 months of chemo and surgeries) so she could stop listening to idiotic and insensitive bullshit.

People who have never been through it don't understand just how sick it makes you. And because some are so incredibly selfish and self centered, they don't listen or care about what you have to say.

Kick her out and cool.down the friendship.

It's a bit of bread which is likely fortified with folate, carbs for much needed energy, good 👍 It's rich tomato sauce with some vitamins including flavanoids, great antioxidants for the immune system, good 👍 It's cheese, full of fat for much needed weight gain and energy storage and calcium for healthy bones, good 👍 It absolutely will aid recovery. Honestly get a grip and stop shaming OP by calling it 'processed crap'.

When my kitty was ill with cancer, I said to him, 'well kiddo, you can eat anything you want now. Treats, tuna, chicken, junk cat food, anything. Because you are so thin, you just need calories at this point, and something that tickles your palate.' Maybe a trite example, but the point is, above and beyond anything the OP needs calorie input right now. She can resume a better diet a bit later on. Just get calories in! And that's from someone who's been obsessed with healthy eating half her life. There are times you just have to hit the pause button.

Happy birthday and well done for getting this far through treatment OP.
As a breast cancer survivor I can confirm that getting through chemo is so hard that healthy eating is the last thing you worry about. Staying hydrated, finding food that doesn’t hurt your sore mouth or taste of metal, or aggravate nausea or diarrhoea is a bigger priority.( My DH kept me fed with Charlie Bigham ready meals for a long time).
Afterwards you can recover with healthy food if you want.
I became a teetotal vegetarian, adapted my diet to include thirty plants a week, and exercised six hours a week. Guess what? I got another cancer two years later and I don’t have dodgy genes. Happily I am now well and cancer free after three rounds of chemotherapy surgery and radiation.
Along the way some of my friends dropped me, some said stupid things and some were great. I have raised the bar now. I stopped talking to some who were just pushing their own agenda and not showing any care for me or DH. I don’t need those people in my life.
Incidentally come over to the health board and have a look on the Cancer threads. There is some great support there.
Live long and prosper!

yes. yes you can help it.

@Dogingarden I think your friend is being undiplomatic offering unwanted criticisms but maybe it does come from a place of concern and ignorance about cancer and the effects of chemo.

Being realistic, if you are getting limited food than the healthier it is the better, so I see her point, but what she needs to understand is that this isn't a fad, an intentional bad choice, its survival mode, and normal dietary rules go out of the window in favour of any sustenance you can get down your throat (and keep it there).

This is in line with you consultants advice, which will be born out of many years of seeing patients going through this exact scenario. His guidance, no, medical prescription is to do what you are doing. Your weight is extremely low for your height.

Nonetheless, in her head, she probably (wrongly) perceives she is trying to help, as annoying as it may be,

I would be tempted to talk to her and only ask her to leave if she continues to ignore your stance. I would probably say something along the following lines:

"I need to be really clear with you. I’m 5ft 9 and only 7 stone right now. My medical team have told me outright that stopping the weight loss is critical, and the only priority is getting calories in however I can. This isn’t a lifestyle choice or a fad, it’s a serious medical condition, and I’m following the consultant’s instructions exactly. He has advised me getting something down is the most important thing.

Your comments about ‘processed crap’ were hurtful and inappropriate, especially after weeks of having no appetite. You should be grateful I’m eating anything at all. I know your advice comes from a well‑intended place, but it’s not appropriate here, and it’s making an already difficult situation harder. I'm struggling as it is with everything going on and unwarranted criticism, disguised as help, is bringing me down."

And if she still isn't getting the boundary, then add:

"I need to protect my health and my peace, so I think it’s best if you head home today and we will catch up again in the future."

I was seriously ill last year and despite being know as a food lover, I just couldn't face it and unless you have been there, its hard to explain to others. But she is obviously visiting because she cares so don't burn the bridges for the future. Clear boundaries are what is needed.

Wishing you all the best OP.

I've had cancer and chemo. Weird tastes in the mouth etc. I really loved ginger nut biscuits and fizzy bitter lemon drink at the same time! Also told eat what I fancied. Wholesome good stuff was like eating sawdust and glue. I did put on a lot of weight though. When finished chemo lost the weight within 6 months.

because a smack in the mouth is considered socially unnacceptable.

If she was a true friend she would have kept her opinions to herself. She didn't, maybe lots of reasons for that, but when you get down to it a true friend gives unconditional support no matter what she thinks. If you want her to leave ask her to leave.

errm she did continue to ignore the OP.

Well as my post clearly stated they fight cancer cells that would be irrelevant
but I’ll ask my mum to ask the doctor in the 1950s how many you have to eat to do that

I love a good pizza - I'm glad you were able to eat some food. My Mum has breast cancer and is still deciding her next treatment... I will be supporting her to eat what she can and sleep if she needs to.

If it is a good friend, I would tell her how i feel and if she carried on I would then say, that i needed some space.

YANBU - You friend is demonstrating her limited understanding of your condition, lack of empathy and lack of knowledge in general. I mean yes ideally you should eat healthy but chemo makes you feel rotten and strips your appetite. And when you feel you can manage then eat more healthy and seek out advice. Good luck with everythinv

I think if u was my friend and been struggling with appetite and lost 2 stone due to cancer I would be overjoyed to actually see U eating something u fancied !!! Proper friends really feel for u and worry when your not well !
Your friend is NOT a friend she's a smug little bitch and self righteous food doesn't make cancer worse sometimes u could be the fittest person on the planet and still get cancer !!!! Big hugs I hope U enjoyed your treats xxxx

I, however , bloody love you !

Is she a very good friend usually? Is it possible she is anxious/sad about your cancer and is just expressing concern for your health in a really unhelpful way?

Obviously eat whatever you want right now and I'm not suggesting she's right, but people can get a bit loopy when someone close to them is really sick.

A close friend had terminal cancer but was still having chemo to try to slow down the inevitable. He was often sick and always nauseous. His brother visited him and decided to stay a couple of nights, ( uninvited as my friend could only cope with his brother in small doses). On the second day of his brother’s visit, my friend woke up and for the first time in ages didn’t feel sick or nauseous. His brother said he’d pop out and get lunch and what did my friend fancy. My friend said he was craving pizza and his brother said he’d bring one home. Great. An hour later he came back and my friend was almost smacking his lips together as he was so looking forward to eating something he fancied without the nausea. His brother didn’t pick up a pizza, he brought in a salad because he “ knew better” and a pizza wasn’t healthy enough. My friend was very disappointed and actually asked his brother to leave ( although not as politely) and it did damage their relationship.

Mmmm totally with your consultant. I do think you need to have a chat with your friend . She's frightened. Has she lost someone to cancer already . She's being way out of line but I do think it's from fear and caring in about you . Still very wrong and I'd probably have made her eat a whole pizza and keep telling her to shut up
People are pretty odd when you've been very ill. No idea how to cope with their own emotions, feelings let alone yours . Also they seem to become experts over and above the humble consultant who has trained for so many years 🤣
Huge hugglies and awesome job kicking cancer to the curb . Me personally it would have been a huge tray of samosas 🤣 yummmmm.

She’s trying to help. But if cancer treatments and prevention was about eating well it would be easy wouldn’t it? Meet her half way and ask her to prepare a lovely meal for you both. Gently tell her you didn’t get ill through any sort of food though. Better to have friends than not and long term to eat well but I do get what you’re saying. Hope all goes well and happy birthday! And, not an expert, but i believe Greens and Black chocolate is EXCELLENT for you! Xx

As you have explained what your doctor said and your friend should be able to understand that right now you simply need food and calories, in whatever form that may take, I think you would be reasonable to chuck her out. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone while going through this difficult time. Of course a pizza isn’t going to “make the cancer worse” and I would like to see her try to put on weight and have an appetite when she is presented with a plate of bloody lettuce (or whatever she is suggesting)! I hope she takes the conversation with some grace and doesn’t try to guilt you further! Get her non-oncology trained ass out of your hair and enjoy your chips

I think it's not quite as simple as that. Sorry, I can't answer your question as I'm neither a scientist nor medically trained. I'm merely an interested bystander. I'm sure there is a huge amount that we don't yet fully understand about how the body works and the causes of diseases.

YANBU- how horrible of her to think she knows better than the oncologist and insensitive to make you feel bad. Even without struggling to eat for weeks everyone is entitled to a pizza and chocolate for their birthday! (Or whenever they like!)

However, is there a chance she is actually very worried about you and genuinely thinks that eating salad and fish will make your illness better?

I think if it's a choice of you eating pizza and chips or not eating then it's pizza and chips every time. You've just got your appetite back and have chosen something that you really wanted and knew that you would enjoy and there's nothing at all wrong with that.