Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

[Inftsouthwest]

I’m in my 40s and me and my brother went a private school throughout, obviously many years ago. I also have some connections with the school as a couple of relatives (though now passed) used to work there.

Me and ex recently split and I have moved back to the area. Prior to split we were in a position to afford school fees with relative ease. Now we have split and with the added vat, it is going to be a struggle.

For context my take home pay is 4,500 and ex is 5,600.

I thought of going to the new headmaster and asking if he would honour some sort of discount for DD. Nothing major but perhaps even 10% or something.

Would I be completely embarrassing myself here? I know private school is a controversial topic but I absolutely adored school and feel strongly about the wider experiences young people have with private education. I know I can express this with passion, because it’s completely true for me that I really believe in the system.

We would probably send her regardless of a reduction but as above it would be hard.

No point wasting a perfectly fantastic state school place on someone who would be constantly disappointed and felt like their child's opportunities had been diminished by being there.

A sensible strategy might be to go chat to them, say that given the recent split you are concerned about the costs of running two households, you’re having to do the sums…..you wondered if there was any kind of alumni discount? If they want your daughter and are open to discounting fees that’s a good way to broach the subject without asking to apply for a bursary.

If it’s only going to be a struggle then I don’t think you should ask because you can afford it but don’t want to give up other things to pay for it.

She can. She said they’ll send the child there with or without the discount 🤷🏼‍♀️.

They absolutely are not that high. Warwick school (near me) charges around £6000 a term for day school and £15000 a term for boarding. That's pretty standard pricing for all private schools within an hour of us. Some are remarkably cheap - around £2000 a term. She needs to look for a cheaper alternative or cut back on luxuries to afford a decent education for her child. On their combined incomes it is not unaffordable.

I am going to be that person: i know the advantages that a private school can offer, having worked in two as a teacher.

I can't afford to send my child to private school, nor can you now. That's how they work - the high fees are selective so only rich can go (or occasionally brighter kids and that is only to keep the reputation, not out of kindness).

It's not nice being on the other side is it?

why don’t you apply for a bursary then? Ours offers up to 100% of the fees. No need to be bitter, anyone can apply.

Even with a bursary: they are not "free". You make it sound as if anyone can just rock up and get a free education from a private school, if they just apply.

At the schools I worked in, the extras cost loads and then the school would bill the parents lots, eg technology projects. Is that covered by a bursary?

I recently retired from my job in an independent school where for many years I was responsible for admissions.

While many such schools are suffering a fall in numbers and increasing costs, so theoretically want 'bums on seats' and might view 50% fee income as better than none in a year group with space (ie teacher etc costs already covered) they typically will not simply allow you to haggle with them or be rewarded for having the nerve to ask.

I can't speak for all schools but in my experience they do ask for very comprehensive financial disclosure (inc from exes, grandparents etc). They'll want to know about any holiday homes, sources of income or parental help, how much you typically spend on groceries and holidays and so on. In great detail.

Most subcontract this process (paperwork, interviews, online search etc) to a third party that does nothing but bursary assessments.

Schools are understandably also wary of annoying those parents paying full fees and often struggling themselves without asking for a handout. While school admin staff treat any bursary arrangements in confidence, word gets out in parent WhatsApp groups and many would object to subsidising other families who are seen to have roughly similar financial circumstances.

You've admitted you'd send your DD anyway, so by definition you can afford it; I'd be very surprised if any award were made in your favour. You wouldn't be the only parent who essentially and understandably would rather pay less, but that's not sufficient reason for you to receive money off in my experience.

@Flatinbed should you have been working in private schools if this is your political attitude?!

@Flatinbed you want it all ways though.. you just told me I was on the other side of it and couldn’t afford it, now you are saying that even a bursary wouldn’t be suitable because they don’t pay all the fees.

Again I ask why you worked in private schools if this is your attitude? Was it the easier classes by any chance… hmm

Yes, I have now gathered that...

I looked up the school a friend's sons go to, and it is just over £21k a term. Then I looked up another school that another friend's daughter goes to and that is also over £20k a term.

Then you have to pay for activities, music lessons, exam entries, school trips etc... on top of that.

Hence I concluded around £60k a year.

Their children are all termly boarders though.

You want your daughter to go to this school because you had a great experience. She might have a great experience and be happy at state school.

If you invest this money for her each year you could easily buy her todays equivalent of a half million home mortgage free, when she is ready, and she would be set up for life.

Getting a good degree from a good uni is no guarantee of a decent job now.

That’s a pragmatic view rather than a political one.

I wouldn't choose private schooling myself, having been in the shitty position of scholarship girl myself back in the day. But if it's important to you then why are you being so wet about your options? Get in touch, ask if your dd can be considered for academic/sports/music scholarships, ask about means-tested bursaries, ask if your status as alumna would qualify you for a discount, and ask about payment plans. No one here can tell you anything that the bursar can't tell you better. If it all adds up to a big fat no, you could look at remortgaging or roping grandparents into setting up a trust or something, or throw yourself on the mercy of your ex, or get a better paying job. Or just slum it in the state system with the rest of us. In my experience, a bright child will do well anywhere, a child with SEN needs will be better supported in the state system, and almost all children will be better prepared to engage with real people in the real world if they have their corners rubbed off in a state school. Just my humble opinion though.

Your child could just go to normal school though. Most people seem to cope with it. The ‘only private will do’ attitude makes you sound incredibly up yourself.
Save your money and give your DD some incredible extra curricular activities instead - or if she really must go private, downsize your £600k home. 🙄

For a bursary one of the questions I have had is why can you not downsize your property. I live in a small 1970s house three bedrooms and a boy and a girl. You are expected to sacrifice a lot e.g. my daughter couldn’t have driving lessons, my son can’t go on the 1st XV rugby trip, we have old cars, no new carpets for 12 years, and no family holiday abroad for three years. VAT has crippled us and we only have one year to go - thankfully!

Does your application mean you maintain your current lifestyle or show sacrifice? That’s what you need to think about before applying for a bursary. Even with sacrifice of lifestyle, you still might not get it. You also usually have to apply just before Christmas or after for the following year. The only time a bursary out with this is considered is if a parent loses their job and the pupil is at risk of being removed from the school due to cost.

Are you factoring in annual fee increases? They average about 10% per year. There is no two ways about it, private school is fucking expensive.

I am in a similar position to you but with a much bigger mortgage and never thought to ask for a discount, and I'd be mightly pissed off if I found out someone got one tbh!

To be honest people who's kids go to private school are ALL going to be on good salaries. Someone on minimum wage isn't going to be able to consider private school at all unless the school do full bursaries. You have no idea what their thresholds are for what amount of help unless you ask.

You sound so out of touch saying you’re not wealthy because you drive a 2017 (thinking that’s old!) car and that you have to work full time. So do most people! You and your ex earn over 100k combined and you only have a very small mortgage. You are doing more than ok in life and I’m struggling to see what “circumstances” you’d be explaining to the head when you have a meeting.

You can afford the fees, you just don’t want to have to pay them. That’s it.

Saying you could prove that you work full time to save for fees isn’t going to get you a discount. That’s literally how bills work. You do a job to earn money and then pay your bills. That isn’t some great hardship that you’re doing that everybody else isn’t.

It’s not really a political attitude though. It’s reality : you can’t afford private school.

@TwinklySquid I’m talking about the comment about it not being nice on the other side! Not exactly the words of a decent private school employee.

i am confused though… some saying we are far too well off to ask for a bursary and some saying we can’t afford it. Which is it?!

We made the choice to send our son to private school. We looked at the bursary options but that seemed to intrusive for us. The school might be affiliated with some of the school fees options where they pay the fees and you pay them it over a loan basis on a longer term. Our school wasn’t part of this scheme. So we have done some equity release to afford it. It’s been the best decision as we have a happier child. The school is a mix of parents wealth wise but most are lovely

You’re not really ‘on the other side’ though because you say you could afford the fees if you had to, you just don’t want to. Is that what stings?

You can afford it if you use what you have. You have £500,000 equity in your home with £100,000 left on the mortgage. Take home pay of £10,000. That is a decent financial position and not what I personally think a bursary should be for if it’s based on financial need.

Friends have just gone through this, and they ended up remortgaging as they had similar equity. The school wouldn’t look at supporting them with that level of asset and I suspect this one won’t either. Nor should they.