Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

[Inftsouthwest]

I’m in my 40s and me and my brother went a private school throughout, obviously many years ago. I also have some connections with the school as a couple of relatives (though now passed) used to work there.

Me and ex recently split and I have moved back to the area. Prior to split we were in a position to afford school fees with relative ease. Now we have split and with the added vat, it is going to be a struggle.

For context my take home pay is 4,500 and ex is 5,600.

I thought of going to the new headmaster and asking if he would honour some sort of discount for DD. Nothing major but perhaps even 10% or something.

Would I be completely embarrassing myself here? I know private school is a controversial topic but I absolutely adored school and feel strongly about the wider experiences young people have with private education. I know I can express this with passion, because it’s completely true for me that I really believe in the system.

We would probably send her regardless of a reduction but as above it would be hard.

Came here to say this. Fees are the least of your problems because if she gets in, you're facing 10+ years of feeling inadequate compared to her friends families. It's not a pleasant way to grow up. There are countless threads on MN about parents who are ashamed of reciprocating play dates or not being able to afford birthday parties.

Most PS families are perfectly nice and won't judge a child based on their finances. However you cannot escape the "culture" of families who can easily afford 25K without a discount or bursary. Your daughter will be friends with girls who have skiing lessons, tennis classes, horseback riding, all the latest toys and gadgets, along with grandparents on both sides who are probably eye wateringly wealthy.

It's simply the reality of many people's lives and they're not actively being snobby or showing off. There's nobody to show off to if everyone else has the same level of wealth so the lifestyle factors are just normal things to discuss or partake in.

FWIW, we go to private school and haven't heard a single family moaning about the heatwave. Everyone has fancy homes with air-conditioning so talking about the weather is irrelevant.

You say you aren’t wealthy but between you and ex husband you have net income of 120k. That must be about 200k gross!?!?

Average people’s gross is about a third of your net income.

get real

Have you looked into what a scholarship means at the schools you’re considering?

Scholarships are often more about the recognition, or additional opportunities, rather than a financial benefit.

eg. Music scholarship = 1 instrument lesson per week plus additional enrichment opportunities.

Sport scholarship = a place on the development pathway

Academic scholarship = enrichment lectures and trips.

10 years ago children I know were offered 10% reduction per scholarship, up to a maximum of 30% but that sort of reduction doesn’t seem anything like as readily available.

However, I’ve known bursaries of up to 65% in some circumstances.

Private education really hasn't helped you if you can't get your head around this.

But yes, please go private. Get other private school parents to subsidise your child.

One of my cleaning clients is a 16 year old girl who has her own loft studio apartment. It was just a bedroom but when she was about to start year 10, her parents renovated it so she has pretty much a complete living space up there.

They have a full time housekeeper, but she has literally raised this girl and isnt about to clean up her room after her on top of all the other housekeeping. Therefore, I am her cleaner for that area. I go once a week and clean it top to bottom as well as some laundry tasks. That costs her parents £100 on top of their housekeeping fees and her school fees.

They holiday about 5 times a year.

I can honestly say that this girl isnt a princess or a brat of any kind. She's lovely. But this is their standard of living. This is what she is accustomed to. It isnt unusual to her friends either. They may not have their own cleaner, but they have similar luxuries that are a normal part of life for them.

We are a VERY normal working class couple, household income would never cover private school fees - but DC got an scholarship off the back of entrance exam results and the level of sports they were at (that in itself had a set discount) We didn’t apply for a bursary as such, but were clear that without additional help on top of the sports discount it couldn’t happen. After the exam they made us an offer.

It’s always worth asking, they clearly have wiggle room if they want you for whatever reason.

ETA … DC had no issue fitting in due to us not being seen as wealthy enough, has many lasting friendships and loved their school days

Quite - if not actually willing to make some sacrifices, I'd question how much OP actually believes in the value of what's on offer here. Though, since OP says We would probably send her regardless of a reduction, it seems straightforward that, yes, they can afford to pay the fees, and ultimately would make whatever adjustments were required to free up some cash, but would prefer that any inconvenience and financial pain involved fell on the school (and its various sources of funding, including other parents), than on themselves. But yes, it looks like would be embarrassing oneself to go seeking assistance from the school in this situation.

Income wise the OP alone would definitely qualify for some school bursaries, it’s just the house equity which could be a problem. You should just ask the school OP

Apply for the bursary through the proper means if you are interested and they will tell you if you qualify. I think it depends on the school.

We looked at going down this route as we were strongly considering private. It would have been a real stretch for us and when VAT was brought it we decided it would be impossible. We wouldn’t have qualified at the schools we were looking at as we made too much money for the bursary (but not enough to pay full fees). Our child is in state now.

If private is very important to you, can you not take equity from your house?

Even on 50k many schools would rule out bursaries. Is your dd already at this school, if so what age? Some might support through exam years rather than disrupt education but at earlier stages expect you to decide to fund or move. Financial scrutiny can be intrusive and ask why you are not making more of assets and income potential.

Submit all your information and the school will come back with either a proposed percentage discount or a "no".
They do not share your financial information and they don't laugh at you. That's not how bursar's offices work. Some of the parents at the school may be earning very little with 110% bursaries, some may be very wealthy (depending on the school).

FWIW, we go to private school and haven't heard a single family moaning about the heatwave. Everyone has fancy homes with air-conditioning so talking about the weather is irrelevant.

This has to be very location and school specific. I know lots of people with dc at PE who have been moaning about the heat. For one lots are subsidised by the gps, they still have to commute, can’t all wfh etc

I think people who attend private school as kids have it rammed so far down their throats how amazing private school is - that they have a fear of state schools

There is definitely an element of this, I suppose it’s the unknown, and a very strong narrative that only people who pay for PE value education.

I went to a very good London state that has a lot of former private students transferring in for 6th form. Some were surprised how well educated we were and how nice are houses are etc.

If you are that tight to being able to afford it that you have to consider asking for a discount, then you can't afford it.

Why can’t you and DH just go halves?

You can ask but honestly I don’t think you will get a reduction.

I’m assuming not many parents earn more than you and they may feel that if they do it for you they have to do it for everyone.

How old is your DD?
I think that’s key as if she’s been there for years and only has a couple of years to go, then they’re going to want to keep her on.
If she’s also high achieving then they’re going to want her to take her exams there.

Can I ask what you and your ex do for work?
(thinking of changing careers)

Our annual fees are a little less than yours (but in the same ballpark) and you wouldn’t be entitled to a bursary - it’s annual income of £85k or less taking into account both parents. You can afford it - you’ll just have to make some sacrifices - whether that is extending mortgage term or living a slightly reduced lifestyle.

At that fee level you’ll also fit in fine - we’re not as well off as you but totally in the range of normal at our school - it’s mainly working professionals making some sacrifices for school fees or families with only children with a few “properly rich” sprinkled in.

There was another similar thread to this recently. Someone who had 800K equity but low ish earnings asking about bursaries.

To me this is madness. Why should someone who has worked hard to get a decent salary but hasn’t inherited a house subsidise those who have? Or why should someone who has chosen to overpay their mortgage get a bursary over someone who has saved the school fees?

Could you not downsize if it’s just you and your DD and it’s so important to you?

If you halve the fees with your ex is it not manageable with such a small mortgage?

Genuinely no idea why you think you should get special trreatment just because you went to private school yourself (so arguably are more advantaged than the vast majority of the population). Most people don’t go because most people can’t afford it. You are now most people.

You have half a million quid in assets and £4.5k a month coming in. Your mortgage payments must be about £600 a month max? And you want someone else to cover your DD's school fees? Why?

Yes of course they would. You have the money for the fees sitting right there. Remortgaging is a very common way of paying for private school fees.

Even if you manage to negotiate a discount (which is unlikely, but probably worth asking) of around 10%, private school fees increase on average by 8-12% per year. Have you done the projections to work out if you could actually afford this?

This.

Come on @Inftsouthwest. We’d all love to not pay for the cost of things. But you have the means in the form of equity.

You say you ‘strongly believe’ in private education. In which case, I’m sure you’ll happily remortgage…

I know someone who applied for a bursary and they asked for proof of all her bank accounts and her partners who lived with her (not the child’s father). They wanted to see all household incomings then decided she didn’t fit their criteria. It’s a lot to document and I doubt your income would allow you to access their bursary.

Private day schools are about £25k a year unless board are they not? So £12.5k a year for each of the parents.