Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

[Inftsouthwest]

I’m in my 40s and me and my brother went a private school throughout, obviously many years ago. I also have some connections with the school as a couple of relatives (though now passed) used to work there.

Me and ex recently split and I have moved back to the area. Prior to split we were in a position to afford school fees with relative ease. Now we have split and with the added vat, it is going to be a struggle.

For context my take home pay is 4,500 and ex is 5,600.

I thought of going to the new headmaster and asking if he would honour some sort of discount for DD. Nothing major but perhaps even 10% or something.

Would I be completely embarrassing myself here? I know private school is a controversial topic but I absolutely adored school and feel strongly about the wider experiences young people have with private education. I know I can express this with passion, because it’s completely true for me that I really believe in the system.

We would probably send her regardless of a reduction but as above it would be hard.

@HannahDefoesSpringFling thank you this is really helpful! I do feel I have set thoughts about each sector which are a result of having never been to state myself. The local state is really nice but has age 4 to 8 in one room. I just feel that’s far too big a gap in age for any children to properly thrive?

You won't be eligible for a bursary!

Yes, I'm surprised at your poor grammar, and yes, my final comment was barbed, but with good reason. And now to read that you "took a first" in "Literature". Me and my visiting offspring is in fits of😂

But I offered you some genuine advice on what you might do for your daughter while saving money on school fees. I'm not the only person on here speaking from experience and suggesting state primary.

And your only response was to big yourself up, and to say that your "wealthy friends" don't sit around discussing bursaries. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

So:

1. Don't ask for "discount" because it's vulgar. Oops, too late, already outed yourself. 😬
2. Don't hold out hope for an academic scholarship.

You cant afford it. Take them elsewhere

This.
100%

So you apply for a discount/bursary…. and they say no but you send her anyway. Not sure what they’d think of you if you did that as they’d know you’re trying it on. Especially when you then say she won’t go without the things your other rich family friends have.

Sounds like you can afford this, you just don’t want to pay. Have you spoken to your ex as they will want to look at all his finances too?

@Greenandyellowday how is it ‘bigging myself up’ to say my friends have never discussed bursaries? You seem awfully envious. It’s this sort of unpleasant attitude I want my dd protected from, hence the drive for private education, sadly.

@ThatGladTiger yes that’s why I was going to ask for a conversation about a lesser discount rather than the bursary route.

I was not aware that ‘unpleasant attitudes’ do not exist at private school. Your reply gives the sense of I need to keep my children away from the riff raff. I am hoping that’s not what you meant but it is somewhat disappointing.

You must do what you think is right for you and your child, and it’s clear you just want your child to be happy.

As I said upthread, I do think it’s embarrassing to ask for a discount but you must make your choice. Lots of other people have given other practical advice which I hope is helpful.

At the same time, a little bit of reflection on the fact that the tone and framing of some of your posts do not necessarily place you in the best light would be something to consider.

Best wishes.

If your drive for a private education for your daughter is so big, just pay for it instead of expecting hand outs in life that you don’t need.

Youve said yourself that if you don’t get the discount you’ll be sending her anyways so it just goes to show that you’re not in need. You just don’t want to have to spend as much of your own money. Some would call that grabby and entitled.

I do think a lot of the indirect benefit of private school is the huge value placed by the parents on education. Some people talk about the 100s of 1000s you'll spend altogether from Reception to y13 and "why not save that up and buy your child a house" or "why not go on big holidays every year instead" but that's the point, we'd rather spend it on education than buy our child a house or holidays. That value system gets absorbed by the child, and that's part of the reason why it works.

However, if, like op, you just see this as something else to fall into your lap, like getting a car on finance, then that value system will be absorbed by the child, who will doss about at school.

Envious, moi? Well OP, I'm not going to pretend that it wouldn't be lovely to have lashings of lovely spondulicks, like you.

But as I said previously, I'm fairly poor (compared with someone like you) precisely because I chose to spend money on a public school education for my children. It's a choice quite a few people make.

Schools don't hand out bursaries to people who don't need them. Parents have to prove we're willing to pay as much as we can possibly afford before the school will top up. As one PP brilliantly put it, "they [schools and bursars] want you on the bones of your arse" 😂

What is it you really want to "avoid" so badly by sending your darling little one to private prep and school? Is it actually "common" people you mean when you say you don't want attitude? 😂

From your posts, and your reply to me, it seems you think everyone outside your "wealthy" 😂 bubble is some kind of guttersnipe.

Because you'd be surprised how many genuine poshos aren't fabulously rich like you, and have children on scholarships and bursaries. Boris Johnson had a scholarship to Eton, and if that's not someone with an "attitude" for you, well.

The public schools are gambling, all the time, or every intake anyway, on whether bright but (relatively) poor children will repay the investment. Will they add to the school's academic prestige by getting stellar results and Oxbridge places? Because that is what attracts the rolling-in-it crowd (that includes you, OP, apparently) who (guess what?) PAY THE FULL FEES!!

And these are the kind of children (like mine) who raise the bar at public schools so that children like yours get an even better education and a hardworking cohort setting an example.

But you don't want those kind of children anywhere near yours, if I'm reading you correctly, because... they're not "wealthy"? Or, your school isn't that kind of school? Which urgently begs the question: what are the academic results like?

Oh, wait, you don't care about your daughter's academic education 😂 You've already said that.

In a way, I don't know why I'm bothering to say all this... You're not listening to anything that posters with experience of public schools are advising. You want to be grabby and treat the school like you're haggling at the street market.

Oh, and @Inftsouthwest all your posts have been boastful, whether empty or not, who can say, but yes, that's colloquially called "bigging yourself up" 😁

@Greenandyellowday I don’t know why you’re bothering to say it all, either, so we agree on that at least 😂

I am not sure how you can think 10k a month with separate homes equates to ‘rolling in it.’ My DD mixes with children from all sorts of backgrounds, but I personally find your attitude to education very distasteful.

I was one of those bright ones, plenty from my year group went to oxbridge (a quarter). But as I have said, no it’s not about the grade on the paper. It’s being in a happy environment as far as it’s possible to achieve that. Good grades all the better. The fact you can’t see that and instead mock a poser simply wanting the best for their child and their child’s happiness says a lot about you and I’m not convinced you’re on the moral high ground you seem to think you are.

I'd be wary about paying more than a year up front as several schools are closing at the moment and I can't see parents getting those fees back.

I have colleagues who are very bright with extremely bright kids at public schools and top London private schools. A lot of these kids should be getting scholarships and aren’t simply because the fashion changed to not offer a discount - most have some sort of wanky scholarship or letters after their names and no money off. The current fashion is bursary only and massive massive discounts for teachers’ kids. The next lot of professionals with bright kids and no scholarships are increasingly looking at grammar schools. I can attest to that as my DC’s attend one.
If you are in the squeezed middle you are going to get squeezed everywhere so you just have to make a choice accordingly OP. No harm in asking and negotiating.

We applied and were offered 15% off on similar to your salary. Still completely unaffordable although the school were quite pushy that they felt we could afford it. Not sure what planet they were on to be honest.

A class size that low would make me seriously worried about the school's future.

@Whyarentmysquashesthriving they offered 15% as a bursary route or just generally?

Bursary, after all the financial checks. I thought they were quite irresponsible to be honest, because they said "we think now you should be able to afford this" and we really obviously couldn't. We wouldn't have saved anything at all, for the household or the kids.

Bursaries aren’t really there so that you can save money for your kids. They’re there so that people can afford the fees.

Literally nothing at all though, not even £80 per month? To me if you can't put anything aside at all, then you can't afford the fees.

At our school bursary recipients would be expected to have enough spare cash to save something for emergencies, I remember our bursar saying he expects families to have a savings “buffer” that would cover 3 months of basic living expenses if they suddenly lost their income, and that should cover them if the boiler needs to be replaced etc.

But he definitely wouldn’t expect recipients to be saving for their kids’ future house deposits or whatever, and - as one of the fee-paying parents I wouldn’t expect to be subsidising that kind of saving for another family,

So I suppose it depends what kind of savings you’re talking about, a buffer for emergencies should still be possible, but saving for the kids’ futures shouldn’t be.