Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

[Inftsouthwest]

I’m in my 40s and me and my brother went a private school throughout, obviously many years ago. I also have some connections with the school as a couple of relatives (though now passed) used to work there.

Me and ex recently split and I have moved back to the area. Prior to split we were in a position to afford school fees with relative ease. Now we have split and with the added vat, it is going to be a struggle.

For context my take home pay is 4,500 and ex is 5,600.

I thought of going to the new headmaster and asking if he would honour some sort of discount for DD. Nothing major but perhaps even 10% or something.

Would I be completely embarrassing myself here? I know private school is a controversial topic but I absolutely adored school and feel strongly about the wider experiences young people have with private education. I know I can express this with passion, because it’s completely true for me that I really believe in the system.

We would probably send her regardless of a reduction but as above it would be hard.

OP you sound ridiculous. If you believe in the system so much, part of the system is expanding accessibility by providing discounts and support for those who genuinely couldn't afford it otherwise.

If it will be "tight" for you - then remortgage your nearly mortgage-free house!

Yes, they’ll tell you to increase the mortgage. Not sure why you think they should subsidise you when you have assets? Also it’s only 25K a year which is only just over 2K a month, why can’t you and your husband afford this on your salaries? Your mortgage only has 100K left on it so repayments won’t be high or just extend the term to bring them down further freeing up more cash.
It sounds like you can’t afford it or you don’t want to actually pay for it. But you could afford it by releasing equity in your home, if you apply for the bursary they’ll know how much your house is worth (and ex husbands house) and how much mortgage you have.
Either send her and accept you’ll need to pay for her to attend as you have the money / assets to afford to or don’t send her.

Also I didn’t go to private school and earn more than you 😆

A combination of VAT introduction and sudden long term illness causing a drop in income meant that my sister gave notice at her child’s private school. They persuaded her to apply for a bursary despite her having a high income and quite a lot of equity. She explained that she didn’t think she would qualify. She couldn’t extend the mortgage, had zero savings left and selling the house to fund fees wasn’t an option (complicated reason). The school said to should apply for a bursary anyway despite high income so she did and really regrets it, it was so intrusive and she found it humiliating. After several weeks she heard that they hadn’t qualified for a bursary. In the end she had just been able to commit to child completing their education at the school, but feels paranoid that she may have been gossiped about or that people think they are grasping (I presume it stayed confidential but she worries about it a lot).

I really doubt that you would get a bursary on the income and fees you’ve listed when your child would be starting at the school. Possibly if they were already pupils at the school and you needed to withdraw them.

At the moment the elite ones aren’t giving token amounts off to middle class parents like they used to.
It is either invasive bursaries or massive staff discounts. I know a fair few who go work there. Personally if you can’t afford it, I would just opt for an excellent state school plus top ups (hobbies, any tutoring if any subject teachers aren’t up to scratch).

Our income is less than yours and we are sending two to private school. £25k is not much at all, of course you can afford it. You won't be the lowest earning family or even close. It'd be, what, 20% of your gross income? I think we spend closer to 35% of our gross income on education.

If you really cared, you'd make it happen, like we do. Have a bike instead of a second car, reduce foreign holidays to every other year, fewer takeaways, etc. It shouldn't be hard on your income.

I’d be worried about the viability of a school that was so desperate for bums on seats that they have random discounts.

At our school, housing equity is definitely looked at when determining bursaries.

Remember that bursaries are basically paid by other parents (except at the handful of schools that have big foundations). Through a combination of donations and slightly higher fees for everyone else.

It’s totally inappropriate to want other people to pay for you so you can preserve your savings.

How old is your daughter? Are you talking primary or secondary?

Has anyone mentioned an alumni discount yet? I get a 5% reduction on my child’s school fees because I went to the same school years ago.

This thread is embarrassing, never mind the conversation with the head.

Generally the amount that is offered in bursaries still makes it tight for parents paying the rest of the fees. I've seen people turn down bursary places because the don't feel they can actually afford the reduced fees. You are expected to put school fees first. If fees are £2100ish per month and you are essentially asking for £200ish reduction, they are likely to expect other sacrifices first. If you are suggesting you would still send her, then you probably can make the sacrifices.

All schools are different, and there is no set rule. At some places financial decisions are totally separate from admissions. At others, they may be more flexible if they really want you. Same for the equity in your home. This may depend on the size of your home too. A 3-bed semi with a chunk of mortgage is probably considered 'necessary'. A mortgage-free 5-bed detached with land probably isn't. Where you sit on this scale will be for the school to assess.

It also depends on your style. It is true that 'don't ask don't get'. However there's a high chance the answer will be 'apply for a bursary then' or 'we give bursaries for those on incomes up to X'. Some will feel it's worth an ask, even if a long shot, others won't.

All you can do is ask, but set your expectations low.

However, think really, really hard about whether you want to stretch yourself so much for so long. And how it will affect your long term financial security.

I am just on the other side of school fees and while I am really happy with my choices, it was much, much more challenging than I thought it would be.

If it's only a 10% discount you are looking for, it would be much simpler to remortgage.

This has got to be a wind up.

You have a joint take home income of £120k and want a discount on school fees?

Pay like everyone else or send her to state school.

I can see how some could struggle to afford that if they had large mortgage payments etc but the OP doesn’t.

Between yours and your ex’s wages you can afford the fees. The issue is you just don’t want to pay them. There’s a big difference between physically not having the money and just not wanting to part with money you have.

You want her in the school, pay for it.

If you could afford it with 10% off then you could afford it with some lifestyle changes. So it depends what your priorities are.

You can afford it without though, it would just stretch you, so bursaries aren’t designed for families like yours.

If I was the head I would find it distasteful that you’d ask in your position with your income.

It sounds like you could afford it if you made sacrifices, eg remortgage your house. Or split the fees with ex.

You have £600k equity in a house. So in our school you wouldn’t be eligible for a bursary as this would count as an asset.
I get that you went to private school and you liked it. We all want the best for our children. Sometimes you just can’t afford it though.
bursaries are for people who genuinely wouldn’t be able to scrape together the fees, not people hi want to finish off a mortgage.

Students are offered a scholarship or bursary if they have something to offer the school eg very academic, outstanding in sport, music, drama. Does your DD have anything that sets her apart?

I doubt a school will just give a discount, they are a business. As regards the bursary, why would they offer you one with all that equity? If you are keen for her to stay then remortgage. You seem to be expecting others to pay when you have the money!

You’re a single adult household with a gross income of (I guess) about £70k. That’s not huge and sounds like it will require quite a big adjustment for you from the lifestyle you will have previously been able to maintain in a couple. Even with your income as a couple it sounds like you would have been at the lower end for affording school fees. I’d absolutely be having the conversation on this context about options to make sending DD to the school possible but probably with the bursar initially rather than the head.

My house is worth less and I have more left on the mortgage. I earn similarly and am paying school fees for two children. They both have scholarships (10%) but I wouldn't dream of asking the school for a bursary and would be extremely annoyed if what I'm paying was contributing towards someone who could pay but is reluctant to which is what this sounds like. In my case, my kids live in the smallest house of all their friends and we go on cheap UK breaks and drive a pretty ordinary car. There are various reasons we've chosen to cut back where we have in order to afford the fees, and it is a source of some stress in my life. That's the cost of this choice though - I didn't have to make it. I wouldn't ask someone else to subsidise it for me unless things change down the line and say I have to get my youngest through exam years and find myself really struggling on the final year. Private school is a major luxury and I understand that my lifestyle can't continue untouched while I pay for it.

So you have a combined income of £10k a month and half a million pounds worth of assets? You can ask but I imagine you’d be pretty low priority for financial support.

Oh and, OP, if your daughter is starting primary school I would recommend going state until secondary. That's when it really is worth it, it's what we did and I have zero regrets on that. It will give you time to save.

Yes they would expect you to use your assets to send her, many people remortgage to send their child to private school in your position, my BIL was mortgage free and has remortgaged to make sure that he can top up their school fees if necessary since the VAT was added.
In your shoes I would apply for a bursary if you can suck up the level of scrutiny but if they turn you down I wouldn’t then ask for a discount.
If you are turned down then you can either remortgage and keep money aside incase there are periods of time when you and your ex’s money don’t quite cover it.
Option 2 is to put her into the private school for key stage 1-2 and if you are in a grammar school area apply to take the 11 plus, you may find the school offers you a discount to stay rather than move when she is 11, if they don’t offer a discount, move her to a grammar school if she passes the exam.
Or thirdly accept that you can’t afford the fees and all the stuff around it. My Cousin went to a private school on a scholarship, my Aunt still had to pay fees and her and her husband worked a couple of jobs each to make sure that he could keep up with what the rest of the children were doing term time.
As a grown up he’s done very well but he has said it was a struggle growing up as he didn’t fit in with his siblings, all of whom went mainstream and he didn’t quite fit in with his peers at school because he wasn’t off skiing etc during the holidays because there just wasn’t the money.

This is why the imposition of VAT on school fees by the government is so unfair.

Ironically it only became possible because of Brexit but Labour introduced it!

It's a nasty policy that is born of prejudice and is now being shown to be costing the government money as the number of people forced to move their kids to state schools is higher than expected.

The projected savings that Labour promised are a lie as big as the infamous Brexit lie of £350m a week for the NHS.