Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

[Inftsouthwest]

I’m in my 40s and me and my brother went a private school throughout, obviously many years ago. I also have some connections with the school as a couple of relatives (though now passed) used to work there.

Me and ex recently split and I have moved back to the area. Prior to split we were in a position to afford school fees with relative ease. Now we have split and with the added vat, it is going to be a struggle.

For context my take home pay is 4,500 and ex is 5,600.

I thought of going to the new headmaster and asking if he would honour some sort of discount for DD. Nothing major but perhaps even 10% or something.

Would I be completely embarrassing myself here? I know private school is a controversial topic but I absolutely adored school and feel strongly about the wider experiences young people have with private education. I know I can express this with passion, because it’s completely true for me that I really believe in the system.

We would probably send her regardless of a reduction but as above it would be hard.

Yes, you are in a massively privileged position. You can’t expect to send your child to private school without sacrifice, either you believe passionately enough to believe it worth your life being harder or you don’t. Can’t have it both ways.

Private school is something you do when you have an abundance of money to cover it. Some of the people with the lowest self esteem are the poor kids in private schools. It's better to be at a excellent state school where your parents have some money for you to engage in their activities.

Yup

You should definitely ask.

However, being almost mortgage free and on 80k per year, plus your ex making over 100k, I had to laugh at your "obviously we're not wealthy".

I make a similar amount to you so know money goes very quickly (we live in London with 3 children) but it is good money.

Income wise you're in the top 10% in the UK, and this includes people with massive mortgages.

At our school we would expect you to remortgage. We’re not going to ask the other parents to subsidise you while you sit on £500k in assets.

The families at our school that have bursaries are in rented homes, or properties with almost no equity, they drive old bangers, buy clothes secondhand, and go on camping holidays. There are no luxuries and no significant savings, they are putting everything they can into paying the school fees and the school is reducing fees by just enough to make that possible.

But for this September’s intake we weren’t able to give any bursaries at all - the whole of the bursary fund is taken up by helping kids who were already in the school when VAT came in as we want them to complete their GCSEs/a-levels rather than have to move at a really disruptive time.

Well, yes, you should. It's hardly a good look to tell a school that you can't afford to pay their fees but you can afford a holiday or a nice car. They might rationally take the view that there are parents who need the discount more than you do.

Highly embarrassing tbh

If you are asking for a discount or a bursary, it is because you cannot afford full fees. If you cannot afford full fees, then you should not be going on holiday or buying a new car. Your money and spending will be assessed annually to see if you qualify each year - that only won't happen if your child wins a tuition scholarship. As a parent whose child goes to private school and who pays full fees, we don't go on foreign holidays, my car is 12 years old, I have a small house so that I can meet the fees. My friends all have beautiful big houses, new cars, and go away once If not twice a year on holiday but cannot send their children to private school. No shade here to any of them, it's just different choices based on what is important to each of us. Private school has however absolutely been worth it for my child as the school has brought them on leaps and bounds so no foreign holidays etc has been worth it. If you are that worried about managing the fees, why not take your mortgage by saying £50k to find what you feel the gap will be between your income and keeping your standard of living. If you are looking for £2.5k a year ISH, you are only adding say £30k to your mortgage - not sure what stage your child is at. Remember the fees will increase annually, school uniform will not be an M&S effort particularly for the obligatory sport so build in a percentage increase. I normally build in a 10% plus VAT increase to be safe.

you can still go on holiday if you have a bursary just a week in France self catering won’t raise eyebrows like 2 weeks AI in the Maldives.

Sane with buying a new car if needed. A second hand reliable car is not the same as brand new Range.

Not necessarily - all the private schools in my area are £18-20k per year including VAT.

They are going to expect you to be living on the bones of your arse. 20 year old car, no savings, no equity to release before they award you a bursary or discount. You can’t be living a life of leased cars, yearly holiday abroad, paid off house and expect a discount.

you either can afford it and you sacrifice some things in your lifestyle or take money out of your house. Have you had any financial advice? Some people remortgage and then invest the money to fund the fees.

have you gone through your expenditure? Why is your financial position now so much worse since splitting? Are you living above your means?

Can you afford up to £2.5k a month between you and your ex. That’s the question and only you can answer it.

and not all schools require you to use house equity although it does depend on your ages eg if you can even get a mortgage.

This response is what you need to take.

Just go state

I think people who attend private school as kids have it rammed so far down their throats how amazing private school is - that they have a fear of state schools!

You cant afford private school, your child is going to state school just like the rest of us. You will be fine, they will be fine.

I had friends from state and private school - the state school kids are the highest achievers as adults now.

I do think you are being unreasonable here. Together you earn £10,000 a month. You have £500,000 of equity in your house. I don’t think these are the type of circumstances for which bursaries are awarded or for which a discount should be asked. Nothing to lose I guess but there are many people who might want to send their kids to private school but can’t afford it.

She says they could afford it with 10% off, so they absolutely could afford it at full fees IF willing to make lifestyle changes.

The fact she’s talking about holidays and new car leases as being possible things she will be doing means she just isn’t willing to change her lifestyle very much to sacrifice and prioritise the fees.

I don’t send my kids to private school and no one in my family has ever been to private school but generally I always think “don’t ask don’t get”.

If this school does the school fees plan (check that this school does work with them) it means you pay in 12 months rather than per term so it spreads it out. I was a lone parent and I used school fee plan. OR ask the Bursar if you can pay monthly.

I'm really starting to think I must live in some parallel universe. "Honour some sort of discount..." WTAF? Is this how the world works and no one told little old me? I must try this out today! "Hi, my dad visited your shop once, I was thinking that might entitled me to some discount, how about 60%.? What off? Okay, that's what I thought you said." Talk about us and them.

I do think the crux of the issue is that OP doesn’t want to make sacrifices to send her DC to the school. I feel the same - I’ve chosen to use our local state schools and spend on lovely holidays for us all and set funds aside for DC house deposits. Bursaries / fee reductions just aren’t intended for people in my situation.

I think if you don’t even understand how private schools and financing them work, this is probably not the place for you. Sorry!

I completely agree with this. I went to private school and found it impossible to get my head around the idea that something my parents didn't consider good enough for me, should be good enough for my precious child. After nearly destroying my finances with private school I see how completely insane my thinking was. My son is thriving at state school.

There’s been a few threads of this nature in a last few months.

it significantly irks me tbh.

I say this as a fellow single parent with a ok income (nothing like your 4.5k) who has not chosen private schooling however I have youngest sen child that desperately needs the smaller classes and academic challenges that private schooling can offer yet I cannot even consider it nor would I expect anyone to subsidise me! If I had 500k equity to use, I would in a heart beat and still wouldn’t ask for subsidy!

i can’t get over your cheek tbh