AIBU to wear a floral dress my brother's girlfriend calls white to their wedding? Part 2.

[princesspicker]

Old thread nearly full. Some of you are saying if people had seen the dress straight away the votes would be 99% against me, let’s see about that. At least half the other thread say it’s fine to wear this dress.

From the old thread:

My brother is getting married in three weeks and I’ve bought a fairly expensive dress for his wedding.

The dress: https://www.hobbs.com/product/carly-floral-dress/0126-5675-9022L00-CREAM-MULTI.html

BD’s gf (bride) saw a dress that is similar to my dress. She saw it at my mum’s. It has a pattern but with short sleeves and some ruffle. It is one of my dresses and I had left it at my mums house. It is not the dress I’ll wear for the wedding.

She called that dress white even though it has a pattern. She told mum that it would be inappropriate to wear for the wedding day. Mum and I think she pretended to think it was one of my mum’s options, since it was clearly not something mum would wear anywhere.

This all happened because my mum was showing her all the dress options she had in mind for herself for the wedding.

When bride raised this with mum, mum told her not to worry because she (mum) won’t wear white.

Which is true regardless of if you say the dress is white or cream or whatever.

After this happened, my brother started asking everyone what they would be wearing.

Old thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5546975-aibu-to-wear-a-floral-dress-my-brothers-girlfriend-calls-white-to-their-wedding

I think ‚mum‘ is very controlling and OP is the flying monkey who has been groomed to always stick up for perfect mum or else…

OP get a hobby

You are investing WAY too much into this 🤣

BTW grooms don't do the something old/new/borrowed/blue. FYI you've made that up. Surprising given you've also made your own rules up about dresses and credit for paying.

Get a grip, grow up, get a hobby. Get friends other than your mother and stop banging on about a fucking dress.

OP, do you realise you are being very nasty about your brother and SIL? I honestly hope this post goes viral so they see it and ask you not to attend. This is no way to celebrate love, they need your bad energy away from them.

Avoid all drama by wearing a different dress. I bet you own a dress that isn’t white/cream. It’s crazy to consider wearing something that could upset people. You sound difficult. Your SIL sounds quite high maintenance.

PMSL at the idea that Kate doesn't buy new clothes. Yes, I'm sure she does wear things more than once, as do we all, but she is hardly trawling the rails in the Oxfam shop to recycle outfits!

Do what you want and don't be surprised when you are gradually phased out of your brother's life.

I can’t help but wonder if “mum” paid for the OP’s dress, that was actually the one hanging up at her house the bride saw, but OP doesn’t dare go against her mother, so she’d rather dig her heels in and say the bride is the problem. Maybe she’s jealous that the bride won’t jump through her mothers hoops.

Or maybe OP and her mum are simply vindictive and miserable women who think the son/brother should not be getting married to someone they clearly disapprove of.

It’s a very nice dress, but if it’s going to make the bride uncomfortable (rightly or wrongly) you shouldn’t wear it. It’s her day, not yours, and your history of cancelled wedding etc. and who’s paying for what have absolutely nothing to do with it.

I can’t imagine why you would want to put your relationship with your new SIL, and thus also your DB, in jeopardy right from the start. Are you sure you’re not being spiteful because you dislike her for some reason? Perhaps you resent her closeness to your brother? Be honest with yourself. It’s not a good look for you.

I just don't understand why you would want her to be upset. Whether you think it's bratty or entitled (I don't think she's either) she's asked for no white at her wedding. Like it or not that dress is white.

It costs you nothing to be kind and just wear another colour. You seem to be enjoying that this will upset her and put a damper on her day which I just find cruel.

On the other point your mum contributed to the wedding presumably because she loves and wanted to help her son not so you can both do whatever you want. If that was the case I hope your brother realises and they elope to avoid the drama you will both no doubt cause.

"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" - that is all for the bride.

It is pretty funny how back-to-front all your attitudes are on these two threads. I don't think anyone would accuse you of having any class.

Theres a difference between not new and ten years old, worn and look it.
My dh bought new shoes for our wedding 15 years ago and still wears them as his work shoes. They don't look anywhere near as good for a wedding now. It isn't about showing off or being a bridezilla old shoes would look a bit naff with a new suit or whatever your brother is wearing.
You seem very against the bride and obviously there is something between you that makes the relationship strained. Regardless your brother has asked you not to wear the dress that is similar to the one you were going to wear. Can you agress to do that for him?
Personally I think the dress you showed is fine and I wouldn't have had an issue but your brother and his bride to be do, is it worth a family fall out not to listen to what he has asked?

This is the second thread on this with multiple backtracking and changed detail throughout.

OP is not drama avoidant!

21 years ago if anyone asked me about dress code I said i would prefer it if people did not wear white or black.

My mother wore an ivory embroidered suit and said 'well, it's not white' and my then-BFF wore a black maxi dress with black bolero.

I confess, I was annoyed. Former BFF over time revealed herself to be petty, jealous, and had form for creating drama wherever she went. At her own sister's wedding she pretended to faint during the speeches. The most delicate ever faint with a gentle gasp and slope down to the floor with a neat arrangement of her feet. Afterwards she smugly crowed to her sister 'This ended up being my day, not yours'.

Similar vibes with the OP TBH. But then, I've only read all her posts on both thread.

the pink one is beautiful isn’t it

🤣🤣🤣🤣😀

In all seriousness, she might be a pain in the ass telling you not to wear it, but you are just being stubborn. Just change it for the pink one ( which is FAR nicer as a guest), and not causing family drama.

do uou really want this whole drama to mean you don’t have a relationship with your brother?
There’s a good chance wearing a dress that the bride may find controversial, means you and your mum are cut out your brothers life?
is that really the risk you want? Over a bloody dress?
just roll your eyes, get a new dress and move on. It’s not worth causing all this drama over.
it’s really not.

Imo if you turned up with that dress on, it looks like you wish you were the bride.

Its a fab dress for a registry wedding. Its a fab dress for a bridesmaid.

Its not a fab dress for a woman who cancelled her wedding last year.

@princesspicker apologies if this has already been said, I will admit to not reading all the posts. A good rule of thumb that was taught to me by my own parents (and has served me well) is that it is generally bad manners to talk about money at all. For example, if someone compliments you on your shoes, you don’t say ‘thanks they cost X’. Similarly, asking someone how much something cost is also rude. It is very, very poor manners to discuss the fact you paid for something for someone else, regardless of the context. It makes no difference whether ‘everyone knows’ you paid for it or if it is in a situation where it might be expected or traditional for you to have paid for it, it is just not done.

If I were at a formal event such as a wedding and someone starting telling me the details of who paid for what I would be extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed and I imagine that the majority of people would feel the same. It is deeply inappropriate, especially if it is a contentious issue and so is also airing private family concerns.

In terms of the dress, the gracious thing to do would be to find a different one. Surely you know that? It doesn’t matter who paid for what, or who’s being unreasonable. You are an adult and even if you feel someone is being irrational or unfair, in some circumstances you just have to take the higher ground and for God’s sake show a little self-control and discretion.

OP, it’s clear you are loving the drama. Therefore, I think you should return the dress, and ensure you replace it with something full length, white, lacey, with a train and a veil.

This is the only way you can be completely certain to ensure you offend your brother and future sister in law in the way that you appear to want.

Oh, just had another thought. For extra impact you could dress your child as your attendant flower girl.

Did your mum pay for your wedding that you cancelled?
if so, I hope you paid back every penny she wasted!

this is not your wedding, you are not paying for it.
you are being a brat, it’s not your wedding. Understand people do weddings differently and act accordingly.

you’ve shown you have zero manners. You’ve been told the dress you want to wear is not appropriate. Why continue to be a dick at your own brother’s wedding?

Oh,OP.
She is not just ‘the bride’.
She will be your brother’s wife. Your sister in law. The mother of your future niblings.

They ( they! Not just future sister in law) are not being reasonable. Clearly wedding hysteria has gripped them.
Do you really want to begin family life with her by deliberately provoking them?
Just exchange the damn dress for the pink version!

Oh I am certain that her daughter will be in a flower girl dress!

OP is clearly pissed off not to be part of the wedding party so she’s doing everything to look like she is!

Ah now things become clear. She didn’t ask your children to be bridesmaids or page boys did she. And you’re affronted.

It sounds like a desperate control thing.

The brother is marying out of the tribe in a way, and switching from going with whatever mum said for quiet life to acting in the interest of his new home and his own.
He didn't bother arguing about the shoes, but than realised he doesn't have to go with his mum's crazines.

Not taking OP's family as a bridesmaid/flowergirls is a part of that - not becoming part of the OP mum's clan, but becoming an independent unit with their own rules.

The only question is whethet the OP colaborates with her mum in this willingly, or is just doing whatever mum suggests. The talking about showing gratefulness and respect (when the OP doesn't really do anything for them) sound as parroting mum's words.

I think that’s a beautiful, classy, not in the least bridal dress.
What you should actually do in this situation I’m not sure . I personally would feel annoyed that I’d found a dress I loved but then might have to change. But then ultimately is it worth causing an upset over. I don’t know .

Re your mum paying bits for the wedding, we contributed hugely to our two daughters weddings. We did this.as a gift because we wanted to. It didn't come with strings or entitlement that it was OUR wedding. We did it out of love for our daughters. We helped with advice and did bits that they asked us to help ( we sorted cars and sourced favours after clearing it with one of our daughters).
And discussing who paid for it at the wedding is in bad taste and shows lack of class.
Stating that it's common knowledge that the King paid for his son's weddings is ridiculous. It was put out there because some people questioned if it was the tax payer and THAT's the only reason it was mentioned.
But you knew that already.