AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

Why do all these hen do’s have to involve an expensive overnight/weekend stay these days???
whats wrong with a spa “day” or a “meal” out

I think there is a massive expectation that people will want to spend this sort of money and unless everyone is really well off and can afford it I’d be speaking to the bridge regarding making it more inclusive.

Yes it should be the bride getting married should not ever put costs onto other people she is not a real princess just pretending to be if she has that attitude

I couldn’t go to the hen do of my best friend (and I was the only bridesmaid!) as she wanted to go abroad and I couldn’t justify the cost so someone else organised it. No hard feelings either side and I took her out to do something else.

I would tell her though that her desires mean excluding some of her loved ones and let her decide.

Ridiculous to charge people this amount of money and leave people out.

do something inclusive that everyone can afford

hen dos are out of control and obscene

I think if brides want a hen night/weekend/week, they should organise it. I organised mine and wouldn’t agree to do anyone else’s.

Are you going to cook meals for everyone?!

main character syndrome. Why does it need to be a weekend away? A night out locally or a spa day would be enough: not people spending a fucking fortune so your pal can pretend to be a princess

Why on earth are even considering it.

Give your head a wobble!

the bride really wants them there

Then she needs some cold hard reality, the little madam.

It seems a bit contradictory that the bride doesn’t want to know anything about it but has given you a “few must-haves and a location”

I think the location may have have been your downfall as it limits your flexibility, as was asking people what their budget was in advance, before seeing what you could actually get.

But I think now, you do need to go back to the bride and explain the issue.

And obviously if the bride’s sister doesn’t want to share she pays more.

This is one reason I'm glad to not have many friends. I don't have to put up with ridiculous and expensive events that suit them but not my bank balance.

Thank god I'm anti social!

YABU

Well I guess you’ll find out how much she really wants those friends there versus how much she wants that location.

If the bride wants a fancy hen do that involves a weekend commitment and spending loads of money then I’m sure she’ll be happy to pay for it.

Assume it's a 2 night stay for that money? Change it to one night. 2 nights away at £250 plus food drink and activities is too much money for a hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I think you need to tell her that the "must have" location and list of people don't marry up because you can't find decent accommodation within budget and see what's more important.

I know this has been done to death on here but hen dos have become ridiculous in recent years. The fact it's becoming common for people to decline them due to affordability or lack of annual leave is proof of that. Unfortunately it seems to have become the norm to expect your friends to fork out £00/000s and use up their annual leave for your wedding celebrations.

I hope I never get invited on another hen do again, ever.

At £250 for just accommodation you can guarantee at the very least another £150 for food drink and activities. That's £400. Not many people can afford that for a weekend.

When my friend got married her hen was perfect - we found a cottage that suites all our budgets for the weekend (£100 each). It can be done and doesn't have to be 5*

Why doesn't the bride chip in to cover some costs if she's so adamant about what she wants? If she could throw in £500 to £1,000 that could go towards accommodation (and you not having to cook meals!) then no one would need to be excluded. I think this would be a fair compromise.
You wouldn't catch me agreeing to organize an elaborate hen do in a million years!! I went for a nice meal and then to the pub for drinks and it was great 😬

250 quid a night for shared accommodation? Fuck that. Talk to the bride.

Bride wants to not know anything other than that she's getting what she wants. This puts the burden onto everyone else including you!

Transparency is your friend. Bring it all out into the open. Create a hen group chat if there isn't one, include the bride, and say 'right, this is proving difficult to organise as the proposed location isn't within a few people's budgets. What can we compromise on? Suggestions anyone?'

And you shouldn't have to cook. You're a guest too!

"someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride."

So she's not the kind of person who feels that excluding some of her best friends is a compromise?

I think she deserves the right of reply. At least ask her if she would rather compromise on location, quality or keeping it affordable to everyone. People don't like nasty surprises, but she might rather compromise on location than potentially miss out on these friends being able to join. Organising it doesn't mean you have to make all the decisions unilaterally.

If she doesn't want to compromise at all, or doesn't get the chance to decide, she may end up with no hen do at all. Lay it out for everyone. You're not a genie with a magic lamp who can work miracles!

Create a hen group chat if there isn't one, include the bride, and say 'right, this is proving difficult to organise as the proposed location isn't within a few people's budgets.

Not a good idea as she could potentially embarrass those who can’t afford the proposed plan.

I think she should talk to the bride and thrash out a more reasonable plan.

Bloody hell, OP, how long have been her house elf for? School days?

Crossposted but this is a better idea.

I think this is often how leadership works these days. I certainly wouldn't just book it and tell everyone tough luck. You need their buy-in or they won't commit and pay up!

So there are potentially 15 hens ("15 different budgets").

Out of that 15, 2 can't afford what you're proposing, and 1 (bride's sister) will be very unhappy because she doesn't want to share a room.

I agree with your BF, speak to the bride ...