AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

The bride needs to figure this out.

Or they could do what people did in my day (I’m ancient…) - nice meal plus clubbing till the early hours……… the local friends put up the out-of-towners for the night, and everyone meets up for brunch the next day.

Go out for dinner

When I got married years ago I had an old-school hen night - cocktails at a mate’s house, then visiting a few bars and finishing up with dancing. I also had a quiet UK weekend away in a cottage with close friends. Having a night out meant it was easy for everyone who wanted to come out and celebrate with me.
Your friend could do that? Have a simple night out as well?

"someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride."

Err, why not?

If she's expecting an expensive weekend away with 15 people - that's something that she's likely gonna have to compromise on! - Either by making it cheaper, or some of those people not being able to come.

You need to talk to her and explain the situation. You can't just book it and exclude people.

The bride just wants to relax and there are nearly no activities. So why does it have to be in a specific (and expensive) location?

You need to be honest with the bride. If you go ahead with this plan there are going to be drop outs pushing the price up further.

Are you serious?

You can't ask people to subsidise others that they may not even know.

I'm all for community and sharing - I frequently subsidise holidays for my own friends - but many of these people are likely complete strangers to each other. I would not be comfortable on either end of that arrangement (paying for others, or others paying for me).

If the bride insists on everyone coming, they should just do something cheaper that accommodates everyone's budget. It might just be a day trip or a night out. That's what they can afford. Those who have a bit more money to spare could spend it on a nice gift for the bride, or they could go away separately if the bride is OK with not everyone coming to that part.

When organising a group activity, you work to the lowest budget.

Look MNers tend to hate hen dos so you’re not going to get fair responses.
It certainly isn’t the norm to have a (main) hen do of just a night out with everyone going home at the end of the night IME unless you’re over the age of 50. Maybe 40 years ago yes it was.
Honestly speak to the bride but I think the way forward will be for the weekend away and then a local night out for those that can’t attend the weekend.
Those with the £100 budget is this just for accommodation or activities too?

Ask the bride what is more important to her - the location or the full list of guests?

Tbh it’s rare everyone will go on a hen do id expect 8-10 out of 15 to attend.
you could say to bride x and x don’t want to pay the costs . We can either look for a cheaper location or accept they don’t want to go. Do you have a preference or shall I manage it?

What is more important to the bride? Her friends or the destination?
A hen or stag do should be a day/night thing if budgets are limited.

Its very selfish for people to expect others to pay £250 for a hen do plus all the related costs of going to a wedding.

I couldn’t go to a hen because of money years ago. It absolutely sucks. I couldn’t pull the money from anywhere to even go and that was before everything else! There will be people who won’t pay bills or will put something on a credit card because of you, Id say don’t do it but actually I don’t know what the alternative is if people want to go away

I wouldn’t take on that job for all the money in the world, hen parties have turned into the most ridiculous faff!
Tell the bride you need help snd if she’s not keen then resign from the post.

This is correct in our case! Bride has family who live abroad who want to attend, friends from uni in a different country, friends where she lives now, me who lives opposite end of the country to her. Even if we did do a day thing, 12 out of 15 people would need to book accommodation so might as well make that the weekend

Sure

Tell the bride that those 2 can’t afford the weekend away, ask what she wants to do. It isn’t your problem to solve. If it does go ahead could the brides sister not share with the bride? If she still insists on her own room then I would again discuss with the bride and maybe they can agree that she can pay the extra- it would’ve be fair for those sharing to pay more for her to have her own room.

I agree hen do’s have changed massively over the years, but this is the norm now. It’s just for accommodation! So I’m trying to offset it by picking a nice location with free things to do around it where no one will need to pay for taxis or hire a car or pay for activities. The house becomes the main thing with maybe one paid activity and all breakfasts and dinners in

How ridiculous. I'm so glad I got married before performative hen dos were a thing.

"Friends" shouldn't be massively out of pocket/embarrassed because someone's saying "I do" to someone else.

What's wrong with a meal and a few drinks?

If you go ahead and then the bride is desperately unhappy that 2 people can't come then what will you do?

You have to tell her that this is unrealistic and ask her what's more important to her.

I think it would be shitty to organise something knowing that at least 2 people won't be able to come

I agree. I had initially thought to do that, but I know as someone who doesn’t come from money and has never had much of it that I would be embarassed if someone asked people I barely knew to subsidise my end and it would put pressure on me to pay the whole thing

It could be the case! I know one person is DINK with good jobs but is going on holiday the week before so that’s a lot of money in one month, the other person I don’t know well

I'd have a quiet word with the bride. Something along the lines of "Hey, I've looked for accommodation in X but unfortunately it's all out of Jen and Kate's budget. Would you rather do something cheaper or them potentially not come? Don't worry if you'd rather keep to the original plans, I won't mention that I asked you".

I've had to do this before and found that the bride was happy with something cheaper if it meant more of her friends could come but you won't know her preferences without asking her.

I'd also make it really clear that people are expected to share rooms. Not everyone is cool with that, especially sharing with strangers. Don't just assume, you'll risk more drop outs.

@CheekyTealFawn Where are you going and what are you doing? £500 for a shared room seems very steep to me, especially if there are additional costs. That's £7,500 for accommodation.

I also think with Hens that those who marry earlier than many of their friends get the more exoensive dos than those who marry later when friends have had a child or three and budgets and time is much tighter.

You need a conversation with the bride, people (future relationships) or personal wants - it's up to her and she perhaps needs a reality check. I'd be mindful that the hens have varying levels of disposable income regardless of earnings. Also, you don't say if the hen is inside or outside school holidays - there may be cheaper times of the year for it.

My DC are presently in the swing of weddings. They and their friends are pretty well heeled and hens/stags have tended to be a one night do, possibly with an overnight/cottage or reasonable accommodation - sports match, etc. And also just for their closest friends - BM/MoH, Ushers/BM's besties from when they were 8. Half a dozen at most.

This all sounds a bit champagne tastes with a beer budget. God help the bride when she's got two under three and finds out the cost of nursery.