AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

The problem is, I haven’t clarified any of this and probably should’ve, is that some of the brides very close family and friends are flying long-haul to come, so it’s a case of making a weekend of it so that it’s more worth it for the cost of them spending to travel

& oh gosh yeah childcare costs are crippling me!! DD starts reception 2027 so only one more year of it thank god

is it abroad?

it will end up being hundred
loads will drop out anyway.

cant she keep it low key if she wants everyone there?

Then they stay somewhere schmancy and the local Hens stay in an air bnb and join in for the main meal and activity. Run it past the bride. If she's not understanding, she won't be a longer term friend I think.

Multiple nights presumably. Because I’ve never ever spent £500 a night on a room.

It's not really your looknout to make it worth the travel.

The bride has given you her priorities and that's the people.

I would find a nice day thing, somewhere in the region of £100pp, near the preferred accommodation.

I'd then say the shared accommodation is £X, divided among however many attend and do a poll on interest levels. I'd also say there is a Premier Inn nearby at £X per night and people can put a thumbs up if they'd rather do that (and potentially save more by sharing a room) and ask people to indicate if they want to just do the activity.

That way way its in everyone's budget and includes everyone.

I think it depends on the sort of people you know.

A few of my colleagues (all well paid professionals without children who could have afforded a bigger do) have got married in the past few years (all late 20s/early 30s) and there was only one who had this sort of hen do.

The rest did just go for a meal or have a day out doing an activity.

The one I'm closest to and who talked about it with me at work said she and her friends generally thought these big expensive hen dos were a bit tacky and impersonal and preferred something smaller and less costly.

The general consensus was that they wouldn't want to put the expense on their friends.

Whatever you do get the money before booking otherwise you'll be back here stressing because people haven't paid, others have dropped out increasing the costs for those coming and you're on the hook for it

So basically Bridezilla has issued her orders to her Chief Minion...........

£100 for two nights is pretty difficult to accomplish. I would assume those people don’t want to go, but rather than saying so have given a low number.

At this point I would come up with a couple of options and share them with the group. If you do book shared accommodation everyone has to pay the full amount before you book it otherwise you will end up massively out of pocket. I would also state with the shared option no refunds.
Bride needs to know, organising a weekend for 15 of her friends is a massive big deal, she doesn’t get to stay out of it completely when compromises need to be made.

Bride is being U with her requirements and to want to know/do nothing herself. You made a poor decision to say yes to that!

Agree with PPs, take the options to the bride. Then a group chat, including her.

Is it £250 per person per night, or £125?

Also agree with getting all the money upfront before booking & explaining accommodation would be non refundable.

This.

Tedious.

This.

Wait until the wedding.

Then the gender reveal party.

Then the whatever else party.

Then the split up party.

On and on it goes.

Book a premier inn!

What a load of nonsense. Why does a hen do need to be multiple days and cost several hundred pounds?

I think at the point people are flying long haul for this, the accommodation has to be decent.

Is there scope for an option of people to join during the day only? My SIL had a weekend away with her bridesmaids as they were quite scattered geographically but family drove over to join for the day (paid activity and lunch out). Are the people with lower budgets having to travel far? That could be the reason for the lower budget as they have more expense to factor in. I would speak to your bride about it. She needs to either subsidise these two people so they pay what they can afford or accept they won’t come.

I happily bowed out of a hen do recently. The organising bridesmaid ignored people’s budgets and travel constraints and as others dropped out due to the high price, the price got higher for the rest of us. I couldn’t justify it and also would only have managed to be there for the evening meal and breakfast due to the distance!

Why do brides nowadays have to do such extravagant things, it’s my idea of hell. I find this annoying just reading it and I’m not even going. Glad I just went for a pizza with a few friends then cleared off with hubby and both sets of parents to get married in Greece, none of this over organising!

I think this is being made way more difficult than it needs to be. Not all your Bride's friends will go on her hen do. Not all of them would go if it were free! Some would rather spend their money with their partner/family, some would rather spend their weekend with their partner/family. Some won't be able to get the time off work. You are not going to be able to book holiday accommodation for 2 buttons - even if that is all some people want to pay.

Set up a WhatsApp group.
Hi Ladies, x's hen do will be 2 nights in Prague. The accommodation is £250 for two nights in a shared room (Fri 4th/Sat 5th July). Single occupancy rooms are £400. LINK to accommodation.

I will make a group booking for the accommodation. Let me know who you have agreed to share with or if you are happy for me to pair you with someone.

Please transfer me the full amount for the accomodation by 5th July. This will be non-refundable as per the terms of the hotel.
My band details are xxxxxxxxxx xx

This is accommodation only so you will need to sort your flight and budget for all meals.

Hope you can make it
Tina.

Then just do it. Some will come/some won't. Dont sweat it.

Unless you are in the USA, you are chief bridesmain, not maid of honour, although if you were married, you would be matron of honour.
Why do you have to go away somewhere! Are there no local options, where you can have a delicious meal, stay the night and possibly have massages or other treatments?

If the bride wants that kind of weekend, she needs to subsidise it for everyone. So she pays a couple of thousand and the rest is split between those attending.

These things seem to become so stressful. Presumably these are good friends if they’ve been invited to the hen so I don’t think it’s kind to exclude them just because they don’t have the money to spend in this way. To me the hen night is just a way to spend time with your good friends before you get married. It doesn’t need to be a massive event and the bride should feel special because her friends are wanting to spend time with her to mark a moment. It’s not like none of them can go away with the bride/do more expensive things after she’s married. Maybe just do something a little more relaxed where people can join for whatever parts of the day they want/can without it becoming a big deal. It’s not a slight on the bride if a friend doesn’t have the money just a fact. In addition I think a lot of people are impacted by the cost of living at the moment. I would struggle to find the money for this and if I had it would likely feel it should be contributing to the family holiday so everyone can benefit.

Aye. Break that Imperius, pronto.

I would put the idea in a group chat with a general idea of what other costs will be needed. I would then speak to the bride about who is saying they can't attend etc and see what she says.

Yes, you should have costed the trip first and then presented the costs. Asking for budgets now puts you in a very difficult position. If you had costed the trip first, you would have given those who can't afford it the chance to bow out.

I think the best thing to do is to put it out on the group chat and try to find a consensus. Is there an option for people on more modest budgets to join for a day or part of the weekend to keep their costs down?

I’m old fashioned probably, I think hen dos have gotten completely out of control and brides should be more considerate. You’re only getting married, you haven’t won a Nobel prize for science or brokered peace in the Middle East.