AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

I agree with this. Setting up a group chat to let the bride know that not everyone can afford her ideal hen do is awkward for everyone.

Speak to the bride privately to let her know that you've looked at options based on her "must haves" but if she's set on <insert location> then 2 members of the party can't come unless you all stay in a youth hostel.

I know you've said that the bride shouldn't have to compromise, but the reality is she's going to have to if not everyone can afford to come. That compromise might be some people not coming, but I don't think you should carry the burden of making that decision.

Just check with your bride her priorities, 'nice' hen or time with key friends. Because you can't always have both.

Sometimes a weekend is more practical than a day/ night. Lots of people have very far flung family and friends now, so most would have needed accommodation anyway so you might as well incorporate it into the hen planning.

But I agree with those who say they're should be a day only option for those who want it, can that not be arranged for the friends on a budget and the sister? Or could she stay nearby in a hotel?

Why not hire a really nice air bnb. Theres plenty of big ones

Speak to the bride. This should be her decision.

You don't want the fallout of making the wrong decision and having her be grumpy with you or the others being grumpy with you.

I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

That’s absurd, frankly. Unless the bride is paying for it all, of course she’s has to compromise. You can’t force people to fund her desires and it’s poor behaviour to try.

Exclude the people wiho can't afford it deliberately, you're nice.

I’m so intrigued to why meal is “meal” what are you really doing at dinnner when you’re supposed to be having a “meal” 😂

@CheekyTealFawn no you’re not BU. But why did you ask budgets you find a place tell the group then people can decide if they want to come or not- saves awkwardness.

I think if the bride wants all this she should pay towards it so I’d speak to her

I went away for a night with friends for mine years ago. I organised it and told them it was cheaper than it really was as some were skint: I paid the difference

I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

It absolutely should be the bride if she wants her friends there. They will already be spending a lot of money to go to the wedding. Making them pay more than they are comfortable with for the hen do as well is shitty behavior. Being the bride doesn't mean being a crap friend.

where the location ?

£250pn is a lot of money and many won’t afford it

be blunt and tell hen either she has somewhere less posh or she will have 4 people there

where are you on the budget front ?

def don’t book till told the guests the price

people will either say yes or no that’s too much

Bear in mind that if you’ve found a place already that’s £250 per head with everyone going, as soon as say 3 people drop out because of the cost, the remaining people will have to cover an additional £750 taking their costs now to £312

Are you sure the 2 can't afford £250 or did they just mean that they'd prefer to spend less?

Presumably the sister has to pay £500 for single occupancy? Pricey, but her choice.

£250 would be standard for the hens I go on. I hate hen weekends in general.

The bride has to compromise on her friends coming or the venue. She can’t have it all.

250pp Just for accom?? How many nights and where???? Fri to Sunday so 2 nights id be giving a no can do, especially if its shared rooms!! There's several 10-20 people rentals here and its around £1500-2000.for a.weekend. the upper end one has a huge games room and indoor pool!

I think what you're proposing is fine OP, as long as you communicate it well and are upfront with everyone.

First talk to the bride. Tell her you've found nice accommodation but it may be out of some people's budget. Check that's ok with her if it means some people can't come.

Then talk to the two people. Explain the situation, give them a chance to choose between paying more and not coming.

Couldn't the bride's sister share a room with the bride?

Don't just announce something beyond budgets. Others will inevitably drop out and the costs increase exponentially for those remaining. Bride needs to pull her head out and at least make a decision on what is more important - location or guests. At least others know where they stand if she chooses the former.

You’re in an impossible position and need to speak to princess bride. Are you all paying for her? If so cut that out that’s wearing very thin. And I hope it’s not falling to you to book? Have you sorted how that will work with people dropping out? You can’t risk paying until you’ve got everyone’s money as people will drop out or go quiet on you then costs will either rise for everyone else or you’ll be hundreds of ££ out of pocket. Honestly a night out is so much easier to organise than a trip away. It’s going to be so stressful for you chasing people for money and trying to please everyone and then offering to cook when you’re paying to be there too. It sounds a nightmare. Give your friend a reality check.

Ask one of the other hens or the sistee to help arrange. Pick somewhere everyone can go to, even if its ' grim' by your standards.

You will say you the place is shit, but some peoole couldnt or wouldnt pay more. They will feel like crap, youll get the blame for everything and probably get de 8nvited or ignored at the wedding.

Say you cant arrange it anymore, somethings come up.

This seems so sad. I cannot grasp why you would organise something which excluded friends because they had a restricted budget. I would rather do something low key and have the people I care about with me.

So you asked them their budget, then left them out of it because they couldn't afford it. Unacceptable and cruel.

Come up with something everyone can do/afford. That's your job.

bride needs to decide what’s more important. Sharing with people she wants or excluding them

This is what I’d do for mine as it’s what I want and Id want them there. But some people make bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. So who knows

Can you give different options for different budgets to the same place - some people come for the day and only need to pay for access, not a room, others can pay more for a single room etc. You might find that more people than you expect don’t want to stay overnight to save money. But the bride still gets a relaxing stay.

Speak to the bride. Old school friend and I paid between us for other best friend from school, as we wouldn’t have gone without her. But it was only £200 a head 3 days abroad, 16yrs ago. So much more now. I’d want to know if I was bride. Bride’s
sister can pay double if doesn’t want to share.

As someone said above:

I think she deserves the right of reply. At least ask her if she would rather compromise on location, quality or keeping it affordable to everyone.

There is such a thing as an impossible task so it's ok to cut yourself some slack!

Also there's a chance their budgets are on the lower side because they don't value this type of thing. I'd spend £300 on a weekend of my choosing, but not necessarily on a hen with a bunch of people I don't know. They might not care if not included. But might be difficult to gauge if that's the case.