AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

You are doing this for the bride. The bride wants her friends there including the poorer ones.

Most people can manage up to £300 but there's a couple who can only manage £150. Your best price is £250 pp.

So for the sake of giving the bride what she wants, you tell everyone that the cost pp is £300 and that includes a small contribution to the costs of the least well-off attendees. If wverone who can afford £300 pays £300 then the spare £50 contributions can be used to subsidise those who can only afford £150

Anyone who is nasty about that isn't a goof friend to the bride.

Im assuming @CheekyTealFawn that the bride is one of those who thinks the hens pay for her?

Group chat - talk to everyone.

You need to speak to the bride. She can decide if she'd sacrifice location to have the people she wants there.

250 for just accommodation is probably 500 all in for food, travel etc. I wouldn't pay that.

I’ve been (badly) doing the sums and 250x15 is over £4k.. for accommodation only?! And SHARING? What is she expecting, a castle? Penthouse in London? What’s the area? My thoughts is it’ll be all about the aesthetic and the insta.. is she a big follower of reality tv? @CheekyTealFawn

I’d the bride wants them there then you adapt to their budget and tell the bride why. It’s crazy how much emphasis/expense is put on hen dos now!

I disagree with this. Some of the people who said £150 might earn just as much but just not want to spend more on a hen do (sensible, and how I would feel). Other guests shouldn't have to subsidise that.

Don't do this. One guaranteed way to breed resentment before the hen do happens!

Sorry but this sounds ridiculous. You know two people won't be able to afford it, so will this then push up the cost for everyone else (assuming you are splitting it equally between everyone and even potentially covering the hens amount).

I think what you need to make the hen realise is what is more important - having friends who are happy to be there to celebrate their big day or having some fancy do that not everyone can attend and those that do might resent due to the cost, but that's ok as she will get her photos for social media and be able to brag about where she went.

If the Bride wants a specific expensive location, she will need to pay.

Is that £250 for 1 or 2 nights?

How many people is that between?

Surely those who refuse to share a room have to pay double those who will as they are taking up two spaces?

Do the house you found have room for those two, or will the others be paying more if they don’t go?

It shouldn't cost other people £100s when someone else is getting married, I think its as easy as that.

Here’s a completely crazy idea….how about all of you just go out for a nice meal near where you all live and maybe a few drinks afterwards? Because I doubt anyone that you invite really wants to go on this hen and spend all this money, however much it costs.

You sound insanely over privileged whether it’s true or not.

your bf sounds like a good egg and has his head screwed on. Listen to him.

Just go out for a meal in your local town like everyone I know.

Don't do this.

I wouldn't want to be subsidised any more than I'd want to pay more to subsidise others tbh.

The hens might not all know each other. Its a bituch expecting them to cover the costs of strangers!

Your boyfriend is right. Speak to the bride and tell her she needs to adjust her expectations a bit. I also think hen dos have got a bit out of hand. It's not just the financial cost but the time commitments too. Expecting 15 other people to give up that amount of time when presumably everyone works/has their own lives and commitments is also ridiculous.

Or two hen do’s.
First weekend away, or whatever the OP is trying to organize.
Second a night out in town.
Everyone gets invited to both.

Just arrange a meal out and a few drinks. Nobody in this current climate has £££s to waste on a silly hen do.

speak to the bride and tell her to cop on. I’m not able for the current trend of drama around hen parties I want to be able to go on a fun NIGHT out and then home to my bed. I don’t want to have to give up a whole bloody weekend or use annual leave so often it’s not the cost itself it’s all the other factors that stop me. The problem here is OP you won’t be able to please everyone. Regardless of what budget you come back with some will think it’s too expensive and others will want something nicer. You are in a no win situation here.

A boozy night at a pub and a male stripper was the norm before everyone became so bloody pretentious 😅

What if they don't all live in the same place? I've organised two and both had to accommodate school friends, university friends, family, hobby friends, work friends - only a minority lived where the bride lived (and I didn't live in the same place as the bride either!). You can try and keep costs down as much as possible but in that scenario some accommodation costs are inevitable.

I do think a lot of the time (on these threads and real life) some people just like to moan about hen dos generally. Often it’s from people that have been married a while and are kind of “over” weddings because of that. I’ve been to ones abroad for multiple nights costing over £500 years ago. Being an older bride in my 40s most of my friends were already married. I did a daytime activity and nighttime meal/drinks only in the local area. No staying over. It cost everyone £45 each and just their own drinks and travel. People still complained it was too expensive.

Listen to your boyfriend.

At £250 plus expenses the guests are easily looking at £450 which is a lot of money in the current climate. How many of the guests realistically can afford that? Bridezulla might need to realise if she wants her friends there she has something affordable snd shares a room. You need to speak her. Regardless jf she wants anything to do with it or not she needs to know her expecting certain things excludes some people

Honestly I went to one where the bride loves nice things (and loves her friends, but still wanted it her way). There were one or two friends who didn’t want an expensive place. The place we did to accommodate them wasn’t great, it was kind of tacky and old. The bride hated the trip, she was a bridezilla at the time and just wanted to relax and be spoiled, enjoy things she liked. Her mood set the tone. The hotel rooms vs a lodge took away the group feeling too. I think we all wished there had been a lodge stay in the end, at a nicer place and those who wanted it came and those who didn’t said no. Don’t feel bad, think about what your friend will want you to remember. If she’s a people pleaser then cheaper place, if she likes what she likes then do the more expensive one.