AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

You seem irrationally angry about this.
The op asked people about budget so she would know what was best to look at.
With your responses you'd think she'd committed a crime 😆

Just quote the higher price estimate.

E.g. if 15 attend it's 250 but 12 is £312 just say £300. Say if more people come so there is money left you will start a kitty for groceries.

Get the money in full before booking. I can't emphasise that enough. Then if anyone that doesn't follow through paying you can get the go ahead for a smaller place. I have seen one place you are looking at has free cancellation up to 7 days before but don't leave it to get the money - having to cancel 7 days before will leave you without a hen do.

OP, I don't have much practical advice but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely MOH and you have been given a task even a professional event planner would find impossible so please ignore PP suggestions that you have made an error. Hen nights can cause huge ill feeling when financial issues are involved. Can there be some bedroom sliding scale of cost to mitigate the financial inequalities? Could a less prestigious room cost 150 shared and the one who won't share pay 350 for a splendid room? There might be a bit of behind the scenes massaging of prices and bedrooms that could please most people. I think the bride saying she wants a surprise but then has the following requirements makes this hugely challenging. Good luck!

I was shocked by the responses I have to say

That’s absolutely awful, so sorry that happened to you, especially with a friend you’ve had so long! This sort of thing can bring a really terrible side out of people!

That’s why I’m trying to find somewhere where these costs won’t ramp up. Taxis, dinners out, drinks out, can easily rack up to hundreds of pounds over a weekend

Thank you 🥰 that’s really nice of you to say and I appreciate it. I had thought of this too about bedroom prices since it’s one person we need an extra room for, but gosh I just have a feeling everyone’s going to hate me by the end of this 😅

I would tell people the price before booking it, and include price of accomadation, estimated cost for food, entertainment etc. Only when you have commitment do you book.

I agree with this. I always like to high ball everything (even for myself) because then it’s a pleasant surprise if it’s lower. I know for a fact if it ended up somehow being higher because I’d low balled it, I’d pay the difference myself out of guilt and keep it secret but put myself in a financial tricky spot over asking everyone for more money 😅 so much easier I don’t get myself into that situation

Tbh OP I agree with you to just go ahead with it - and I’m not a fan of destination hen parties at all. But you’ve asked what budget everyone has and it works for the majority.

Only thing I would point out is food might get a bit difficult - I think you will need to ensure you have a lot of things you can simply open and serve - basically tons of picky bits. Making pasta or meals for that many people will be difficult. Prepare for late night snacks and extras too.

Only other BIG thing to point out, is you need a backup plan if anyone drops out and it bumps up the cost for everyone else. could you have it as a non refundable deposit and if someone drops out perhaps offer the place to a lower budget hen? With them just paying the remaining balance? Morally I’d want to return the money but practically it doesn’t work like that - been on a hen myself where I was sharing a room with someone (we all booked and paid for our rooms separately) and they dropped out (due to pregnancy) but they kindly still paid their share so it didn’t impact on me

I have no idea why people are being so nasty. I do hope it goes ok.

I've got to the age of almost 50 and never been to a hen do.

What I would add OP is don’t ask for a deposit, ask for the full amount before you book! Even if the location allows deposit.

So many threads on here over the years when someone has arranged a group thing, some of the group have paid the deposit and then have to be chased for the rest of the money. Don’t accept deposits, only full amount. Also be clear if they drop out they don’t get their money back.

Sounds really tricky to organise

If someone wants a room to themselves and someone else might be willing to sleep on living room sofa bed to reduce costs, this might help

Definitely get everyone's £ up front. And if you book a house for 12, I'd suggest split the cost between 10, in case only 10 pay up. (If all 12 pay, you can use the extra £ towards drinks / food)

If people drop out, no refunds. And you can't ask the others to pay more

Bright and breezy is the way to go. Be quite firm about what you're proposing and don't encourage too many opinions

OP, you can't please all the people all the time. Never is that more true than when weddings are involved! My big hope is that you enjoy the hen do yourself after all your kindness in making it meet everyone's requirements.

Some good advice here about getting all the money upfront.

Whatever happened to just having a local night out?
These bloody hen and stag do events are getting bloody ridiculous

I wouldn't book something knowingly excluding people, no. I'd also beware of people dropping out as that happened to one of my friends who tried to organise a foreign hen - only three guests ended up going!

I'd tell the bride that her choice of location excludes some of the guests and see what is more important to her.

I don’t think it’s being nasty. - more surprised at yet another Brideszilla prepared to exclude friends just so she can have an Insta worthy story to post. I hope she isn’t surprised if some of these friends decline the wedding invitation.

It was more how a few pp were addressing the op. She is doing her best trying to please everyone. But I agree about the bridezilla.

on one of the many previous hen-hating threads I asked the detractors how many expensive/abroad/activity/whatever else they were moaning about hens they personally had actually been on or invited to.

Answer were either none or one. Or 'none but my dd has' or similar.

Which I think explains it! Randoms getting worked up about something that doesn't affect them anyway.

They also don't seem to get the fact that just because the hen is the reason/impetus for the event, the amount you spend is not on the bride herself like some sort of huge debt someone else has run up that you're obliged to begrudgingly pay but primarily for your own travel, food, events, accommodation etc - exactly like any other holiday!

A hen is basically just an excuse to spend time with your friends - I actually find it interesting that on a site aimed at women, the idea of spending any significant effort or expense celebrating each other and having fun independently of men is so disparaged. Lots of women aren't in romantic relationships so their friends are their only option if they want to go on holiday with someone else - it's bizarrely old fashioned to somehow judge this as if everyone over the age of 21 should be settled down with kids concentrating on paying off the mortgage rather than god forbid having fun or getting drunk!

That’s harsh. Why is she a madam?

Where do you guys live we've done many girls weekends huge house with hot tub most of our trips. Anglesey Edinburgh Troon Sheffield Birmingham Ribchester Bala and its never ever cost that much. My hen was York. We stay in one night loads of booze and nibbles and dance and sing to cheesy music. We then book afternoon meal or bottomless for the next day. Few drinks before and after and always have a ball. We even book minibus to take us there and pick us up save anyone driving and the minibus alones such a laugh. Its about being with each other letting your hair down. It doesnt have to be a fancy affair.

If the £150 person is local could they not attend activities without staying over?

You aren’t going to get 2-3 nights in a room to yourself in a Premier Inn, plus food drink and activities, for under £100.

The person who had that as their budget either doesn’t want to come (likely), or does but is never going to be able to afford a weekend-long hen.

I thought that might be the case - the ones saying they could only afford £150 ish were probably thinking in terms of that being just accommodation, then a few meals out, drinks, activities, costumes, etc. and mentally budgeting for at least £500plus, not including their travel costs. Whereas if the accommodation is £250 and that's 90% of the costs it's a lot more reasonable.

Hope it all goes well!