AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’m the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m currently trying to organise her hen do.

The bride wants nothing to do with the organisation or planning of it, or to even know anything about it until the day arrives. Though( she has given me a few must-haves, a location and a list of people to invite.

I asked everyone for budgets before I started. One said £100pp for accommodation, another £150pp. The rest said £300-500. The brides sister also refuses to share a twin bedroom.

After weeks of searching I’ve realised I simply can’t find anything I’d actually want to take the bride to within those budgets. Everything in budget is either miles from where we want to be or frankly a bit grim.

I’ve now found somewhere I think she’d genuinely love, but it’s £250pp for accommodation alone if everyone shares rooms. This is the nicest I can find at the lowest cost pp. I plan to keep other costs down by cooking for everyone and keeping paid activities to a minimum, which I know the bride would enjoy as she just wants to relax.

I’m thinking I should just book it and tell people that’s the cost. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of excluding 2 people. But I don’t see how I can justify booking an awful place I know the bride would be disappointed with and potentially even disgusted by, or a nicer place in a more affordable place that she doesn’t want to go to. But then again, the bride really wants them there.

My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and should speak to the bride about changing her hen do idea so everyone can come. I think it’s impossible to cater to 15 different budgets and so someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride.

It's perfectly reasonable for people to have a budget / limit on what they're prepared to spend on someone else's Hen Do. If I was you, I'd discuss it with the bride and ask her whether she wants to (i) put some money in to ensure her friends can be there; or (ii) she'd rather do something different; or (iii) she'd prefer not to pay the extra and go ahead at the exclusion of her friends.

Just suggest a night out, like women used to do. When me and my friends got married, that's all we could afford, but we had good times. A meal out, a cocktail bar - I've been to some very enjoyable hen nights, before they became hen holidays.
However, it does seem like people have much more of a disposable income nowadays, and like to spend big.
You're not going to please everyone. Just put suggestions on a group chat, but remember it's supposed to be something positive, not stressful.

Oh dear god, what were you thinking? You never ask for individual budgets BEFORE you plan anything! Plan, give three options and based on votes you're done. I feel sorry for the bride for the awful position you have put her and everyone else in. Jesus!

Sorry but is the bride 12? She’s already getting a wedding that is presumably All About Her and now she’s said to you ‘organise me a party, I want this this and this but I’ll sulk if you speak to me about it beforehand?’
Insane. Tell her what you’ve told us and get her to decide.

This sounds similar to a recent hen do I went on.
Everyone was told “Bride and bridesmaids, mum and nan will be staying at Blank Hotel, if you want to get a room, it’s X amount if you say you are part of Princess’ hen do” via text message. We then got a message a few days after that “Hi all, Princess wants to go paintballing on the Saturday morning, which is X amount. Please put a thumbs up here if you want to join us - otherwise Nan/Mum/Aunties are staying at Blank Hotel, and going shopping/decorating Princess’ suite if you want to do that?”
The last message was “Princess is doing an escape room Sunday morning - if you want to come drop a thumbs up and we will add you to the booking - X amount per person, and it comes down to a max of £5 if everyone invited comes, totally optional.”
It seems to me if you take this approach people will be able to assess their budgets better and possibly still be able to come. I know on Princess’ hen do, some ladies only did the meal on the Friday, some people opted out of paintball. Some people (like me) did the whole lot, shared a room with another friend and generally had a blast. Just tell everyone what the prices are and let them
decide if they want to spend it

Not trying to be argumentative, but what difference does it make? How does me asking budget first put guests or bride in a worse situation? It was going to be roughly £250pp whether they told me before hand or not. If I’ve made it worse for anyone, it’s myself 😅

No need for an overnight. Just do an activity during the day or a night out.

This is exactly the plan! Nothing is required except accommodation. The one paid activity will be optional. Everything else, such as food, stuff for inside activities etc will be paid for by the bride

First post nails it. It’s really gross to make people feel uncomfortable about money in this way. No idea why bridezillas inflict expensive trips on their best friends.

She’s adamant she wants that list of people there so of course you can’t intentionally exclude two of them because you’ve decided anywhere within their budget is “grim” which I don’t personally believe. £150 for one night is quite a lot for a hotel. Budget hotels tend to hover around 60-80 pp per night.

Beside the by, I don’t understand why hens have to cost quite so much. I’d be put out at being asked to fork out hundreds to attend one.

How about this? It certainly would be easier.

Flying long haul for a hen do? is it right before the wedding? clearly cost isn’t an issue for those ppl.

It’s not a hotel, it’s a self catered house, so yes the upfront cost of that is more expensive. If we did hotel, we’d have to pay for all food and all activities out which would end up being so much more expensive. Here, all food is provided and activities are in and around the house for free, bar one for a couple hours one morning and we’re leaving it optional. If people want to stay in the garden and sunbathe then they virtually spend no money outside of the accommodation fees was my idea

Yes right before the wedding!

The bride can't say she wants nothing to do with it - that's ridiculous. At the very least she needs to decide where it's going to be. Personally I wouldn't bother - you're in a lose lose situation. Either way everyone, including the bride, will blame you if the venue is crap or if's amazing but too expensive for potentially some of her closest friends to attend.

I'm in my 30s and have had over decade of hen dos eating into my annual leave and costing me the same as a holiday.

I sucked it up when I was in my 20s because whilst I earned less, I had fewer responsibilities, although I had to decline at least one because I would have needed to take unpaid leave. I was relieved though because the chosen venue was Iceland and the costs were eye watering.

Now I'm in my 30s and have more responsibilities (parent, home owner) I wish even more that they would be scaled back. There seems to be an assumption that we (women?) have a "spare" pot of money and annual leave for hen dos, but the reality is I have a mortage, bills nursery fees, etc. Not to mention I need to use annual leave for childcare and spending quality time with my child (when I'm not working to pay for all these things).

I would hazard a guess that there are a lot of people my age and younger who dread the "Kirsty's fab hen group 2026!! 👰🏼‍♀️ 💒💍" WhatsApp invitation as you know you're all inevitably going to end up parting with +£300 to roomshare with a friend of a friend in Liverpool, go to bottomless brunch and spend the night in All Bar One because no other venues will host 15 hens.

food is provided in your £250 for a shared room budget? How much of that is for the food? And am assuming the “I don’t share rooms” hen is then paying £500?

My thoughts exactly. Plus, if people want to stay in a garden and sunbathe there are cheaper and more accessible destinations.

So do that. People who can accommodate for that in their budget will do, those that can’t, won’t.
That way it’s everyone’s choice and if someone can’t show up because they don’t have the money or whatever, then they can celebrate the bride in a different way.

They don’t pay anything for food. The bride is paying for food. £250 is literally just the accommodation

If there was in a place that was easily accessible for people flying in/can’t drive, then I would’ve booked it and I wouldn’t have made a mumsnet post

I think saying £150 for abroad accommodation they know isn’t doable. I reckon they’ve said it so they can use the excuse it’s too expensive snd not come!

So the £150 is a local based person! Those flying in from abroad have bigger budgets but thats because it’s essentially a holiday for them

Right. So what would help is if you say what the destination is, and we can help with other suggestions? If you don't want to do that, fine.
Just trying to reduce stress here.

Why don't you work out the estimated overall cost and just put it to them? Because they've not all answered the same question, even if you've used the same words to ask it.

I may have said the lower end anticipating meals and activities on top.

Someone else will have given you a cost with more of an all in in their mind.

Just say 'this is the best option I can find. It's a bit more on accommodation but saves us on taxis and food. Will be approx £xx each for the weekend. Let me know if you are in or out'.