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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

240 replies

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:02

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ofcolitas · 25/06/2026 11:04

That sounds like a very difficult situation OP and I didn't want to pass it by without saying I sympathise with you.

Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?

Loulou4022 · 25/06/2026 11:06

But he’s never done those things with you before. Don’t let the fact that he’s had a child with someone else spoil your enjoyment of it.
My DH has been married before but he threw himself into helping plan our wedding and we throughly enjoyed the planning together!! And never once didn’t I enjoy our experience because he’d done it before because it was our wedding together.

OrdinaryGirl · 25/06/2026 11:06

ofcolitas · 25/06/2026 11:04

That sounds like a very difficult situation OP and I didn't want to pass it by without saying I sympathise with you.

Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?

^^Important question

nomas · 25/06/2026 11:07

Could your sub-conscious be telling you that he is not the right man to have a baby with?

Do you live together and what is he like as a dad?

Does he spend one to one time with his dd or does he expect you to always be there?

Does he get sad if you make plans with your own family and friends without him and his dd?

Does he expect you to wake up when dd wakes up or will he go down and entertain her?

Does he cook for his dd or has it become your role?

Does he do her washing or do you do all the washing?

Does he go out on nights out or to the gym and expect you to babysit?

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:08

Sorry I should say we are married. We got married last year

OP posts:
Chunkychips23 · 25/06/2026 11:10

My DH has three children with his ex-wife. It felt like getting married and having kids would be nothing new to him, he’d been there and done it before. It wouldn’t be special, as none of it would be a first for him. It all made me feel a bit flat about experiencing those. I thought he wouldn’t be as bothered.

I was wrong. It was just as special and important to him as if it were the first time. He was just as excited and invested. He’d sprint into the room to feel our babies kicking as if he’d never felt that before. He would be giddy before scans and emotional during. After our 1st was born, he learned about breastfeeding just as I was doing, he read up on the latest advice and guidance around baby care etc. I’d often have to ask him to pass our baby back as he wanted all the cuddles 😂

Yes he’d experienced parenthood before, but he said it was all very different.

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

catcatcat24 · 25/06/2026 11:11

I’m in the same situation so following to see what advice you get.

I love DP so much but it makes me so sad that he’s already had kids with someone else.

nomas · 25/06/2026 11:13

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

Edited

Whilst I agree that ONS are common, I think there are some double standards in society. If OP was the one with the dd, she would be told that she should focus on her existing child and not have another baby with another man.

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:17

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

Edited

Well that’s why I’ve posted on this forum to get some advice/support

OP posts:
Wowsersbrowsers · 25/06/2026 11:17

But this is a totally different situation. He's choosing to have a baby and support his partner through a pregnancy and beyond.

Jennylongsocks · 25/06/2026 11:24

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:02

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

If you feel that way, leave him. You’re not even married and he’s “broody”. Gross. What man says that.

I wouldn’t ever be with a man who already had children and I simply don’t understand women who do.

drunkelephant83 · 25/06/2026 11:25

This will be different for him though because it will be planned, there will be more excitement than shock and you two have a good relationship.

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:25

Jennylongsocks · 25/06/2026 11:24

If you feel that way, leave him. You’re not even married and he’s “broody”. Gross. What man says that.

I wouldn’t ever be with a man who already had children and I simply don’t understand women who do.

Show quote history

I am married, thanks

OP posts:
Honeyhonay · 25/06/2026 11:29

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

You might say that, but the rest of your post clearly points to that not being the case. Your insecurities and dislikes would only be amplified if he had done everything ‘properly’ and lovingly with his ex.

dairydebris · 25/06/2026 11:29

Honestly I would give this no headspace whatsoever. Youve already married him and intend to have kids with him. Every time a sad or negative feeling about this comes into your head just push it away- lightly- nope! I'd put money in you getting over it pretty quickly once you fall pregnant. Your baby together will feel joyful regardless of what he's done in the past before he even knew you.

topcat2014 · 25/06/2026 11:30

Sounds like you are providing a loving home to one child already. You can do this!

ChocolateApples · 25/06/2026 11:32

A man I know who had one child with his ex (he is still actively involved with his child) said, 'I thought I wouldn't want to do it all over again. Turns out you do - with the right person.' He has two more children with his current partner.

notanothernamesurely · 25/06/2026 11:32

You can’t help feeling that way. But he made a mistake, he owned the mistake and did the right thing when a lot of men would have just walked away. You can’t blame him for that.

If you aren’t going to have the planned baby with him, it would be fairer to end the relationship because he wants more children.

RoachFish · 25/06/2026 11:33

I think having a baby with you would be an entirely different thing for him. You are in a committed relationship and it would be the first time he gets to go through all of the pregancy stages with somebody he actaully loves. Is it mainly the pregnancy stage that is bothering you, or is it also actually bringing a child up with him? The pregnancy goes by in a flash and you know what he is like as a parent now, so that is the bit you get to look forward to.

Jennylongsocks · 25/06/2026 11:37

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:25

I am married, thanks

Show quote history

Well winner of the most confusing OP post goes to… Why are you saying partner instead of husband? The answers will be completely different if you’re married or unmarried because it raises questions about him.

If you’re married then you knew what you were agreeing to and knew this would come around. I still think a man saying he’s “broody” is completely gross. And I couldn’t be with someone when I’m feeling “utter revulsion” about. You’re tied to his ex in some way for the rest of your life. She’s always on the periphery.

RandomMess · 25/06/2026 11:38

But this will be the first time he has a baby with someone he loves in a committed relationship. He will get to feel exited and prepare everything with you.

It will be a very different experience for him.

chirrupybird · 25/06/2026 11:40

It's a bit unfair that you married him knowing he wants children but have doubts you will ever want on with him. I think your thoughts are a bit irrational, I don't usually agree with endless therapy, but in your case perhaps talking to someone would help you to see that him having a child that he has taken care of really well shows he would be a good dad to your children. How the child was conceived was a bit unfortunate, but we all do foolish things sometimes. It will be nothing like the same him helping you through pregnancy and birth as it was when he was doing it as 'a duty' rather than a loving husband.

bohnerific69 · 25/06/2026 11:42

Having a baby with you, his wife, would be completely different to his experience with his ONS. He did the right thing in supporting her through the pregnancy but he did it for his DD. He wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t his baby. But with you, you’re in a committed relationship, it’s something you choose to do together and it’s one of the greatest experiences a couple can have (if they both want it) You’ve chosen to get married, did you not discuss children beforehand?

Teainapinkcup · 25/06/2026 11:44

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:02

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

Do not have a baby until this man has married you...