AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

I don't see how anything you've said about your stepdaughter's mother has any bearing on your decision to have a baby. What's the relevance of her social situation?

It's not a normal life experience but she's already married the man and committed herself to a life with him knowing his past and present situation. Her alternative is to divorce someone she loves and start again hoping to find someone with less baggage or never have children.

I wouldn't have started a relationship with him in the first place but she was obviously able to see past the baggage at that point and when she married him!

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I'd say that's quite a serious issue OP, you may not get the help you need asking on here.

I had a friend who dated a woman, with a similar issue.. if they walked down the beach hand in hand, she would get sad and he'd ask her what's wrong, she'd admit that she was thinking about how this wasn't his first time doing this, and how many other women he'd walked down the beach with hand in hand like she couldn't get the thought out of her head, it pretty much ruined any nice moments they had.

I remember thinking at the time it must be such a debilitating way to live, you can't enjoy your own happiness, the unwillingness to let the past go seems like a form of self sabotage, there must be a reason behind why she did it, but he never found out, she was incredibly jealous in all aspects of life, so they went their separate ways in the end.

The issue is you've already tied your lives together, and you've become a step mum to a lovely little girl. Who her mother is, and what their relationship was, should really have no bearing on your future decisions.

Maybe you have a dream of what having a baby would be like and all this baggage is ruining your vision of how it should be. I wouldn't let it put you off though. Having a baby/child/teenager/grown up child is a long-term unpredictable life experience. The good stuff is better than expected and the bad stuff worse. There will be a lot of imperfections.

Alternatively, it might be that you don't really want a child with him.

You have OP.

And to me you are reaching out because the whole thing feels wrong to you.

There are reasons we have these feelings, and your instinct NOT to bring a child into a situation you don't feel one hundred percent about is, to my mind, commendable. I wish that many others had your wisdom and didn't just hope for the best and plunge into procreation.

Having a child is for life.

Many things happen along the journey, and sometimes we have to take in our stride things that just happen beyond out control. But taking turns you don't feel right about is never a good thing to incorporate. Revulsion is a strong feeling and it is your subconscious really talking to you.

Why don’t you give some serious thought as to what never having a child with this man might look like and whether you feel that is the path most likely to make you happy?
If you still want a baby at some point then you need counselling. Your sadness at the loss of your idea of what constitutes the perfect set of circumstances to create a new life is perfectly valid. But you really can’t blight all your lives by dragging another child into this without resolving your feelings of sadness and loss. Having a baby is something you need to want to run towards! The fact your husband feels ready to create a family with you alone is a huge fundamental difference from the circumstances in which his eldest was created, use that as your starting point.

If your DH were to be hit by a bus and shed this mortal coil, would you be glad you had his child or sad? You would also no longer have visitation of his other child under that circumstance. Same if you were to divorce later in life. I think you are not extrapolating far enough out into your future to make a solid decision for your future self.

How old are you?

Is there a reason you’re so triggered by this post? Your reaction is extreme!

It’s common to feel sad that he’s done it before but every pregnancy and baby is different.

The feelings of “utter revulsion” sound a bit extreme though. You seem to be giving a lot of headspace over to judging the girl’s mother which isn’t healthy. I would suggest getting some professional counselling to try and unpick this a bit and find out if there’s something else underlying it which is making you not want to have a baby with him.

I think you are right to pause and learn into your intuition on such a big life decision.

You’ve already got a child in the home who has a difficult relationship with mum, possible neglect. Bringing another child into this situation will likely be difficult for her. She may feel pushed out?

It sounds like you are the primary carers for your stepdaughter, how will your potential partner manage conflicting needs of two children.

This will take some careful planning.

I wouldn't bring a child into a relationship where there was neglect, social services involvement etc. It's all abit dark isn't it?
Your DSD is only 6, her preteen and teen years will not be fun while she processes the trauma of being neglected by her Mum.
People need to start thinking more about the type of life they are bringing children into, sorry @Converselyit it wouldn't be for me.

I dunno. If you really love your husband, then I think it's worth trying to get over these feelings as if you want to be a mother, you can't guarantee that there won't be chaos with another man. You could fall in love with someone else who already has children. And I do think you're overthinking it all - your dsd might ask why she doesn't live with dad all the time, but there might be a point in her life where she chooses to live with you, especially as social services are involved with her mother.

Or it's perfectly valid to have changed your mind and want to make a fresh start with someone who doesn't have kids, or doesn't have social services involved however peripherally in their lives.

Sort of see where you are coming from, but also hats off to your partner for attending scans etc when he knew there were other potential dads in the picture. He sounds like a good dad from your post?
What i will say is that it will be completely different experience for him with someone he is married with, picking names, getting nursery ready etc, and im sure your DSD would love being a big sister and getting involved in all the excitement.

I do think you need to have a chat with your partner

You’ve only been together 3 years, are you married or have plans to get married?
I’d be wary of being baby mama #2 also…

Edited to say I see that you are married, it’s a different kettle of fish then. Still no need to rush though, and think of the positives, in some ways it’s useful that he has the lived experience to support you.

I would put trying for a baby on hold (no matter your current feelings) until things are more settled with DSD. Has DH ever asked for more than 50;50 due to mum's chaotic life choices?

If you do decide at some point to have a child with DH it will be different for him as he will be having a child with someone he loves and is in a relationship with. Am assuming scans etc were a tad awkward with mum of DSD

SD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child.

A totally separate issue….but did he actually see and understand the DNA results for himself because it sounds like she just told him he was the father, when there were two others in the frame ….(maybe because he was the best/most reliable option?).

I'm not sure if I fully followed in your post what the relevance is of DSDs mum situations. Don't get me wrong, she sounds like a nightmare to coparent with but I don't understand why you would prefer DH to have had DSD within a relationship such as your own if your fear is that he's done it before. Surely if you two had a child it would actually be very different to the circumstances he did it before in?

Also, are you sure you want a baby ? You don't have to just because your partner is broody. I would think meeting, getting married and becoming a stepparent within 3 years is already a massively upheaval of your life, unless you're very keen on children and time isn't on your side, what's the rush?

I don’t have a huge deal of advice, but I did just want to stop to say the following:

Every pregnancy, labour and child is different. Every time a parent has a new child they are learning new things that they didn’t know before. New challenges they didn’t have with a previous child. You and your DH having a baby together won’t be a “been there, done that, I know EXACTLY what I’m doing” situation from him. Every parent is winging it and learning as we all go along as every child is different and brings new challenges every single day. He’ll be learning as you go along, just as you will be.

You must do what’s right for you but just to offer some thoughts. I think it’s tricky to unpack all this.

He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes
But he did this not for the woman but for the child’s sake. He never loved her. Going to the scans with a woman he loves is going to be a first for him.

The other stuff re DSD’s mum is tough because it sounds like she’s hard work. This isn’t going to go away and I can understand if the thought of having to continue navigating this is not something you feel you want to do. I guess the only thing you can do is be honest with your partner and see how you can work through it as team.

You feel how you feel but he's shown you that he's a good dad and if he's a supportive co-parent to someone he dislikes, you know you can depend on him. Not many men would do what he's doing. I'm not saying he's a hero for doing that but it's still true.

Your husband had a ONS with someone who he knew as a teenager, and reconnected with (on a very basic level!). That ONS resulted in your step-daughter, and your husband supported the mother of his child through the scans, pregnancy and birth. No, the baby wasn't the result of a loving long-term relationship and planned. However, your husband did the right thing by his daughter's Mum....he stuck around for the scans, pregnancy, birth and presumably pays maintenance and is involved in his daughter's life.

There's plenty of men out there, in the same situation, who would have buggered off, and refused to take any responsibility for their own part. Leaving the woman to go through the pregnancy and birth on her own, whilst trying to get out of paying maintenance and having nothing to do with the child.

You are fixating on the fact your partner has gone through pregnancy with someone one else. The situation is entirely different. With you, his wife, it would be much more emotional, he'd be going through all those same things because he loves you and wants a baby with you. He went through it all before out of a sense of obligation and because it was the 'right' thing to do.

We tend to put Mum's on a pedestal, because we think women are maternal and nurturing but there are a lot of women out there, that have children, who really shouldn't. Your step-daughter's Mum sounds like one of those women, who will put a man, and what she wants way before their child. The child is an inconvenience, and they can't be bothered with parenting..in essence way too selfish.

What is it you're actually sad about OP? That your child isn't his first?

I think this is something you need to try and get over, with therapy if needed.

1. He sounds like a good dad, not loads of dad's would step up after a one night stand

1. It will be a very different experience, he hasn't done this before with someone he has been in a relationship with

1. If it helps you put in context, lots of people have more than one child with the same person. My second child is not any less special to me because it wasn't the first time we experienced all the pregnancy, birth and early childhood milestones. I'm pretty sure other parents feel the same.

OP, do you want to have a baby right now? It is perfectly fine if you don't.

My DH had 2 DC already and whilst in theory if you had asked me when I was younger that might not have been my preference but actually it was an advantage. Our DD got 2 siblings and he was really good with a baby. I think I would have been much more anxious with a newborn with someone else new to it but he was really relaxed and was, if anything, better placed with number 3 thanks to his prior experience. He does quite like a baby in fairness and that definitely helps.

I am not sure why the nature of DSD's conception is causing you a problem now when you have already married this man. Surely, in retrospect, it was a stroke of luck that this happened as it resulted in DSD. I think it would be worth exploring why this is bothering you with someone independent as even you sound not entirely sure why this is a problem. You are absolutely right to listen to yourself on this issue but I think a bit more thinking about why you feel like this would be worth doing.

We all have a past: I am assuming DH wasn't your only boyfriend. It is unusual for you to be happy to get married and then get cold feet at the baby stage, unless I am missing something here. You've had the benefit of seeing what kind of dad he is, which definitely clinched it for me with DH. It was kind of 'try before you buy' on that score. Not everyone gets to do that and Mumsnet is full of people who are dissatisfied with the parent their spouse became to put it mildly. You've had a preview.

I don’t think it would actually make you less sad if he’d loved the woman he had a baby with tbh. If you’re married already and want children I think it’s quite odd that you’re having this reaction - the options are surely eventually baby or divorce… do you want to leave him?