AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

It seems odd that you are blaming your DH so much for the chaotic life of his ex. Was she always like this or is much of her behaviour more recent? How well did he know her when his daughter was conceived? He, and you, are a stable presence in this little girl's life and surely would be the same for any children you have together. If you have a child with him it will be the first time he has gone through a pregnancy with a partner he loves and that he is totally committed to. It would be the first time he has gone to a scan with you. And if you eventually have more than one child you will realise that you don't love subsequent children less than the first or feel less excited about your pregnancy and birth and meeting your baby the second or third time around.

They are married, have been for a year.

The OP is saying how she feels about an important aspect of her life. Whether or not her DH is a good husband to her and a good father to his DD is part of the equation and I suppose you have to live it/experience it to see how things work for both of you. You can both have good intentions but it's how you cope as a couple when the wheels come off that makes a marriage/relationship work, or not. How do I know - because I've had a failed marriage & my husband had a child with someone in his 20s, they lived together. No plans to have kids but neither took responsibility for contraception and along came a child. I knew both parents, we were the same age - they split up when the child was a few months old & they hated each other - the child really suffered throughout his childhood/teenage years with a single mum & his dad moved away. Silly me married his dad 10 years later, whirlwind romance. He was ok for first 2 years but then the red mist appeared & I saw the true person behind the facade. Silly me wanted a child & so did he - so he said - we'd been married 9 years and time wasn't on my side. She arrived and I've adored her every day since she was born, I felt & still feel like the luckiest woman alive - except it wasn't what he really wanted, he never said those words but by god he showed me what a complete and utter arsehole I had for a husband, and he treat DD with contempt all her life to this day - she's 20 now. He's damaged both his children emotionally but he thinks he's king dick. I left him when DD was 4 for my own safety and sanity, and DD's, protected and supported her as much as I possibly could along with a man who told me the truth about my DH and rescued me. He is everything my husband isn't, he has 2 daughters to 2 different wives for his sins, he was married to both of them in succession and was in the same black hole as me. Sometimes the right person comes along unexpectedly and makes everything worthwhile, we've been together 16 years - both still married to our other halves because mine won't co-operate with his own divorce petition. 30 years we've been married this year but there's no love lost.

So this is what can happen if you make a wrong decision, or in my case a few back to back. Don't have children if the relationship isn't right - you need to be on the same page 100%

This!

It’ll be totally different for him!

AND you know how he’ll be as a dad and husband, don’t underestimate that!! Many threads on here are about useless dad’s and husbands being too selfish to be parents!

I think a pp was suggesting some therapy, which I think would also be ok, but posting here is maybe a good start.

Be prepared to have DSD live with you full time in the future, and that may be best for her anyway.

(Would have been clearer to have said your husband, indicated you were married, in OP, but you probably realise this now).

You need to get some counselling. Your husband sounds like a good man.
your disgust at the mother’s behaviour is entirely understandable. But you are projecting that disgust onto him.
and that’s not real.
Plus it sounds like you’ve lost respect for him because he’s not challenging the mothers actions.
But it could be that he’s just playing his cards right to keep her calm so he can have access to his daughter. She could be the type to lash out and withhold contact.
AND even if he did challenge her - would it make her change? No it wouldn’t.
He’s a good man who wants a normal loving family.
Try to separate your feelings about her from your perception of him.
He’s done nothing wrong. You have the potential here of a real loving and happy marriage

@Converselyit

I’ve now read all your posts.

I’m a psychological therapist with the NHS in the UK. I really would suggest you seek some therapy for your anxiety. You’re doing some very typical unhelpful thinking habits (catastrophising, over generalising, compare and despair, to name a few).

It’s really good that you’re taking bringing another child into the world such serious consideration, however I think possibly due to some anxiety difficulties that it is overwhelming you. The lens has shifted and it’s getting very real and serious for you.

At least explore this before you potentially blow up your marriage, and have another negative impact on a child life who has already got a chaotic mother.

I suspect your husband‘s feelings towards the mother of his daughter have grown that way after seeing how she’s parented, rather than him choosing to have sex with someone he hated those years ago.

And maybe it would be helpful to share some of your concerns with him, be honest about how you’re feeling. He sounds like a decent person and you did marry him.

Maybe he does need to start being more assertive and boundaries with the mother of his child. Maybe you guys should consider full or main custody.

Oh wow, thanks for letting me know 9 pages in 👍🏻

It sounds to me like your angry at DP and the mum for being reckless having unprotected sex which resulted in a chaotic life for your DSD.

I know this feeling from a family member who is an awful parent I do also think his ex knew he was awful but went ahead and had a baby with him anyway. I often think it's unfair that their child who I adore lives with the consequences of her crap decision. She's a great mum and makes up for him being a terrible dad in so many ways but I do feel deep down it was selfish of her to give her child a father she knew would be chaotic.

I try to accept it for what it is but when the child is upset at seeing her dad I think why on earth did you two make this situation for her to cope with. I could imagine you feel similarly and resent DP for the same reasons.

I'd be the opposite, if he didn't show up for his child. Deal breaker!
But you've done the hard part, you've blended the family. You love DSD.

Is it really you can't get over how your DSD was conceived? Or is what you're hanging worrying becoming pregnant and needing an excuse? Is it you've got regrets in your relationship and you don't want to add to it?

I think maybe talk to someone and try getting to the bottom of it or help you move on from it because of he's the future father of your child(ren) and you want them, something needs to unstick here so you don't miss out on the life you want.
Does that make sense?

Sorry you're struggling.

Good for you for thinking carefully about whether or not to allow yourself to become pregnant. Well done, too many women have a silly "Eeehh, guess what? I'm pregnant and I don't know how it happened." approach.

I think the fact that he is a good dad and supportive to his daughter says a lot about his commitment. If you love him, he treats you and his daughter well, then these are all good signs. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes chooses partners who are less than ideal.

All of this!

How would you feel if you and your husband took on more responsibility for his existing daughter - say, she lived with you for most of the time? It certainly sounds like the mother might be into it. And it would probably be good for the girl. And then some of your worries might lessen, because she would be even more part of your family.

If, for whatever reason, you need the father of your future child to be a first-time father, that is completely your choice. You just need to decide if that is important enough to you to mean ending your current relationship. It is a very tough decision but only you can tell if this is a dealbreaker or not.

I think you need to speak to your DH @Converselyit. And maybe speak to someone about your very deep feelings to see if you can reframe them. After all…your husband has shown you the type of father he is and the type of man he is in accepting his responsibilities, no matter the circumstances related to the relationship with his daughters mother.

Ultimately, having a child with your DH means accepting the fact your DSD’s mother will always be on the scene. If you can’t accept that, you and your DH either need to agree to no kids… or divorce.

Speak to a therapist who can help you make sense of everything.

You're not being unreasonable and your sadness is very understandable.

It's perfectly normal to grieve for things you hoped for - whether consciously or unconsciously - when you have to let them go.

I've never wanted my own children, but I sometimes still feel very sad that my DP had children with someone else. He will always have a bond with their mum and have shared experiences with her that I will never share with him.

I think you have to accept that these are feelings you might always have. That doesn't mean you love him or his daughter less, or that you won't have wonderful experiences with him on your own motherhood journey.

Be kind to yourself. We are all human and our emotions aren't always what we'd like them to be.

There's no right or wrong here as far as I can tell (despite some judgy comments!)- but you do need to be able to tell him about these feelings- if its how you feel, its how you feel, and thats ok. He sounds like a decent one from what you've said, and you may well need him to hold your hand while you try and have a poo after a baby (if you decide to do it.... definitely not speaking from experience or anything....!) So any embarrassment at the way you feel will need to take a back seat- might as well test the waters! Good luck. X

My partner has a son from a previous 'relationship' and I had my first baby with my partner last year. He was present for all scans and was excited all the way through. He has been so supportive, even going to antenatal classes with me even though he's done it all before. He was so amazing and we're expecting baby number 2 this November!
It is clear your husband wants and is so excited for you both to start a family. Don't let these feelings stop you!

OP - how would you feel if the mum was completely out of the picture and you and your husband had full parental responsibility?

I'm wondering if it is more the impact on your family life rather than your DH having a ONS which is causing these feelings?

This response seems insightful and I agree professional help is needed to unpick and move forward. Whilst I agree about the fear (it is really hard to be so entwined with a person who is unpredictable and whose actions you have no control over but impact your life) its ultimately resentment. Resentment fot the current situation youre in and resentment for possible complexities in the future that involve a new person. Resentment can be very hard to work through, but i suppose first you need to make a decision about whether you want to work through it?

A jointly planned and much wanted pregnancy and child is a completely different arrangement within the relative security of marriage, than he had before . Talk to him about you feel about the difference between your feelings as a first timer and that fact he's done all this once before and it didn't work out as a happy ever after, even though you have his lovely daughter in your lives, and ask him how he really feels about another baby.

I don’t really understand the problem. You don’t want to have a baby because he has a daughter from a ONS with a questionable person? Depriving yourself of children isn’t going to make the ONS lady any better.

Did he ever see the DNA test results?

For the OP, it might be like having a husband who already has 2 children not 1. The mother sounds a right handful of irresponsibility and maybe her DH is reminded all too often of his entanglement with her. Obviously when a child is involved none of it is the child's fault but she needs stability, she didn't ask to be born but by the sound of it her mother is a nightmare.

Obviously things are already strained between OP & DH, and OP is struggling to even look at him never mind have a baby with him. Of course he wants a baby to cement the relationship but somebody has to be the adult and not risk just bringing another child into an uncertain relationship.

I feel for you OP. Being a step parent throws up all kinds of complicated emotions. My husband had 2 children and a 10 year marriage with a "difficult woman" who always put herself before her children and we would always be there to pick up the pieces. The boys were tweens when I met them and I knew I would never be their mum but now they are grown I can grown I can honestly say it doesn't matter a jot. Children love their parents, but they also know when they are loved and supported, and now my boys love and support me right back. When my husband and I started trying I was filled with so many complex emotions about his wife and life before me, and the shock horror.... I couldn't even get pregnant. He would always have that with her, and never with me ..... I thought I would never get over that. But I have, I feel like a mum in all the ways that counts, our kids ignore us and take us for granted exactly as they should 😂 and we are the first port of call when they are struggling or need something.

Parenting/step parenting really it's not the label it's the feelings involved. If mum is unreliable, the kids will figure that out on their own. If you are not they will figure that out too.

One thing my husband always says about raising kids with someone he loves and trusts is how enjoyable it is having had the experience of raising children with someone he was ultimately not in love with and VERY different too.

We are now foster parents, a whole new type of parenting, full of all the same love and grief and complications as parenting/step parenting, I no longer feel less that his ex, or like they had something we never will, although I did for a long time, the fact that his sons look just like him and his ex no longer tugs at my heart strings. It has been a journey but I would say if you love this man and this little girl and you want children then build a family together, children need as many loving adults as they can get In this crazy world. I have 3 parents myself, a mum, a dad and a step mum, I feel blessed to have them.

I know my "step" sons are grateful for me, I am "softer" than their mum, more "easy going" they also have my parents as an extra set of grandparents whom they feel loved and supported by. Blended family's can be wonderful. Don't resent what they had together, what you will have will be totally different.

Good luck