AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

Sadly once you get to a certain age there are very few men who don’t have children/ previous relationships!! And the same for women, the world is going to be a very lonely place by your standards!!

Admittedly I can't get my head round why you'd prefer him to have done this before in a committed relationship vs essentially a ONS, but maybe I'm framing it as a jealousy when actually that isn't what you are feeling?

Do you actually want to have a child with him?

I actually would see these things as really positive. He really stepped up for his child, lots of men could do with taking a leaf out of his book.

I think to feel a bit sad is understandable (although I would hope you could move past that) but I am a bit concerned that you feel utterly revolted. Did you feel like this before you got married? If so why did you marry him and if not, what changed?

Lol what kind of shit men do you know? The ONS, sure - but no protection, maybe you need better friends?

Do you want a kid, just not with this man? (You haven't mentioned wanting to raise a person, just what your husband wants)

I'm childfree and nothing on earth could get me on even one date with a man who had a kid.

The decision is yours as it would be you risking your life, body, health, mental health, income and freedom time to gestate, birth and likely be default parent to a child.

It's all brand new because its with you and its another baby entirely. Even if you had more than one baby, the next will be just as special because each pregnancy and baby is unique. Your stepdaughter is also here as another family member to welcome the baby, be a big sister, what a lovely situation to potentially have to look forward to :)

I would feel better if it was a previous relationship and not a ONS, because it came from a place of love and reciprocity. My dad had a family before being with my mum and I never had any feelings like this about that. It’s because it feels so I don’t know, just like chaotic. I’m worried it will affect my dsd - she might ask why DH (sorry for wrong language…) lives with his baby all the time and not her, he might ask why DH never loved her mum? I feel so sad thinking about it all.

i didn’t feel like this before we got married or even when we started talking about children. I think with everything going on with DSDs mum (social services etc), I just feel freaked out that this is part of my family too. Like this chaos affects my lovely DSD, and obviously future children too.

I don’t have any concerns that DH wouldn’t love a baby as much as his daughter, and no concerns that he loves gis daughter (I wouldn’t be with him if he was a shit dad). I just feel like it’s a situation I never thought I’d be in and when it’s come down to planning a baby I’m panicking

Yabu. Husbands have often done things with other women before you've done them together. Had sex, been in relationships, gone on holidays, moved in together, got engaged, and in your case had a baby with someone they aren't in a relationship with.

You two have things that only the two of you have done though including getting married! This would also be the first planned child, the first time trying to conceive, the first one that is both of yours, the first that will live with you both full time. It would be a whole different experience this time for him and for you.

Are you willing to never be a mother because of this? It's fine if you are but I certainly wouldn't let it stand in my way.

Life can’t be planned.
I understand you; I’m happy that my children are also my husband’s only children, and yes, if you are in a happy marriage it is preferable, but there are plenty of things in my life that are just down to how things worked out. You make the most of the hand you were dealt or you change it knowing that you can’t know which cards are coming.

Don’t base your life on a fairy tale. This is a little like when some parents to be are disproportionately upset when their child isn’t their preferred sex. They have an idea of what they want, and it prevents them feeling true happiness in what they actually have.

It’ll be his first time doing it all WITH YOU.
His prior experience may actually prove helpful.
You have no worries about him still having feelings for her, he never did.
He’s clearly a good Dad who has always put the needs of his DD first.

I don’t really get the issue tbh. Are you sure you want kids of your own? It’s ok if you don’t…

Just wondering if you would would feel the same if it was your second pregnancy. Would that child not be as special as the 1st.

Every pregnancy is full of hope and joy. This time your DH will experience it in a loving relationship with his daughter there to share the excitement.

Then I think you should listen to that panic. Don’t have a baby. Have therapy. Talk through exactly what you’re feeling. It may be that this simply isn’t the relationship for you, that you need to find someone without a child. We’ve all walked away at some point from someone we loved because the circumstances weren’t right. This sounds like one of those times.

Those are all questions she could have even if they had been married.

That’s just the part of being a blended family.

Some of it her mum needs to do the explaining of in an age appropriate way.

Because no sane man is going to suddenly settle down with a ons with two possible other baby daddies. Let’s face it.

Yes she will likely feel jealous that the new baby gets to live with daddy but as I said that would have happened if they had been married or not. You decided to marry a man with a child that’s the deal.

I’m going to take a leap and say that there are deeper feelings there towards having a baby that you are having right now and the fact you’ve got a lot going on with DSD and her mum is just the tip of the ice berg and something you’ve put your feelings down too.

You've been with this man for 3 years, married and have known about his situation with his daughter. Life isn’t dream world unfortunately, and even if they were happily in a relationship before - a lot of relationships turn sour and can result in unhappy co-parenting relationships. My friend was married for 10 years and her ex is a total pig to deal with, with their toddler. One night stand or relationship, it really doesn’t change the outcome sometimes.

You sound like a brilliant step mum and you can feel sad for your step daughter but these feelings are separate to having your first baby with your husband.

I think you need to have a solid chat, maybe even a bit of counselling to decide if you actually do want a child.

Also with the ss involvement and her wanting you guys to have her longer don’t be surprised if she doesn’t become a more than 50/50 child.

In his defence the fact that he maintains such good contact with your DSD despite her mother being a bit of a nightmare makes him sound like someone who actually does understand the responsibilities of parenting, which makes him a unicorn on MN.

I think you also need to think that it is possible that at some point DSD may have to live with you full time. Which would change a lot of things.

YANBU.
You're unsettled. Probably due to the Mum and the way she fobs off her DD to you at a whim and with SS being involved. Is there a chance that DH could go for full custody of DD? I'd say there's a bigger chance of the Mum being a deliberate PITA when she finds out you're pregnant. And she will know - DSD will tell her (through excitement if nothing else).

Ultimately, do you want a baby with him? If you're not ready or are now unsure just make sure your birth control method is secure IYSWIM. Don't let him have an "accident".

People choose what they’re happy to put up with in life. I wouldn’t be with a man who had a child already, so yes that’s my standard. Mumsnet is full of posts by resentful women being treated like shit caring for their child and their husband’s (/partner’s!) children from previous relationships. It’s always women picking up the slack of kids that aren’t even their own.

I suppose if OP wants to avoid being lonely then she can disregard the revulsion she’s feeling and crack on. That’s very much up to her.

Life can, and absolutely should be planned.

Oh absolutely there are a lot of shite relationships about, especially blended families however if you find yourself single in middle age the chances of finding a a partner without ‘baggage” is very unlikely!! When I was online dating all the men I chatted to had kids or were exceptionally weird! and DH said the same of the women! He was very surprised that I didn’t have kids and was perfectly normal!!

Why are posts like this minimising the OP’s situation as a totally normal life experience? “All men have had relationships, sex, holidays with exes, lived with exes… oh and carry the baggage of a child from a one night stand with a woman who has social services involvement”

Christ almighty.

Well, to an extent. But not sure what this man could have done differently? Once she was pregnant really he had no option, he could have walked away but then he would be criticised for that too.

OP hasn’t said whether contraception was used or not, if not then yeah okay he should have done that, but beyond that as a man once she was pregnant I’m not sure what planning he could have done.

A couple of thoughts about this.

First, it’s common even when you have your first child together to wonder whether it will be as special second time round, whether you’ll feel the same excitement, whether you’re capable of loving another child as much as you love your first. But these worries are almost always completely misplaced. Having a baby- first, second or third- is always a wonderful experience and each baby is a different person. It’s really isn’t less special because it’s his second. And in terms
of your relationship this is the first time he’s going through it with a woman he loves.

Second, I wonder whether part of this is about your wishes for a “perfect” experience- a sort of Hallmark ideal of what having a baby is like. Well, you won’t get that whoever the father is. Every pregnancy, birth and babyhood + childhood is different and complex and pretty much guaranteed to have something sub optimal about it. Nobody gets a Hallmark experience- there will be something that’s difficult or sad or painful (even if it’s only sleepless nights and stretch marks). Part of being ready to have a baby is being ready for a reality that’s unpredictable and imperfect. So it may be worth giving some thought to whether you’re ready now or would prefer to wait.

Well there’s baggage and there’s baggage. A life lesson for young women: sort out your relationships sooner rather than later. And if you leave it too late, have some standards.