AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

Your feelings are valid. I would recommend having some counselling, either alone or as a couple. X

It’s not about what he should have done (contraception and not having one night stands!)

Rather, it’s about what she should be doing.

Hi op,

I know this isn’t what you asked, but i wouldn’t have a child with your DH because of his connection to his ex and her partner - social services, drinking and criminal record would be an absolute deal breaker for me when considering to bring another child into this mix.

Sadly the young don’t often have that maturity. I myself had a shit relationship in my 20’s/ 30’s and it’s only by experiencing that that I now know what I am and am not willing to put up with!

100%

In a similar situation (although I have a child with my partner already), and completely understand how you feel, however irrational it is on a logical basis. Someone on another step parent thread said something that resonated with me: it's hard being with someone who's already been married and/or had children, as your 'firsts' aren't their 'firsts', no matter how much your partner tells you otherwise. I don't know what the solution is - for me, things haven't gotten any easier with time. Perhaps therapy would help but I haven't tried it. I have started to feel it's maybe just a mindset/personality thing, and some people cope better emotionally with these situations than others. If I were you, and with the benefit of hindsight, I would suggest you think really hard about whether this situation can make you happy long term, or if you'll always struggle with it - perhaps speak to a therapist to work out your feelings. It's ok to feel how you feel, but don't ignore it and let it breed resentment, as that won't help anyone.

I’m going against the grain here OP and saying you’re allowed to change your mind. You can decide you don’t want to go ahead with any of it.

You’re not being unreasonable.

This is a sign that you should leave because this will never disappear. The affect of your stepdaughter’s mum on your own future children is a stress and problem you simply do not have to worry about if you are not with this person. This will come up later on and always be a potential issue.

Listen to your heart. It’s telling you something. The sadness is the grief for a future life you don’t want to have.

So don’t.

As a PP pointed out, it's OPs wants and plans that matter. All women can choose to date/live with/marry whatever man they want, and plan what sort of life that choice will result in.
Regardless, it's unclear whether OP wants to have a kid or not.

A lot has happened in the three years you’ve been with your DH. That’s quite a short timespan to have started dating, met his child, started living together and got married (in which ever order you did these). How long have you known your DSD and how long have you been living together?

On top of all these major changes you have had the complications of DSD’s mother’s behaviour and coming to terms with the effects of that on your lives.

I certainly wouldn’t be in any rush to have a baby until you have had some time to decide what you want.

I’m actually really surprised at most of the replies on this thread. It’s fine to want to have your first baby with someone for whom it is also their first baby. (It’s fine to want a baby with someone who already has children too, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your situation.)

I would also ask your DH if he's happy with the situation his DD is in, as the daughter may end up with you full time if this situation escalated even more. Would you be happy with this?

Absolutely gobsmacked at the replies and glad to see more people like yourself saying otherwise!

You can’t help the way you feel and no amount of advice with change your gut feeling. I wonder if some therapy might help so you can dig a bit deeper into why this bothers you so much. I think there’s a difference between feeling a bit sad that you’re not having the same ‘first’ experience to how much it’s impacting you.

I know some people are very anti blended families, and would never have children with someone who has them already. But that doesn’t sound like you have that view, otherwise you wouldn’t have married and planned to have children with him. So I’d not put pressure on yourself to have a baby unless you can work through those feelings

In this case, it sounds like you're more worried/stressed by the complexity of blended family life. To be honest, blended families ARE more complicated than nuclear families, all other things being equal, and they don't get any less complicated over time, just different, in my experienceat least. It sounds like your situation is a bit more complicated than most due to social services involvement etc. If the thought of it is already making you panic, I would really suggest thinking about whether it's right for you sooner rather than later.

I specifically chose not to date men with children already as I felt the exact same way.

Why did u go out with a man with dc in the first place? Im sure there were other single child free men, who wanted kids, on the dating scene, if u looked harder? But, you loved DH, obviously as u married him, I presume before marriage you both agreed you’d have kids together?

his past isnt the big deal you think, this time will be nicer for him partner wise, as you are the one he loves and wants to be with

I understand your feelings. It’s a situation I would never have wanted to be in.

Blended families are chaotic and problematic even when the parents get on, and yet in yours she’s an unstable nightmare.

However, this is the man you married. So this is the situation you have literally chosen to be in.

Honestly OP I wouldn't have married into such a situation.
Its toxic, and always will be.

You had free choice to not want the drama attached to this man.

You are entitled to be judgy and not want to be part of an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

I certainly wouldn't be bringing a baby into it, but then I wouldn't dream of marrying him.

Get therapy. Don't ignore your distaste for his baggage with his ex, even if it was a ONS and you like his child.

Couldn't you and your husband have full custody of you DSD, so you become a full family unit.

Seems she would benefit for a less chaotic lifestyle and it sounds like mum wouldn't worry too much.

Then see how a baby fits in with you all

I feel for you. I was eternally single and felt the clock was ticking a bit but I was determined I wouldn’t be with a man who had children or had been married before. I knew I would feel exactly like you do OP. I know I can bit jealous and a bit spoilt and just knew I wouldn’t accept children from a previous relationship.

I understand completely.

Won't be his first but will be his last ,,look at it that way xx

You are having strong feelings like you don’t want children with this man.
Listen to your gut and your instincts.
don’t get pregnant unless you want to.
pregnancy and babies are hard enough even if it’s something you’ve wanted more than anything.

You can’t say that. Given he got himself into the previous situation I certainly wouldn’t make that claim.

But he would be actually having a baby with someone he loves im sure that is different for him. Try reversing this would he feel the same?

I understand you, OP. I think if we were all honest with ourselves, most of us would express some disappointment/dissatisfaction with our relationship set-ups. I certainly would!

Hopefully not in terms of the fundamentals of our spouse as a person but maybe marriage hasnt brought the full financial and emotional support we once imagined or maybe our spouse brings “baggage” in terms of difficult in-laws or a relationship history that isnt that conventional.

I was brought up in the 80’s and there was a lot of “fairytale endings”/“handsome prince” ideology around that I think we absorbed as children. There was definitely an idea that men “protected” women and shouldered their burdens/solved their problems. I think this makes it hard as adults when we find ourselves married and our DH’s are actually the ones bringing problems that we feel we need to shoulder. And it can make us feel alone as we still subconsciously believe other women are living a life more akin to the fairytale one.

Anyway, im conscious that Im projecting at this point but I really wanted to say that your feelings are valid, OP. And I also hope little girls are being brought up with different ideas nowadays that are more reflective of reality. As so many have said blended families are the norm and you sound like a great step-mum.