AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

I’m commenting on a public forum with my opinions. You seem overly interested in what I have to say. Try not to worry about it.

Op, how old are you? I am assuming fairly young and I wonder whether you just don't feel ready to have children yet and so you're looking for reasons why. You don't need reasons. If it doesn't feel like the right time then be straight with your dh and say that you don't feel quite ready and please can you revisit in 2 years time or whatever.

On another note I think you're idealising having children a little. Look on the plus side - he knows what it is like to have to care for a baby and still wants more! At least you know he's not going to check out if things get exhausting.

Not RTFT. I said that you were being unreasonable but I do get that feelings aren't always rational.

Can you turn round your thinking on this? You say that you love your DSD and love being a step-mother. Hopefully your husband is a good and loving father. I'm guessing that part of what attracted you to your now husband was seeing him being a father. Don't start wishing your DSD and your husband's qualities as a father out of existence by getting hung up on "firsts" which you knew before you married were not possible. In fact, by step-parenting a young child, you've actually had an opportunity to get some practice at parenting skills before having your own child. (God knows, we could have done with some practice before we had ours - we hadn't the first clue what we were doing!).

And there are firsts here also which is that you and your husband would be having a baby as a committed couple rather than the way it happened first time round. You say you want children; your husband wants children; you're already married; you love your DSD and have a great relationship with her. Sounds like a lot of vital boxes have been ticked. Unless deep down you think you have made a mistake marrying this man and that he is not the man for you, why are you focussing on a thing which cannot be changed and which is not really relevant in the scheme of things?

He may be “broody” but having a child full time is very very different to having one every other week. And you would likely be the one making most of the sacrifices OP. He sounds a bit childish to be honest. You are right to have concerns about a blended family, although they are not necessarily reasons to not have a baby. DH needs to stop living in fairyland and be willing to have a proper discussion about how things would work in practice, what you’d tell his DSD and how he would manage DSD’s mother having a lax attitude to the days she has her daughter.

I wonder if the one night stand is a red herring and maybe it is more about potentially bringing a child into a complicated slightly unstable situation? I get that. I think it's a really good idea to post to get more insight into where your feelings might be coming from.

It is lovely that your thoughts are first and foremost about your DSD and concern for her. It sounds like you have a lovely bond. I don't think a baby would upset that especially if she was to take on the important role of big sister. There are things you can control - being a loving stepmum, being a loving mum to a new baby, and things you can't - the behaviour of your DSD's mum.

Hope you can work out your feelings! It is complicated but you sound a very caring person who would be a wonderful mum to a new baby.

I have 4 children...so I had done it all before by baby number 2..I love them no less, I enjoyed (or didn't ) every stage with each one no less. I would imagine a planned pregnancy he wants will mean he is actually there with you and for you not just doing the right thing like he was last time, back then he was probably pretty overwhelmed and anxious and thus time he is looking forward to doing things properly with the woman he loves ❤️

You have a choice to make now @Converselyit.

You either accept it and dont allow it you bother you, or you carry on letting it negatively impact you.

Either way your life continues, you have chosen this man, and he has a child with this woman.

None of those things change based on what you decide to do - but your happiness levels could drastically increase by making peace with it.

I think I understand where you're coming from - you want to bring a baby into a loving, stable family, not a scenario where social services are (even tangentially) involved. But presumably you love this man, and you have a huge advantage over most women starting a family in that you already know he's a loving dad. You're already living the dream, even if it's not neatly packaged up with a bow on top.

I get it, I'm very glad me and DH have only had kids together. I would personally find it gross if he'd had children from a ONS.

So now you have to make a choice. You can try and work through it but think carefully before trying for a baby.

To be honest I would be more worried that he had unprotected sex with a woman he knew to be vulnerable ... he was there to help her with a problem not to take advantage of the situation and have sex ... and whose sex life was chaotic having unprotected sex with multiple partners.
Not the action of an honourable man.

You sound like a lovely woman. I too have a step son and understand that sadness of having a baby with someone when they already have a child.

I personally would feel it more if your SD had came from a loving relationship with your partner because at least you know there was no love or history there as such.

you honestly sound like an amazing step mammy to your beautiful SD I wish more step parents where like you… it’s sounds like she would be better of with you guys full time. I really hope her mother steps up as it will be so hard for a 6 year old not having any stable home with mum. I’m so glad you love on her like you do. If and when you do have a baby with your partner remember it will be very different for him since the first time around and your baby will be made from love and it will be so exciting as a little family involving your SD. Don’t throw a good thing away just because of this reactive jealousy. Iv been through all of that and at the age of 41 those feelings have left me due to the fact that no one is like me therefore I cannot compare to others I can only take stock of my own life and make the best of life. I wish you luck and again well done for being the best step mum. 🌸🌸🌸

YABU @Converselyit . Your husband didn't want a baby yet he took responsability after a ONS. All credit to him. Sounds like a stand up guy to me who would love to have children with the woman he loves.

This would be the first time your husband gets to experience ante-natal appointments, scans etc and childbirth with the woman he loves, though. I think that would make it extra special for him.

You really need to speak to him, tell him how you’re feeling. I reckon he’ll want to reassure you.

You’re not irrational, I felt similarly (despite actually having a child of my own but who I had lone parented since I was 10 weeks pregnant). I was very sad that I wouldn’t be the first person he had a baby with. In reality though what everyone says about all your first still being firsts with him are true, plus he has never really had a baby ‘with’ someone as he wasn’t in a relationship and the reality is that every baby/child is different so all the milestones and moments are different. If you can’t get past it then get some counselling, but don’t put off having a child you want because of this, as it will become a non-issue once you have a child of your own. Might be worth making clear to him you don’t want any comparisons made to his ex or comments on ‘oh we did it this way’ etc. as that will be hurtful.

Nobody's perfect, and 'seeing past the baggage' is required of both people in a relationship, if you're ever to have one! The problem is where to draw the line. What cracks in someone's past or personality will turn out not to matter - and which will bring the house down?

If I were you OP, I'd take heed of my gut reaction, the panicky way I describe the situation (toxic, weird, overwhelmingly sad, utter revulsion), and take a step back.

If you're wondering whether YABU to have these feelings, of course you aren't, they're your feelings. At the same time, they're more worrying than the usual misgivings someone might have about having a child, even in a fairly new relationship.

Whether your feelings stem from your own psychology and experiences... or from DH's slightly chaotic sexual history and desire for lots of children... or the thought of you and your future family being bound for life to a very troubled woman... or all of the above... nobody can answer.

Personally I don't think these are small issues, and you do have reason to be very cautious about bringing a baby into this scenario.

You're obviously very fond of DSD. And you're married to her father, and love him too. But neither of these things means you have no choice in your future. Nothing is inevitable. I'd say, give it time. Make it clear to DH that you're just not ready to have children. A partner who puts your needs first will not pressure you further.

Your instincts are telling you something about this man. Trust them.

I completely understand why you feel that way, OP. I would never date a single dad for exactly that reason. I wanted my child with my DH to be a first for both of us.

But ultimately you married him and have planned a future with him. If I were you I would tell him how I feel. That way you can work together to find a solution, he can reassure you etc.

It's ok to be sad but don't let that stop you from moving forwards as a couple.

Same for any big decision, OP, if you're not sure and happy about it then don't do it. From what you say about the child's mother, it could be that you will have full time care of the child, which could also affect your decision.

I think you need to explain to your DH exactly
how you’re feeling and hopefully he will be able to reassure how about how it will be very different for him this time. He may also have worries too that you can help him with. This is where you really need to be a team.

Theres a world of difference having a baby with someone you love compared to someone you had a 1 night stand with. The love for the DC will be similar but the shared experiences (scans etc) will be different. Very different.

I don't think it's weird or pathetic. I think you would probably feel the same if he had been in a relationship with his ex. Blended families aren't what people start their adult life looking for. What we imagine is going through all them firsts together with our spouse, not it being our first time but he's done it all before with someone else.
You do need to try and do some serious thinking about this. If you really want to have a child of your own but don't feel happy doing it with your current partner you may need to end things. However, if you end things you do need to be prepared for the possibility you won't have children in the future so it does need careful weighing. It sounds like he is a good father. Not all men are.

I agree. If the child was conceived for all the right reasons within a loving relationship there would be friction.

Well your sd is very fortunate to have you in her life, given the circumstances she was born in.
I don't think you are in the right mindset to have a baby right now.
Take care OP

What are you feeling deep down about your husband - are you feeling sad and repulsed about the circumstances when DSD was conceived, that your husband was one of 3 men who could have been the father and had it been one of the other 2 then you wouldn't be in this situation, feeling how you're feeling. As it stands, you are in this marriage/situation and you can't move past the happenings of 6/7 years ago (your husband's baggage so to speak) even though you adore DSD, his child - is that what you're meaning?

If it's something else can you say what it is that you think is causing this sadness/repulsion?

yes, that summarises it quite well - the the fact that she didn’t even know who the dad was, and had to have a dna test. Then essentially having a baby that she has proven time and time again she does not want to care for.

some recent examples

• went on holiday over Christmas with her friends and left DSD with us, with dsd asking when she would see her mum
• stood by her partner when he was charged with Abh after a fight
• stood by her partner after steriods where found in their house by social services
• asked for us to “take dsd off her hands” when she had her belly button pierced as she was “jumping” on it and causing her pain?
• posts all over social media how much she “misses her girl” when she’s on boozy weekends away?

I feel like a snob, but I am a million miles apart from her. I would never act like this. I’ve never had sex outside of a relationship and tbh I do judge her not knowing who dsd dad was.

this is awful to admit I know

and then the judgement goes to my DH

• why have sex with someone you claim to hate?
• why have sex with someone who’s claiming to be in a bad situation and clearly vulnerable?
• why allow her to be so chaotic and not say anything?

my mind is filled with this recently. I can’t actually stand to be in the same room as DH