AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

[Converselyit]

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

I felt very much like this when I was pregnant for the first time. My husband had done everything before -- marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, babies. It was the first time for me. It made me so sad. And I found it really unsettling and hard that he had shared the incredible intimacy of childbirth with someone else. So I completely understand how you feel.

To encourage you -- I think this has become less and less important as we have grown our own family and our marriage has matured. I still mourn slightly for that experience of being first time parents, an experience we never shared. But he is a great Dad (to all his children) and a great husband.

However, do NOT underestimate the fact that this is one difficult aspect of step-parenting. There are so many others. There is so much sacrifice ahead.

So yes:

1. Your DH has shared childbirth with someone else.
2. Your DH is not a first time dad (though you are a first time mum)

But also:

1. You will come home from hospital to a multiple child household (no time to just be first time parents together)
2. Your financial decisions (full/part time work/budgeting/holidays/housing) will be affected by the fact that your DH is supporting another child.
3. Your child will have less time with their Dad because you will have to protect the time he spends with his older daughter.
4. The values of your household will be affected by the values of another household you have no control over as your SD moves between two homes.
5. Your lives will be impacted for at least the next 12 years by someone who you describe as difficult.
6. You will have to put up with the disruption and difficulties which are created by ALL children, but one of them won't be yours.
7. Many, many others.

I completely underestimated how difficult this was all going to be, and how much sacrifice it would demand from me. I would still have made the same decision as my DH is wonderful, but I still wish that I had considered everything more carefully in advance. Step families are often disastrous because people don't think through what is ahead and then can't do the sacrifice. You have to be willing to give up so much, otherwise it will be a disaster.

then why say partner, its husband.

this is an excellent reply! I agree.

And yet you refer to him as your 'partner'?

Winner of not reading the update, that was posted 15 minutes before your post goes too….. your want to get in and kick the OP overtook clearly,

@Converselyit its a totally different situation, I wonder if what you are feeling is something I felt ahead of having my second child, “how will I love this one as much”? You’re clearly a very loving SM and this maybe a bit of a worry for you? I can confirm your love doubles not halves.

This is clearly a really difficult situation to be in OP, but actually I think your DH (he's not just your DP - you're married!) is a good guy. He is taking his responsibility to his DD seriously, parenting 50:50 with this nightmare of a woman he got pregnant by mistake, and doing the right thing.

I understand you feeling a bit sad that any DC you have with him won't be his first, but he sounds like a good dad. In your situation, if you want to have DC, I would do so without hesitating. You know he's a good dad, he is your DH and he wants to have DC with YOU. He didn't choose to have a DC with the other woman, it was an accident that he has stepped up and is doing his best with.

Maybe my response is less valid because I haven’t been in the same situation as OP, but aren’t most men excited for the second, third etc babies as much as they were first time? My DH was. Scans were just as exciting in subsequent pregnancies, preparing, meeting the new arrival etc. The fact he/we had done it before didn’t make it any less special. My DH had been married before we met and I didn’t not have a wedding on the grounds he’d done it before. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings OP, just gently saying your husband obviously wants to have kids with you. I wouldn’t over think the part that he’s done it before.

@Converselyit

I think it would help if you urgently asked MNHQ to edit your thread title to say husband instead of partner.

And indeed throughout your first post. Or get them to delete it and repost with an accurate description of your relationship. 'Partner' isn't helping here.

I don't really understand why you feel the way you do.

Your partner sounds like a good man and, more important, a good dad. He had a one night stand and has fully supported the mother of his child throughout the pregnancy, and to this point, even though he doesn't like her. He has 50% custody of his child, who is delightful.

He can't control her mother's behaviour. She sounds shitty but that's not on him. He has never been a significant part of her life or lifestyle. How she behaves is NOT cool, but why do you think it reflects on him?

I can understand you being a bit sad that any child you have together won't be his first, and so you won't get to share all the firsts together. But it will be the first pregnancy he's been through with a woman he loves and respects. Every pregnancy is different, every newborn is different, every child is different. He's never had your baby, with you. This WILL be the first time.

And honestly, he sounds like a keeper because whatever goes wrong in your relationship, you KNOW he's a good dad. If your marriage fails for whatever reason, he will not abandon you or your child.

I don't understand what's holding you back beyond he had unprotected sex once. You'll struggle to find a partner that hasn't had sex with someone and regretted it. But he has lived by the consequences, fully. He sounds ace.

Irrational and toxic...sadness...utter revulsion......so sad.... weird and just pathetic...
Strong language in your OP should give you a clue that you have really strong gut feelings. You're feeling guilty about them and trying to push them away and fight them but imho we shouldn't ignore gut feelings.

This can only really be read one way. You don't want to have a baby with your DH.

As if I’m going to be checking the thread with a fine tooth comb for the OP’s poxy breadcrumbs. Completely weird to write an entire post referring to her husband as her partner. The post reads entirely differently if you swap partner for husband.

Changes my answer not a jot. His use of “broody” is creepy and she’s repulsed at the thought of having a kid with him. What woman decides to bring a child into the world with a man when she’s having feelings like this? I think the OP is brushing it off and calling herself “toxic” when actually her gut is already giving her the right answer: marry someone who isn’t forevermore tied to their ex and have a baby where it’s the first for both of you.

This is a good point.

I don't understand the feelings - at ALL - but they're there, and you shouldn't have a child with someone when you feel this way. Even if it's not logical.

Hard agree. So many on this thread telling OP to ignore her feelings or go to therapy.

She is married.

I have two children with different fathers, my first marriage ended just after our daughter was born, I am now remarried and we live together as a four (my elder daughter's father has very little contact time with her). My second daughter being born was no less magical or amazing because I had done it before. It was still incredibly special at every milestone. Each scan, check-up, test, the first, the postpartum, all of it was just as perfect and important with a second as with the first.

Are you feeling ok, Jenny?

These are very important questions, OP!

Grand thanks

It doesn’t change my opinion, but she should edit her post.

It appears as though the OP changed from 'partner' to 'married' because a PP asked...

"Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?"

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. It does make sense from someone who also feels children and parenthood are sacred parts of life. I wonder how your husband feels about it and whether this is affecting you? Like: are children just objects to collect or a chore or is there another side which is about love, relationships, values and fun?
I think if your husband has a different perspective but it feels right to you despite being different that that’s ok too.
Life is complicated and holding a torch of love and valuing her for who she is will make a big and positive difference to your SD’s life. As well as educating her about how she would like to live her relationships. I hope you can find a way to making the right decision for you.
It will be hard for your SD as she wasn’t “chosen” and her DM isn’t great. I’m sure you can discuss it with her and live it out with her in a positive way .

i think you are looking this as a negative but you have a daughter already. You have gained somebody you love dearly.
Your husband has committed to you. It will be entirely different and unique experience. Every pregnancy is different and special. Has he been a good dad to his daughter?
I think you would benefit from some counselling to work out what is going on for you?

I'm so sorry, OP. That sounds really tough. It sounds out there, but would it be possible for your DH to get primary custody of your DSD and for you to adopt her? You sound like a very caring person and her mother sounds negligent.

I agree with this post. I really don’t think you should dismiss these feelings or rationalize them away. They sound quite significant. They may be your intuition speaking. Get into therapy if you can. Questions to ask yourself

1. is it that you don’t trust him on some level?
2. how did the broody comment strike you?
3. do you secretly worry that he wants children more than he wants you?
4. has he ever cheated on you?
5. do you want escape which children would foreclose?

He is a good man. He stepped up as he should he went to the scans and the birth to support the woman carrying his child. Thats good. Even if she was pretty much a ons. It would be worse if he hadn’t.

Just because he has done it before doesn’t take away from the future because this time would be with a person he loves and is married to.

I’d actually see that as better than being a new or current love the mother of his child was merely an old school friend shag not even an ex. None of the lovely cuddling up on the sofa hand on bump feeling kicks dozing off. The proper excitement he was having to go through dns tests and such during the pregnancy. Not love or nice.