AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

Some people strike gold though very few!

It is rough not having help from the dad. I did and raising ds still felt really hard.

It is shocking how many irresponsible fathers seem to get off scot free.

It is hard not to compare. Your life is not unusual for a single mum, try not to look at your friend, she's been fortunate but both your and her circumstances could change.

Its just so hard to watch in a lot of ways. She has two good men supporting her! HOW??!!

You can’t help how you feel so YANBU for having feelings.

The fact that you’ve posted here shows that you acknowledge that you understand life is different for everyone and neither of you are to blame for that.

How often do you see this friend?

How much of her life do you see on social media?

My first step would be to limit my exposure to her social media so that it’s not in your face all the time.

Other than that, all you can do is be grateful for having your lovely children and live the best life you can.

I think it’s quite normal when things are hard for you to feel jealous of people who have it easier, more money, more support etc but it is important not to dwell on that or allow resentment to build.

With kindness, OP, you're mad at the wrong person, I imagine because you see so much more of her than your useless ex.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about this - it's just one of those things, you're aware of it, so long as you don't let her see it.

Why are you not chasing the children’s father for support?

Your issues are not her problem you have both made your choices

Comparison is the thief of joy.

also no matter how good she has it now - as with anyone - our lives can change in an instant. What we perceive as an easy perfect life can be totally turned upside down by a bereavement or illness or accident or debt or job loss or act of God.

Don’t waste time and energy on envy - 1 you never know the full story - another person who seemingly has everything perfect - could be battling in all sorts of ways you never see and 2 all you can do is focus on making your life better. What sally, Ben and Tim do or have is not directly affecting you.

focus on the things you can control not on the things around you that you can’t

She doesn't even have social media. I see her usually once a week at a class and then every 2nd/3rd weekend for a coffee

Because he is GONE...I have no idea where he is. Left the country and I have no contact details at all.

You're in danger of losing her because you will not be able to stop yourself making shitty comments about her life - she'll eventually stop telling you things - it'll start with the big things but then even the small things and then she'll just shut up and spend more time with other friends. Maybe that will suit you both.

Is she a nice friend who doesn't drone about her luck?

They might seem to get off scot free, but in the long term I think they will reap what they sow; generally if you don't treat people well you won't get treated well.

Is talking about your life droning on?

Has she made better choices for herself than you? Not a judgement, just a real question.

if she picked men worthy of her time then this is why she has ended up in a good space with her ex. If you didn’t pick one worthy of your time this could be why - though I appreciate the don’t all show their red flags until it is too late.

just keep looking after yourself and your kids, don’t settle for less than you deserve, and you’ll find happiness either with someone or alone but with children who love and respect you for giving them what their dad didn’t

Perhaps your friend and her ex worked hard to maintain healthy co-parenting relationship? It's understandable that you are envious of her set up but YABU to resent her for it, afterall you chose to have kids with your ex. How can you be so sure she's not had hard times? Can you not just be happy for her? There will always be people better off than us but living with such bitterness will make you miserable.

She doesn't drone on at all. Its just what I see etc

Yeah they parent very well, they help each other out. She will say he is a great father, just that they were never suited as a couple. There's no hard feelings...I on the other hand had my dd with waste of space ex, then as I was leaving realised I was pregnant again, he has never met ds.

Sounds like she makes good choices when it comes to selecting a partner. Don't get jealous, talk to her. What does she look for?

Maybe she's been more picky than you when it comes to men, and therefore has a tendency to choose a bit higher quality men than you might? I don't know your circumstances, or why your children's father isn't around to help you, but it's not hard to conclude he must be an ass - and perhaps showed signs of that before you chose to have children with him.

That's my take anyway. From what I've noticed, women with good men have usually strategically gone for men with certain qualities and potential, and don't tolerate, or gave patience with, red flag behaviour (however small it is).

No this is not true. It happens too many times. I have met at least four women whose exes just swanned off.

Many move abroad too.

Based on that level of contact I would say that you don't really know what her life is like. No one has it all and no one really knows what other people have going on.

Stop meeting up for a coffee op. Just say you have too much on.