AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.

Well the money's for the kids. I know what you mean, as you're comparing yourself with her, but the baseline should be that a dad pays for half the kids' costs. This shouldn't be some super lucky thing nor framed like he's somehow giving the mum money, because it's not going on her at all. It's nice that her new guy is also flush, but you've no idea what people relationships are really like and it's a real waste of your limited energy to envy this friend when it's about the kids not her. Everyone decent tries to do their best for their kids, and in that way, you and your friend and her kids' dad are all on the same level, doing your best with what you've got. The anomaly is your ex and as you say he's gone there's nothing to be done about that. Focus on yourself and your DC and keep on doing what you do. Comparing yourself to people who have more will never help.

Sounds like she has good taste in men, as someone who had terrible taste in men for a long time and had kids with not one, but two useless idiots I would advise this, take responsibility for your own choices, accept that it mad elife harder and work on your self esteem.

I am not saying that to have a go at you or out you down, I have been there. I did a lot of therapy and my life is greatly improved and I am really happy. Therapy isn't for everyone but there is a great book on amazon - overcoming low self esteem. Then the next person you choose will have more chance of being a great supportive partner too.

Life can change in an instant. Cancer diagnosis, terminal illness, terrible accident. Focus on what you DO have, not what you DONT.
Good health is the most precious thing you can have.
Get out more, look at the world. Go online dating and ask your "perfect friend" if she would mind the kids while you go on a date.
Put yourself out there!!

A lot of men change too once children come on the scene. Is this down to certain women's poor choices too?

Sometimes it's just down to random Luck.

Sometimes it's down to the choices we make ourselves.

Did you choose the father of your child wisely OP?

Its natural to compare. Describing her situation as a 'punch in the stomach' is quite an extreme reaction though. And all it does is negatively impact you - a kind of self inflicted pain. If you can find a way to recognise her good fortune but not internalise it as a punishment to yourself that might help.

I'm going to get flamed for this - but I am already baking hot so here goes....

Why do so many women have children, some time multiple children, with utterly useless men who make utterly useless dads?

A lot of men change after children. Many men are selfish. Very few pitch in enough and help whether together or not.

Maybe in the hope that they will come to embrace parenthood.
Mine didnt and 35 years on he has 3 adult children who are all doing well for themselves and dont want anything to do with him. He regrets it now but I have no sympathy for him whatsoever . He did it to himself and he he bloody well knows it!!

Then women should be extra "picky" at choosing who to procreate with - as it's invariably the woman who ends up as a single parent.

I would bet there there were plenty of red flags that were merrily ignored or excused........

Bound to be a woman's fault ....!

Does the waste of space ex have family who could be potentially interested/supportive? Do you occasionally try to search for him or his parents?

No, but as its women carrying the consequences its in our own interests to be very choosy.

What else would you suggest to curb these scenarios?

At least she is nice! I would try to be happy for her, and try not to compare.

My exSIL had an affair, left my db and their two kids age 4 and 8 to be with her new man and flaunted him all over SM. Then decided she would like to be a mum after all and was utterly evil trying to get the kids back and said all sorts of awful things to db (she liked to phone up drunk in the small hours and screech abusive comments at him because SHE wanted their old house and db refused to move out - it was a rental and he was on the lease but she liked the house and wanted to live there with her new partner).

Anyway despite her being a despicable drunk and a nasty human being, both men stuck around to help raise the boys and fund her “party lifestyle”. They both truly cared about the kids.

I really wanted karma to deal her a blow, but of course it hasn’t.

Sometimes friends’ lives make you feel shit about your own life and it’s not their fault but it’s OK to take a step back for your sanity. You don’t sound like you begrudge her her luck more than you wish you had some of it. I am sorry you are in such a hard situation. Parenting is really difficult on your own.

Well, this isn’t exactly a coincidence. Your friend chose to have children with a man who wasn’t a complete loser. This was a good life decision on her part. And then though the relationship didn’t work out with their dad, she chose wisely again and married a good man. This isn’t luck. You could have made those choices too. I mean, I think you can feel jealous, sure. But it’s not like it’s her fault she’s been sensible and wise.

Life can change in an instant, Op. Honestly, I've been on the side of no return, cant change things. I lost my two babies in the NICU [twins] two and a half years ago, it was very drawn out with hospice and removal of life suppprt. Now My mothers day/christmas/their birthdays ect are spent starting the day visiting a grave.

Why am I telling you this? You never know how shit life can get until it does. No one is immune from tragedy. A lot of people would think dh and my life is ideal. We went on to have a baby after but honestly I'll never get over losing my baby boys. If I could wake up and it not be real I'd jump at the thought. To strangers we look like the perfect fam though

You need to live in the present or you will spend your time resenting and being envious of others and your kids childhood will pass you by. I know things are tough as a single parent and it must be a kick in the teeth seeing others get lucky. But think of this way, you are a good mother, working hard against the odds to provide for your kids, that's an achievement. The only thing that will go against you is if you lose sight on what you actually have - hopefully healthy kids and your health. Your children just want your time and love. All the perks of wealth are meaningless without it.

I used to get so angry at families with twins or people with chidren. Even after I had a baby after my boys died, I felt envious of families just out laughing and enjoying life as if nothing was wrong. The reality wasnt, it had nothing to do with these strangers, it was me, and battling the grief. You need to battle this jealousy. It just eats you up.

I really wish you the best. I hope you dont lose that friend either. Parenting is hard, Op, and you are doing it on your own. I admire that. But dont let it consume you

It’s hard OP. Having the initial involved partner would help with taking opportunities at work and even meeting someone else. Which in turn means it’s easier for her life to carry on getting better 🙃

Hang in there OP

Life is hard. Some have it easier than others. Some times in our lives are easier than others.

A lot of it is pure luck, part of it will be good decisions. It's natural to compare (we all do) but don't dwell on it.

Stop comparing yourself to others it's a fault
You never know what is round the corner for these people .
You have 2 happy healthy children and you are well yourself. That's alot to be thankful for . You have somewhere to live and food that's also worth alot.
These threads are pointless.
Focus on gratitude for what you have

Comparing yourself and being jealous is only hurting you. YANBU to have feelings, YABU to resent your friend for not having it as tough.

She’s luckier than you and YANBU to be envious, it’s human nature.

But you are luckier than others. There are plenty of people in the world who would trade places with you in an instant.

Envy is natural but it doesn’t help you so try to let it go.

You can be envious if you want to be but it is a bit pointless.
Maybe she has a positive impact on people, she attracts people, she choose to have children with a man who co parents well. As for the new BF picking up the kids and being hands on, nah, I would never envy this. I think some parents can be very stupid whenever it comes to a new man, trusting them with your children.
Opps just noticed he’s not a new man. If you stop being the jealous type you attract good people.

And it doesn’t all come down to luck and good fortune despite what a lot of people prefer to say these days.
Often people are in a good position in life due to hard work, intelligence and good sense. Sometimes people are unlucky through no fault of their own but often they bear responsibility for how their lives have turned out.
I’m sure there is more jealousy about others lives than there used to be as everyone seems to feel entitled to what they want and what others have without having had to work for it.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You sound like you don't even like your friend. I've no time for woe is me. If you dont like things in your life start making changes. Probably best starting with your mind set.